Stopping contact

[WK3]

AIBU?
share 2 kids with ex husband 13 and 11.
horrific abuse, sexual, mental and financial during our time together.
Left with the kids 8 years ago. Didn’t stop the children going to their dads as a judge told me at the time “what he did, he did to you, not the children”.
fast forward 8 years- in this time i have hardly received any maintenance for the children. Was so scared to go to cms in case he kicked off that the only proof i have of his non payments are my bank statements. Finally plucked up the courage to go to cms- current arrears stand at 6k. Still getting nothing from
him despite cms involvement.
children see him one weekend a month, if he can afford to have them. 🙄
when the children go, you can tell if he’s had a big win on the gamblers. Sometimes they come back with new iPhones/xboxes, things I could never afford. But most of the time they come home and say “we didn’t do anything” “Dad slept the whole time”. Heartbreakingly they have gone for b’days and Xmas before and he’s not them nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not even some sweets or something. He says that he didn’t have any money. My argument is that he knows when the kids bdays are and when Xmas is so should budget for it.

here’s where I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. I feel like I should stop contact. Why should he see them if he’s not paying for them? Why should he see them if all he’s going to do is sleep when they’re there?

But here’s the thing- if I were to stand in front of a judge and the judge asked me what my safeguarding concerns are? I have none! I can hand on heart say I don’t have any safeguarding reasons why they shouldn’t go and see their dad. I often wish I did so that I could actually stop contact.

hes lazy, gambles and thinks everything is everyone else’s fault except his, but he doesn’t put the children in danger. Not that the children have mentioned anyway.

children are getting to the point now where they would prefer to be home where their mates are. My DD 11, even said she wasn’t sure if there was a point in going the last time, as they didn’t do anything.

any constructive help/ legal help would be appreciated

I’d also like to add that I know my children are not “pay per view”. Incase someone thinks I think that.

Kids can make their own minds up. If they don’t want to go, I’d be listening to them. Safeguarding isn’t just physical or sexual abuse, emotional abuse/neglect is also damaging too.

Exactly this. They are old enough to know he's a shit dad. Money or not, if he was a good dad he would do fun stuff with them. You don't need money to have fun. Sleeping all the time is neglectful and will be making them feel like he doesn't care about them being there. If they don't want to go you can't force them. I'm sure in the next few years they will see him for what he is and make your life easier in that regard. I'm sorry you've got nowhere on the money side of things. Dad's that don't pay for their kids living expenses are the worst. They deserve better and they'll realise it soon enough.

Your children are of an age where they can decide if they want to go or not. I wouldn't stop them going but I wouldn't make them go either.