My oldest daughter is 23. She was diagnosed with high functioning autism at 16. She works hard and recently bought her first flat. She’s lovely and I love her to bits. We’ve always been close but I feel we’ve drifted apart a bit since she moved out last year. I do try and there is no bad feeling. But she’s busy with work, her flat and her kitten. And I’m a single mother to her younger siblings and work full-time. I hope to take her away on holiday this year.
She is seeing someone at the moment and before him, had one other long-term (ish) partner. She ended it with him because he was borderline abusive and clearly had alcohol issues. He was older than her too. I was very proud of her for calling time on the relationship, and no matter how much he begged, she never went back. She gave him more chances than most but got there eventually.
She has never been the casual dating type and is steadfastly loyal. This brings me on to the man she is seeing now. Again, he is older than her. I have never met him but on more than one occasion, I have told her it’s going nowhere and that she should end it. I feel I owe her a degree of straightforwardness because I kept my counsel for too long over her last relationship. I’ll explain why I feel this way about her current relationship.
He has always been backwards and forwards in his attitude of wanting to be with her. So one minute he’s making noises of not wanting commitment and having fears of it not working out. She will then back off a bit and then he’ll try to draw her back in. It’s push - pull all the time from him, which she finds confusing and angst inducing. He will contact her late at night, the reason for which I’m sure you can guess. He’ll umm and aww over whether he’s taking her out and let her down last minute. He’ll gaslight her and say she’s too needy. Yesterday, she took him along to her father’s house for a barbecue. It was her first time introducing him to a family member. He had dawdled for ages on making a decision on whether he wanted to go, and so they were hours’ late. This obviously put my daughter in a really awkward and stressful position.
He sounds like a prick and he is mugging her off completely. I know I should leave her to it, but I feel protective over her. She’s a bit more vulnerable and less worldly experienced than many young people of her age. And so trusting.
I’ve told her what I think but don’t want it to be at the cost of our relationship. Why can’t she see what I see, that she is wonderful and deserving of so much more?
I don’t know why she is like this. I haven’t dated for years but when I did, put up with no nonsense from men. I never introduced my daughters to anyone, as they’ve always come first for me. I’ve tried to reach my daughters to be strong, but feel I’ve missed the mark with her. If I’d taught her better, surely her last two partners wouldn’t have been arseholes 😢
I don’t know how to get through to her, so will leave it now. I’m ashamed to admit that she didn’t tell me about taking him to her dad’s house, so it seems that she won’t confide in me anymore due to my big mouth. But it’s so hard to keep my feelings to myself. I did it for too long in her last relationship and that truly went to shit.
I just love her so much and want her to break this cycle. She will refuse any offer of counselling, I know she will. My 18 year old daughter is generally very astute and said that he was a weirdo, after meeting him at the barbecue.
Any words of wisdom?
Thanks.