DH tells our autistic DS to shut up all the time

[WildPineapple]

DS is non verbal autistic and is vocally very loud. He shouts and makes happy noises and vocally stims. It’s his way of communicating and his noises are involuntary. He is extremely loud and does a loud scream sometimes out of nowhere. My issue is DH who regularly tells him to shut up. I’ve told him to stop and that it’s disrespectful to DS especially as vocal stimming is his way of communicating. DS now regularly shouts SHUT UP! as he’s heard it so often. He is very loud and his noises are jarring but I always just say - shh! Quiet! or I try and distract him. I hate how DH tells him to shut up. AIBU??

I'm so sorry op, that must be unimaginably tough for you. Could you try an emotions chart, if you haven't already? When you dc is trying to communicate, you get out the chart and ask him to point to how he is feeling eg: happy/sad/angry face. Then you can use the techniques under those emotions to work with him to help calm that feeling. I don't know if it'll help, sorry if you're already doing this.

Your dh is frustrated and tired, losing his cool in a very difficult situation. He needs to walk out of the room/wear headphones to listen to music and come back when he is calmer. Shouting at your child is counterproductive; remind dh this is behaviour that your child has absolutely no control over, and cannot help it. Remind dh that it is your job as parents to support ds with his emotions as best you can. He needs to put his oxygen mask on, then come back and use some helpful techniques. The more he shouts, the worse things will become. 💐 Sending virtual hugs, sorry I couldn't be of more help op. I just didn't want to read and run. I'm sure a lovely Mnetter will be around shortly to post some helpful links/books, etc.

I was told a lot to shut up as a child. I found it very damaging. I don't know how good your child is at reading tones of voice, but would agree - as someone with non-verbal autistic child in wider family - that it isn't going to help your child manage their loud cries.

Other people will probably come on who have tried different ways of managing this kind of behaviour. Distraction tends to work best with my relative if they are doing something repeatedly that is unpleasant or harmful.

In terms of general communication, their immediate family use PECS.

Having an extremely loud non verbal autistic child myself I can only empathise
Most of the time I tolerate his noise,but occasionally when he's shouting and im.trying to.do something I have told him to shut up.
Normally I follow schools lead and say things like shouting has finished which usually works.

If your son is copying his dad’s “Shut up “ commands, then he isn’t entirely non- verbal and could perhaps learn other words and phrases in time. How old is he?
Your husband is rude and disrespectful to your child, though. It must be horrible to be treated like that by your own parent.

Yeah, I’d see this as a bit of a win. Although dad is a complete twat.

I think ‘shut up’ is a horrible, aggressive thing to say to anyone in any context, let alone in this case.

I like the idea of the emotions chart but for your DH who apparently struggles to regulate his emotions and takes frustration out on his child.

Having an autistic son myself all I can say is that in my experience with a lot of parenting input autism issues improve immeasurably over time. Parenting classes for both you and your DH are so important and over time you can develop either your son’s verbal communication or alternative communication with PECS etc and stimming can change too. My son was an avid couch crasher, then trampolines and now TV watcher so stims develop.

Research Intensive Interaction, it really opens up a world of alternative communication

Such a shame that the first words he learns are shut up. YANBU but if he can say words surely that is good? He is communicating albeit just parroting your husband. It surely doesn’t work anyway and I would agree that shh would be a better way of asking him to be quieter. It must be difficult. My granddaughters are autistic but are verbal and they have charts with emotions on there they can point to if happy, sad, anxious or whatever. Does he try and communicate using visuals?

My friends non verbal grandson is just learning to sing or count by repeating phrases. Much nicer than being shouted at which must be traumatising for your son.

On thé plus side, he's not non verbal and can be taught phrases!

Non verbal does not mean that a child has no words. The OPs child might have many one off words or even phrases. Many autistic children repeat words and phrases they learn via a process called echolalia but they are still non verbal in that they don’t use their language to communicate their thoughts, feelings, ideas etc.

I don’t like children being told to shut up, it’s a pretty aggressive. But the loud scream out of now where must be incredible difficult to live with, I think my nerves would be shredded.

Given that your DS has managed to pick some words up, could you DH shout something else? I understand the shout as an immediate release of tension - I can imagine doing the same thing in response to a sudden loud scream,

Your DH is the adult in this situation and should act accordingly. It’s absolutely disgusting that he tells DS to “shut up”. I am a parent to an autistic adult so I relate to his frustration but he needs to find alternative coping strategies because the one he’s using is incredibly damaging. I completely understand how it feels to be subjected to the stimming and sudden loud sounds but it’s your son’s voice. He needs to find a way to gently guide him towards a more, let’s say, “socially acceptable” communication style. I hate myself for using that term but my own strategy was always to take the view that my DS wasn’t always going to be met with understanding & acceptance so he needed to be able to deal with life in a predominantly NT world. It’s all well and good saying that autistic people should be treated equally but the reality is sadly very different. But please encourage your DH to take a different approach. Your beautiful DS is simply trying to communicate and even though he’s nonverbal he still will be hurt by his dad’s words.

I have some empathy for your DH here.

While he shouldn't be telling your DS to shut up, I would find it incredibly stressful to live with someone who made lots of loud, random sounds all the time - even if I knew they couldn't help it.

He needs to find another way to cope though - maybe Loop earplugs to dull the noise, or a signal he can give you when he really needs a minute to calm down?

I agree. I’d never say it to my children, let alone my dc now aged 12 who has complex autism (attends complex needs school). It’s just rude and hurtful.

Yanbu.

DS is autistic and very loud, and sometimes it drives me crazy. But it’s not his fault! He cannot regulate volume at all.

We do remind him to use a quieter voice and we use a gesture (making a “smaller” using thumb and finger) to visualise it.

I can totally understand DH being frustrated and losing patience occasionally but it’s not fair if it becomes his default response to DS.

I have a similar son. It takes a lot of getting used to and it is really hard to think straight in that situation. I would prefer be quiet please than shut up, but I have said it a few times when my ears have really been assaulted and ive been tired from little sleep. He just needs to change the words he says so they do not sound aggressive and they make sense to autistic person. I take my son to his room when he is particularly loud or has other behaviours like spitting. It is his space to do as he wishes and stim to his hearts content, but in a way it doesnt impact everyone else as much. I just move away or wear ear defenders myself if I cant do this. Not easy when it is the middle of the night though.

Saying shut up is not the best thing to say to someone who is autistic anyway as they might not interpret shut up with being quiet.

What are his parenting skills like generally? How was he parented himself? I think telling any child to shut up is awful but would he have been treated like this himself?

He might benefit from parenting classes if so. Some people don’t have a good benchmark of parenting from their own childhoods.

My (now adult) DSis is similar, very loud and sudden stimming and vocalising when happy. As a family we would be happy to hear him shriek/squeal because it meant he was happy.

I think your DH needs a way of coping with the noise, but also he needs to try and reframe vocalising as a sign his son is happy and all is well.