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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anger over mums lack of concern

24 replies

HappyMummy567 · 05/05/2025 09:28

I'm going round in circles and driving myself mad so I thought you would be able to tell me AIBU to be fuming at my mum for not caring about my sick son?

My son developed a non-blanching rash whilst being poorly with cold/flu, 111 told us to go to Urgent Care, Urgent Care sent us to A&E to run bloods. Bloods coagulation result came back elevated in two areas and we were told to return the next day for further test, results had started to lower so told to repeat a week later. Week later test results showed they had increased again and he was referred to a consultant for more tests for amongst other things lupus and other blood clotting disorders, in 2 weeks time, during one of his GCSE exams. We referred to our medical insurance and two days later a paediatric blood consultant said A&E had missed a double chest infection, so he was put on strong anti b's, and she believes HSP is the cause for the rash which is less scary, another appointment this week.

I told my mum on the Wednesday we had the consultant appointment on the Friday. She asked me about the hospital as we had to travel a distance to it and if I would go into work. Friday was insane juggling the hospital/ work / my other son etc but so relieved things were moving in the right direction. Saturday I think I started to unwind after weeks of worry and it wasn't until late on Saturday that I realised my mum hadn't called or messaged to see how my son was/ how we got on on Friday.

I missed a call from her on Sunday but we were out all day but no voicemail or message asking how her grandson is, it just seems like it's a general catch up call. I have to call her today in response to the missed call but I really don't want to. I'm really angry at her as it feels like she doesn't care about him and I honestly don't know what to say to her. She could have just dropped me a message at the very least wishing him luck or seeing how he got on.

She recently elected to have a surgical procedure done at a private hospital and has another one scheduled in two weeks, I ask about her appointments, I went to the hospital with her for pre surgery tests and visited her at the hospital on the day etc but I'm angry she can't reciprocate by picking up the phone and showing concern for her own grandson. I'm wondering if she's thinking that because I'm up the hospital with my CHILD for a serious concern that I won't be able to be at the hospital for her for her elected surgery - and if that's the case then she's right, my son will come first. AIBU?

OP posts:

Eenameenadeeka · 05/05/2025 09:46

Maybe she thinks that you will contact her when you have information? And she's waiting to hear from you because she knows how busy you are

raspberrieswithchocolate · 05/05/2025 09:52

You're guessing what Sunday's missed call was about, she was likely going to ask after your ds in the call. Again, you're assuming that she's thinking you won't be there for her during her surgery. I think YABU to be fuming over assumptions you've made. Just give her a call, it's possible you're angry over nothing.

WeAreAllBucked · 05/05/2025 10:53

I would be fuming too. Even a text message “hope all going ok, if you need anything etc”. Did she not offer to help with other child.

Bridestone · 05/05/2025 10:59

I think you’re overreacting, probably because of your own worry and exhaustion. She probably didn’t call or text on Friday because she knew you had quite enough going on, and didn’t need to be updating people. She called within two days of his appointment — not her fault you missed the call. I don’t think that indicates a lack of concern.

Calmdownpeople · 05/05/2025 11:10

Yeah OP I too think you are overreacting and possibly projecting your worry onto your mum not calling.

To be fair, she didn’t know it was serious - people go for tests at the hospital all the time. As she would see it he is on antibiotics for a chest infection - pretty normal for a lot of kids .

She called a few days later to check in and you don’t agree with the timing.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/05/2025 11:12

Has she always been selfish and self-centred or is this new behaviour? Most grandparents would worry about a grandchild if they were undergoing medical tests. You have also helped and supported her when she was having a surgical procedure. I would be pissed off too.

cherrymaoam · 05/05/2025 11:13

If I was going full armchair psychiatrist on you, I’d say you are angry at the situation and understandably have been dealing with a lot of fear and anxiety which has kicked in your adrenaline response. No one is “at fault” as such so you are choosing to lash out at someone who you feel safe being angry with.

Hope your son is on the mend soon.

Hercisback1 · 05/05/2025 11:14

I bet she was waiting for you to update. Antibiotics for a chest infection is pretty routine with kids tbh. Unless this is part of a wider pattern of shit behaviour I think you are perhaps projecting your worry.

PinkyFlamingo · 05/05/2025 11:18

Have you anything to base your thoughts about her being annoyed at you not going with her to surgery? What are you basing this on, has she displayed behaviour like this before?

lljkk · 05/05/2025 11:21

I would have thought that if you want her support then reach out & ask for it. if she doesn't offer support at that point, then you would be reasonable to get angry.

