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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this odd or am I being unreasonable and sensitive

28 replies

TheThreeMiracles · 04/05/2025 19:27

Fully prepared to be told I’m being stupid but money is quite tight at the moment ( isn’t it for most families tho )
partner does the shopping at the weekend and I will usually pick things up during the week if we need or fancy something different! Anyway sorry for the long post but a few times this week he’s spoke to me about money what we have or what he’s transferred over etc it’s got to the point he walks through the door doesn’t ask how I am or how kids are just oh we have this or I’ve transferred that etc tonight whilst he’s making food he’s sent me a message saying “ can we just use the food we have in now this week; I think we have enough to last us till Friday / Saturday “ it’s made me feel really shit like I use all the money etc I don’t and he’s told me in the past I don’t but he’s a habit of saying it’s all okay and then bang throws in the odd comment ! I really don’t feel like dinner now feel like I’m being greedy by eating or buying something etc ! Is he being a bit unreasonable or am I just sensitive?
fwiw he phoned his mum the other day during lunch to see how she was and how her move was going !!!! Yet walked through the door and straight away said about money to me no how are you or anything ! I’m 34 weeks pregnant and feel so uncared about by him so it may just be me thank you for reading If you got that far ! X

OP posts:
Liverpool52 · 04/05/2025 19:31

I think you are being a bit sensitive. Maybe he's just worried about money and doesn't see the need to go to the shop when there's food in the house because you fancy something different. If he does the weekly shop, he sees the cost of it.

HoskinsChoice · 04/05/2025 19:32

Do you work?

rubyslippers · 04/05/2025 19:33

Do you not share funds? You talk about him transferring money
maybe he’s worried as assume you’re going on mat leave etc?
I think you’re being over sensitive unless there’s more going on

MummytoE · 04/05/2025 19:33

I think he's obviously worried about money, or worried about your future finances when you go on maternity pay perhaps? Do you have an joint account? Might be best to just ask him what's going on. Something might have happened but he's doesn't want to worry you x

steff13 · 04/05/2025 19:33

It sounds like he might be concerned about money. I get it; a lot of times I don't want to eat what we already have in the house but I do because we already bought that food and so that's what we're having.

Spirallingdownwards · 04/05/2025 19:33

It sounds like he is really worried about your finances. Have you started maternity leave? Is it first baby? Perhaps the enormity of being the sole financial earner for a while is kicking in together with the fact he is realising there will also be a baby in the mix too and is worrying about the impact of childcare costs on finances too.

Sunnyglowdays · 04/05/2025 19:35

How are your finances organised? Do you have access to money?

I would never need to ask DH for money for food but if money was tight then I would be carefully meal planning and sticking to it, buying top up shop if needed but not changing the plan because I didn’t fancy it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/05/2025 19:36

I think if I had at least two children, another on the way, my partner wasn't working and I was worried about feeding, clothing and housing 5+ people in a couple of months, I'd probably try to talk about it openly to try to encourage cutting costs down a bit, rather than worry about it alone.

Original poster
TheThreeMiracles · 04/05/2025 19:37

We share an account he gets wages and we get universal credit as a top up as such and both go into the joint account, we’re not that skint that he stops having a few beers every few nights etc, when I say about transferring money he has a separate account which he pays money into from his wage to save in case of emergencies etc. x

OP posts:
MummytoE · 04/05/2025 19:40

Sounds like he's panicking about having another mouth to feed. Or is there a chance his hours have been cut or something that's going to effect the money coming in x

Helpmeplease2025 · 04/05/2025 19:42

Do you not have wages too?

Overthebow · 04/05/2025 19:46

He’s obviously worried about money and is just asking you not to buy any extra food at the moment and to use what you already have in the house

Uricon2 · 04/05/2025 19:47

TheThreeMiracles · 04/05/2025 19:37

We share an account he gets wages and we get universal credit as a top up as such and both go into the joint account, we’re not that skint that he stops having a few beers every few nights etc, when I say about transferring money he has a separate account which he pays money into from his wage to save in case of emergencies etc. x

You don't have totally shared finances and one person with a separate account "for emergencies". It's either totally joint or you have different accounts with a shared one for bills and expenses.

