To think being the bigger person is dangerous and ends up with people getting away with stuff?

[Liesmorelies]

I've had the worst year or so of my life at work and even now it's supposedly over my reputation has been tarnished because people I barely know have heard and believed stuff about me because I was advised and believed that it would look bad if I spoke about what was happening to people who weren't themselves directly involved. Now one version of events had been spread and not countered and it's too late for me to do anything about it.

I think similar things have happened many times in my life with the same outcome, but this has been the most impactful.

This has happened to me too. It’s horrible.
Being the bigger person ends up with the truth being silenced.
Nobody thinks badly of the big gob that is spreading the lies. Infact it increases their popularity.

I’m in a similar position at work. I have tried to keep my head held high and ignore the gossip but it’s hard and does get me down. Now realising not everyone is listening to the lies and hoping it will soon go away and the liar will look like the stupid one

best of luck op

TW mentions CSA

Being the bigger person can be a manipulative way to silence people. I went through a really bad time when the abuse I experienced in my family came out and everyone had swept it under the rug and implored me to be the bigger person. I called them out on it. They were obviously not happy but it helped my mental health no end to know that I could stand up for my self when other people were willing to throw me under the bus.

I agree. If one person is an utter nightmare and everybody else just goes 'oh never mind, doesn't matter, let it go, not a big deal' then the utter nighmare person runs the show. Why should they always get their way?

Nobody thinks badly of the big gob that is spreading the lies. In fact it increases their popularity.

After falling foul of one of these types, I run a mile from people who start tearing other people down in hushed tones to bond with me.
At some point it WILL be your turn to be bullied, gossiped about & dragged down, usually if you don't nod along.

OP, it's hard but there will be others who already have the measure of them. It will get better & you won't have compromised your own integrity for a gobshite.

It only works if it's an active choice.

My parents have a lot of anxiety and frame avoidance/people pleasing as 'being the bigger person' and it caused a lot of problems. Even now when they are taken advantage of and just say they are being kind or it doesn't matter...and they don't set normal boundaries because I think it makes them feel selfish or unkind. It makes me worry for them and also really frustrates me.

Totally agree op.

I am dealing with one in a professional capacity this week and will not go easy on them. The drama they create for others is ridiculous. Everyone sees it but doesn’t want to deal with it for fear of getting sucked into the toxic vortex. I don’t give a shit what they think of me, fortunately.

Yes

in most walks of life, it does not pay to be passive

shitty behaviour; politely but firmly call it out

I chose to be the bigger person when I escaped from mine and my children's abuser

Fallout is that there's a bunch of people who couldn't spot a genuine narc if they tried, who believed the poison he had been dripping in their ears during our entire relationship, and my not speaking out may have kept my children and I safe(r at least) but it's also impacted a good friend (only found out last week and the event so to speak was well over a decade ago).

It did work out, outside of my friend being collateral damage, for the most part. Services involved saw him for what he really is, and that was what nattered, not my continuing relationships with people who were only there for the drama.