I'm not a gran but old enough to be a gran... I'd be hurt and want distance if my adult kids were wanting to micromanage my attention, actions, thoughts and concerns.

TidyDancer · 05/05/2025 11:23

Unless you’ve missed a load of information out or there’s a huge backstory it does sound like a huge overreaction. I’m sure it was a big worry for you when it was happening but your son isn’t a small child and it thankfully didn’t turn out to be anything long term serious.

You do sound quite determined to be angry with her about all this and maybe that’s why you're downplaying her surgery as elective but I think you’ll regret it long term if you turn this into a huge row unnecessarily.

faerietales · 05/05/2025 11:23

Maybe she was waiting for you to reach out to her, rather than risk being accused of interfering or hassling you?

EquinoxQueen · 05/05/2025 11:27

I think you are misplacing your anger, frustration and tiredness onto your mother (who wouldn’t get it right whatever she did in this situation). Your son has been poorly at an already stressful time and that day was busy with you juggling all the hits.

your mum has called, you’ve made assumptions and now ruminating which is not healthy.

phone her today, update her she will want to know what’s going on.

unless of course there is a massive drip feed about her previous behaviour.

ThinWomansBrain · 05/05/2025 11:28

she called and you missed the call/couldn't be bothered to answer
return her call?

toomuchfaff · 05/05/2025 16:58

Stop getting annoyed because she hasn't acted how you think she should.

She isnt you. She won't react how you think she should because she isn't you.

Let them - Mel Robbins. You cannot control how people act or react, you can only control your reaction to their actions.

BuildbyNumbere · 05/05/2025 21:08

She did call you … you didn’t pick up. Ring her back and let her know what happened.

PrettyPuss · 05/05/2025 21:13

You need to talk to your mum about how you’re feeling. I hope your son will be much better soon, OP.

CosyLemur · 05/05/2025 21:13

Honestly I wouldn't phone either.
In fact I haven't been calling my dad after each of his appointments for potential diabetes.
He phones me once he's had a chance himself to process what they've told him.
My partner found a lump and didn't want me at any of the appointments even then I waited for him to call me.
Medical stuff is very personal; and it's down to the person/parents going through that to contact the people they want to tell once they've processed what's been said good or bad

CosyLemur · 05/05/2025 21:15

WeAreAllBucked · 05/05/2025 10:53

I would be fuming too. Even a text message “hope all going ok, if you need anything etc”. Did she not offer to help with other child.

Except she's called and the OP missed the call and can't be bothered to call back!

Happyonfriday · 05/05/2025 21:47

if that was me I’d have contacted husband (if not at appt), my parents and his parents afterwards.
Maybe she doesn’t think it’s been serious if you haven’t?

EggnogNoggin · 05/05/2025 21:51

Sorry about your son but she tried to call and then gave you space so as not to put pressure on you. She presumably knows you'll call when it suits you.

I think you're stressed and looking for someone to let it out on (not deliberately). Be kind to yourself and find a way to decompress before speaking to your mum.

TryingToBeHelpful267 · 05/05/2025 22:29

You’re assuming quite a lot. Including her reasons for calling. She called but didn’t leave a voicemail therefore she doesn’t care about her grandson? That’s a bit of a jump imo

gamerchick · 05/05/2025 23:14

She did ring, you didn't answer.

I agree with a PP. Your pressure cooker is full and you need to pour all that anxiety and worry into something now you're relieved and your mother is safe really because she'll keep loving you anyway. Don't do it.

Go punch a punch bag for a bit instead.

BigHeadBertha · 05/05/2025 23:21

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable. You've been there for her and now your son, her grandson, is having medical issues that worry you and she doesn't seem as invested as you'd expected or hoped.

However, I also think it's very, very easy for any of us to misunderstand a situation or to get too caught up in our own lives from time to time. For ex., I could see her not wanting to disturb you and figuring you will contact her when you want to talk. Or may other scenarios.

Therefore, I'd first stop and consider if she has a pattern of being self-involved and not seeming to care about you and your life that much OR if this is an unusual event.

If it's the first situation, perhaps you'd be happier to lower your expectations a bit and also step back on focusing on her problems. Or you could try having a discussion with her about it, using "I" messages. It could be she doesn't realize you want her input that much and would be flattered. It could be an ongoing misunderstanding about what you both want.

If it's the second situation, then definitely consider having a talk with her, using "I" messages and telling her how much her support means to you.

Best wishes. :)

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