I think you need to return to work ASAP and make sure your own financial interests (and those of your child) are looked after

OfficerChurlish · 04/05/2025 19:48

Why are you feeling criticised/attacked? You've said you're careful about money and he has said in the past that he doesn't feel there's a problem with your spending. It does sound like he's very anxious about spending money right now but it's also natural for him to talk with you about it since you have shared expenses (and it sounds like you're doing more of the household shopping and cooking than he is right now).

Can the two of you talk about this when you both have time and are relaxed? Each listen to and understand the other no matter how long it takes. He can tell you what's really bothering him, and you can let him know you're anxious that he doesn't seem to be interested in how you're doing especially in light of the pregnancy and that everything seems to be revolving around concern about money. If the two of you can agree on and stick to a weekly budget - and communicate when there's a glitch, like if one of you has needed to spend extra for an unexpected expense, or if he has less money coming in for some reason - then maybe money can go back to being just part of the picture, rather than seeming to always be the main thing.

Sundaydrizzle · 04/05/2025 19:56

Have you added up how much your top ups shop cost every week? Nipping in for bits can easily get to £50 a week if unchecked, maybe you just can't afford it?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2025 20:00

He sounds really stressed. It would be better to sit down and calmly have a chat about finances tonight once the kids are in bed than to skip eating to make some sort of a point. He’s right to raise concerns if he has them and everyone knows top up shops can very quickly add up to quite a lot of money. If the way he’s doing it is upsetting you then tell him so.

Original poster
TheThreeMiracles · 04/05/2025 20:02

I completely get that we should sit down and talk however we have before regularly and I’m always told “ oh no you don’t spend too much or it’s not you who uses the money “ etc so it’s abit of playing around with it one minute I’m not doing wrong the next it’s like he’s blaming me ! X

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 04/05/2025 20:04

I think he's just worried about money. You need to sit down and talk about it calmly.

Original poster
TheThreeMiracles · 04/05/2025 20:25

Even when we do sit down and plan talk about money he tells me we are fine and have enough to live off so even if I had the conversation with him he’s still say it’s all ok snd he didn’t mean anything by it x

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 04/05/2025 20:30

He sounds really financially stressed.

Are you currently working?

Time for a sit down and some hard core budgeting.

steff13 · 04/05/2025 20:30

TheThreeMiracles · 04/05/2025 20:02

I completely get that we should sit down and talk however we have before regularly and I’m always told “ oh no you don’t spend too much or it’s not you who uses the money “ etc so it’s abit of playing around with it one minute I’m not doing wrong the next it’s like he’s blaming me ! X

But it doesn't sound like he blamed you? He was just suggesting that instead of buying extra food you eat the food you already have in the house. That's not the same thing as blaming you.

verycloakanddaggers · 04/05/2025 22:36

“ can we just use the food we have in now this week; I think we have enough to last us till Friday / Saturday “ I don't understand why this has upset you, it's a pretty ordinary suggestion.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 04/05/2025 23:10

I would have a magnetic list stuck on your fridge. Write things on it that you have ran out of and then try and stick to buying what is on your list only on the top ups. Obvs have your treats as he is obs still getting the beers in but don't get tempted by all the offers. Like others have said it sounds like he is super stressed about money. If you aren't/can't breastfeed that's quite an expense getting all the formula in not to mention nappies, wipes etc. If he's a worrier that's what he will be doing, thinking into the future.

Helen483 · 23/05/2025 11:10

Uricon2 · 04/05/2025 19:47

You don't have totally shared finances and one person with a separate account "for emergencies". It's either totally joint or you have different accounts with a shared one for bills and expenses.

I think you need to return to work ASAP and make sure your own financial interests (and those of your child) are looked after

Show quote history

This.

Sorry, but I think there are red flags here.
The "fund for emergencies" needs to be in joint names - supposing something happened to him and you needed money (eg to pay a medical or car-related bill) quickly?

Sorry OP, but if this is a new behaviour I think you should ask how much there is left in that account.

DeedlessIndeed · 23/05/2025 11:37

I agree with DH. You shouldn't be dipping into savings for food shops unless you absolutely have to! Definitely not because you just don't fancy the food in the house.

He is clearly stressed - agree specific sum that you can spend on food each week and stick to it.