How do I stay upbeat and positive for my DD11 when things are falling apart?

[TheDancingHorses]

I’ve just about hit rock bottom this morning after a crappy few years and am struggling to pick myself up and be the DM that my youngest DD needs. I would really appreciate any words of support or wisdom.

In the last few months, things have gone from bad to worse:

• my DSis has been diagnosed with cancer for the third time in just over 2 years. She doesn’t talk about it so I don’t know what her prognosis is but she’s really poorly and can barely walk anymore. We lost our mum last year and our dad died 25 years ago so there’s just the two of us left.
• DH and I are on the verge of splitting up. We’ve had many issues with his family over the years and he has always prioritised them over me, especially his sister who has been awful to me - to the extent that he admits she’s tried to split us up, but he still cares more about her feelings than mine. He’s also emotionally unsupportive - for example, when I was told my DM had days to live, I called DH to talk about it around 8pm as I was with DM who lived a couple of hours away. DH then didn’t bother to even text the next day to see how I was. I’ve reached the point where I would rather be on my own than with someone who acts like they don’t give a toss.
• My oldest DD has her first baby earlier this year. A week before DGC was born, her now ex-partner kicked her out and DD and DGC have been living with us ever since. It turns out that ex-partner had been cheating on her (even gave DD clymidea which resulted in nearly going into premature labour at 29 weeks), he lost his job due to failing a drugs test, hasn’t given her a penny in child support, and made no effort to see the baby. Anyway, he’s now reappeared and wants to play happy families and DD is considering going back to him. I am beside myself at the thought of her going back to this lying, cheating scum but if I so much as say anything less than positive about him I’m the bad guy.

All in all, I’m done in. I just want to crawl into bed and ignore the world but I have an 11 year old DD who needs a mum who is stable and happy as all the above will be impacting on her too. I’m sorry for the long post. I have none to talk to in real life so would really appreciate some guidance/help/support. Thanks!

Firstly, I’m sorry that everything is so shit and I am sending you an internet hug because it sounds like you need one! I don’t have any specific advice, but when I’ve been going through some particularly shitty times I have designated myself time to fall apart. So, I have to hold it together for everyone until say 9.30pm, at which point I am allowed to crawl into bed and sob whilst mainlining chocolate. I found it almost a reward for getting through the difficult days, as a proper cry really does help a bit and knowing I had time set aside to do that helped me get through the day, even with gritted teeth. Also, your DD will understand that these things are affecting you if she’s aware of any of them, and you can be stable whilst still feeling what you need to feel so don’t feel like you have to plaster on a smile all of the time, you can still support her whilst acknowledging that things are tough for you too. I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful, but please look after yourself however you can.

You sound like an amazing mum. Your daughters are very lucky to have you.
Be kind to yourself. You have had so much to cope with.

Dig deep OP, your 11 year old will massively thank you at 18+, be that parent x

I'm so sorry you're going through such a lot and still grieving for your mum and dad. You've got a lot on your plate and I think it's asking too much of yourself to be upbeat and positive as well - be kind to yourself and take a day at a time.

I think it's ok to talk to your 11 year old and tell her you're all going through a difficult time but that things will work themselves out and get better - it's ok to admit you're feeling sad. Children know when we're faking it, I think.

What you can do is think about what you can do and what you can't control - for example, you can't stop your DD going back to her horrible partner, you can only tell her how you feel about it. You can't tell your DSis how to cope with her cancer diagnosis, you can only tell her you love her and offer support.

If your marriage is dead in the water, would it make you feel better to get on with the unpleasant business of getting the break up over and done with so you can begin to move on? We often put off the inevitable because we know it will be difficult but what is on the other side is a more peaceful existence - that will benefit you and your DD in the long run.

I'm so sorry you are going through all this. As others have said, for your oldest daughter all you can do is be there for her, express your concerns but letting her know you will always be there for her whatever decision she makes.
11 year olds are very perceptive, she will know you are struggling but possibly not want to talk to you for fear of upsetting you more. I would have an open conversation with her, letting her know she can talk to you about anything that's worrying her.
Your DH - if you seperate, would he move out without too much fuss?

A huge thank you to everyone who has commented. Some wise words, I particularly like the idea of mainlining chocolate- although I’ve just been for blood tests and they’ve come back to show I’ve got high cholesterol and v low iron so it’s better be dark chocolate! I’m due to have an iron infusion later this week so hopefully that’ll give me a bit more energy.

Right now, I’m going to focus on taking each day as it comes. I’ll find a good time to have a chat with DD11 - she’s very sensitive to how I’m feeling so I think the advice of talking to her is really good and will help her deal with all the stuff that’s happening.

As an added complication, we emigrated from our home country nearly 10 years ago. All DHs family are there and he is desperate to return while the rest of us have settled happily. I think he’ll go back eventually but he would prefer us all to go back as a family. If not, he’ll wait until DD11 finishes school and then look at going by himself.

On the positive side, DS is away at uni but called earlier to say he’ll be home at the weekend for Mother’s Day (we’re in NZ) so that’s something good to look forward to.

Thanks again, you don’t know what a difference your supportive comments have made.

Sending hugs. Tell your dd that you’re struggling but you love her and you WILL be ok (because you will). She needs to know both those things- and that sometimes we all do struggle.

Then do something nice- a duvet day, a yoga class, a walk in the park, mainline chocolate. Be the mummy to yourself. After that you can get your big girl pants back on and woman up (etc!) but look after yourself too. If you crash and burn it’ll be much harder for her (ask me how I know ) so do be gentle with yourself.