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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband’s rubbish communication

14 replies

NorthernLass50 · 04/05/2025 06:59

Yesterday, my husband had arranged to meet friends for drinks. I agreed to be his taxi and dropped him off at lunchtime.
We didn’t agree a collect time; it was very much call me when you’re ready - which I was fine with.

Yesterday, I also had an appointment in the afternoon which I was ok about attending alone but this was something I was really stressed and worried about.
This issue has caused us both significant worry for a few weeks.

I sent a text after the appointment - essentially saying it went ok but I felt sick about it and had cried.

He took 5 hours to reply (and this is a man who is on his phone frequently).

I get he was out with his mates but if the situation had been reversed, I would have made sure to check in - to see how it had gone and that he was ok. A quick phone call would have taken a minute or two.
He knows how worried I have been but it felt very much like out of sight, out of mind.
He is generally not very good at showing emotion.

Am I being unreasonable to think he should have made an effort to contact me/reply sooner (when he knows how stressful this issue has been for me)?

OP posts:
Whatahardlife · 04/05/2025 07:13

If this was an important appointment about something you had been worrying about I'm actually surprised he chose to go out drinking with his friends.

Unless the meet up with them was to celebrate something significant it seems exceptionally selfish of him to use you as a taxi service when you had something important happening yourself.

At the very least he should have responded to your text as soon as he could and shown concern about how things had gone.

Is he normally self centered and uncaring OP? That's how he comes over in this.

It sounds like a one sided relationship.

Sherararara · 04/05/2025 07:14

if it was that important and you wanted to speak to him why didn’t you just call him instead of texting?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/05/2025 07:14

What happened when he got home? Was he suitably supportive?

Sparkletastic · 04/05/2025 07:52

If you were fine about him going out for drinks with friends whilst you went to appointment you can’t really blame him for not being in touch at that time.

Flipslop · 04/05/2025 07:59

I think if you were ok with him going out and also coming back whenever he wanted despite the appointment you have to take yourself at your word. He might not have thought responding to a sensitive subject surrounded by his mates on a day drinking session was the best time to do so and he would be seeing you later in the day.
i do absolutely understand your hurt, you wanted his support, it’s crossed communication in this case about the expectation on the day.
Hope you’re feeling ok now whatever the news was from the appointment x

Original poster
NorthernLass50 · 04/05/2025 08:09

Sherararara · 04/05/2025 07:14

if it was that important and you wanted to speak to him why didn’t you just call him instead of texting?

Hi,
I did call him a couple of times. Initially the call didn’t go through so I guessed he was somewhere with poor signal.

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthernLass50 · 04/05/2025 08:10

Sparkletastic · 04/05/2025 07:52

If you were fine about him going out for drinks with friends whilst you went to appointment you can’t really blame him for not being in touch at that time.

Thanks Sparkletastic, I understand what you’re saying. But I know if it were me, I still would have contacted him to check he was ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthernLass50 · 04/05/2025 08:11

Flipslop · 04/05/2025 07:59

I think if you were ok with him going out and also coming back whenever he wanted despite the appointment you have to take yourself at your word. He might not have thought responding to a sensitive subject surrounded by his mates on a day drinking session was the best time to do so and he would be seeing you later in the day.
i do absolutely understand your hurt, you wanted his support, it’s crossed communication in this case about the expectation on the day.
Hope you’re feeling ok now whatever the news was from the appointment x

Thank you. I partly feel I’m over sensitive because of all the worry.
Things are now resolved thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthernLass50 · 04/05/2025 08:13

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/05/2025 07:14

What happened when he got home? Was he suitably supportive?

He ended up staying at a mate’s but is heading home now as we’ve got a day out planned. I’ve had a lot of messages with lots of xxx

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/05/2025 08:54

NorthernLass50 · 04/05/2025 08:13

He ended up staying at a mate’s but is heading home now as we’ve got a day out planned. I’ve had a lot of messages with lots of xxx

Show quote history

So he didn’t even come home? That’s quite shit. I’m sorry.

Whatahardlife · 04/05/2025 08:58

Does he often go on all day drinking sessions and then stay out all night OP?

The fact you're getting lots of messages and kisses sounds like someone who knows he's not behaved well and is love bombing you now to avoid having to have a serios conversation.

I would seriously be wondering what he'd been up to going no communication and staying out all night even if there wasn't his lack of interest in your serious appointment to consider as well.

It sounds as though there are other things going on in your marriage.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/05/2025 09:20

I think you’re absolutely correct, it was a case of “Out of sight, out of mind”. He didn’t contact you because he wasn’t thinking about you.
Was he drinking? Because, this is one of the problems with drinkers, they are wrapped up in themselves.
Hopefully this was a one-off.

Original poster
NorthernLass50 · 04/05/2025 13:53

Whatahardlife · 04/05/2025 08:58

Does he often go on all day drinking sessions and then stay out all night OP?

The fact you're getting lots of messages and kisses sounds like someone who knows he's not behaved well and is love bombing you now to avoid having to have a serios conversation.

I would seriously be wondering what he'd been up to going no communication and staying out all night even if there wasn't his lack of interest in your serious appointment to consider as well.

It sounds as though there are other things going on in your marriage.

Edited

Hi,
No - he rarely goes out with friends drinking like this - maybe 2 or 3 times a year.
He stayed at friends’ - a couple we socialise with and know well.
One of his reasons for not coming home was a taxi would have been £40 plus and he knew it was too late to expect me to go out.
I agree with the love bombing but honestly don’t think this is indicative of anything other than out of sight, out of mind.

Thanks for commenting.

OP posts:
Flipslop · 08/05/2025 07:43

NorthernLass50 · 04/05/2025 08:11

Thank you. I partly feel I’m over sensitive because of all the worry.
Things are now resolved thank you x

Show quote history

Glad things are sorted xx

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