Why do I find it so difficult with SIL?

[nellibet]

I’ve never felt comfortable around my SIL and from the start, it was clear to me she never really liked me. We are both at the same age and share some similarities - strong, independent women, professional careers and broadly have similar challenges and backgrounds. In theory we could have been great friends.

She has always cut me out of communication between her, my husband, and their family. She’s very controlling and can be quite manipulative, setting the tone in family situations and expecting everyone to fall in line, or things get very awkward.

Thankfully, she lives abroad with her DH and two kids so we don’t see her often — but when we do, visits feel tense and orchestrated around her
plans and vision. It always feel like she comes with an agenda and she tries to tick boxes.
Over the 22 years I’ve known her, I learned to keep my distance when she’s around, partly because I’ve always sensed she’s uneasy with me and I end up mirroring that discomfort.

That said, she’s always made a big effort to connect with my daughter and bring her close into her side of the family, especially with her two sons. My daughter is now 16, and the communication between them has continued — but still completely cutting me out. She’ll talk to my daughter about family plans, assuming (wrongly) that my husband keeps me in the loop. He doesn’t. I’m always feeling sidelined and excluded.

My daughter is starting to notice the awkwardness too and that I am not naturally happy with this attitude and while I don’t want to interfere in their relationship (my daughter adores SIL too) or come across as controlling myself, I do find it unsettling. It feels like a continuation of the same manipulative dynamic established over the years with DH just now this is passing on to DD. It’s a subtle form of control and it puts me on edge.

For context, my husband has always defended his sister, dismissing my concerns and calling me paranoid whenever I tried to call out her behaviour. Even when he privately admitted she could be difficult or controlling, he never once stood up to her — not even when others clearly felt uncomfortable around her.

We’re now separating, in part because I’m tired of living with someone who lacked the strength to back me up. So I’m facing this dynamic on my own now and trying to figure out how to handle it in a way that’s healthy — for me and for my daughter — without being cast as the petty or controlling one.

On one hand, I’m glad my daughter has her own independent relationship with her aunt. But it also comes with emotional baggage for me. And the hardest question I keep coming back to is: how can someone I’m so close to — my daughter — have such a strong bond with someone who clearly doesn’t like me?

Thank you for any thoughts and tips on how to manage this.

It seems to me that this is over now. You're splitting up with her brother, and your daughter is approaching adulthood and has an independent relationship with her aunt. There is no need to have anything more to do with her really.
If it continues to bother you, is there something about the situation that touches a deeper nerve? Are you afraid of losing your daughter in some way? Being alone?

This seems to be years of you self sabotaging.

Why did you need to have a relationship with SIL for your daughter to have one?

And as the pp said. It's over. That side of the family is no longer relevant to you.

She doesn’t see you as a member of her family.

Mow that you’re separating, this will all fall away and your daughter will know and be involved in much more re her dad’s family than you ever will have been.

You don’t need to be a passive participant in your or your daughter’s life. You can be in control of your own life and your own family.

Your daughter is almost an adult so leave her be.

Your SIL lives abroad anyway so I'm surprised you give her so much headspace.

As to 'how can your daughter have such a strong bond with someone who clearly doesn’t like you', why shouldn't she?

She sounds like a lovely aunt, but she's simply someone you're not particularly fond of.

And that's ok.

It sounded like you had a DH problem. It's not unreasonable for your SIL to expect your DH to communicate family plans to you, though it would have been nice for her to include you. Perhaps she was pushing back against the damaging expectation that it's the women who have to take on the labour of organising family, and trying to force your ex to step up.

Whatever has happened in the past, I agree with PPs. This part of your life is finished. You can spend emotional effort on going over it, or you can focus on the future and the life you want moving forward. Kids and teens don't always pick up on adult dynamics so your daughter may not be aware of the tensions between you. Let that relationship proceed without you. Don't feel any obligation to help it either. That can be done on your ex's time.

It sounds like you’re well-rid of your lazy DH. I bet he blames her for this. Sucks to be them.

You’re separating. You don’t need to have a relationship with her. It’s perfectly fine for your 16 year old daughter to have a relationship with her aunt and one that doesn’t involve you now you’re not with your DH anymore.

You need to avoid making your daughter feel she has to loyal and choose sides. Surely your daughter shouldn’t see an issue that her aunt is making plans with her now that she’s an older teen and you’re separating with her dad so I wonder if you’re making this an issue rather than her noticing.

Why does your daughter’s relationship with her aunt need to involve you at this point? Are there actual logistical issues that impact you?

I would have a frank conversation with DD about your feelings for SIL and the relationship dynamic with a couple of brief and specific examples. Then go on to explain that DD is different and likely has a different relationship with her aunt and, if that is so, you are thrilled. But you do want DD to be aware of your situation-as she is now able to understand complex relationships better on her own. Then say if DD ever has any questions you will always be happy to help

speaking as someone who has trod this ground herself. I felt that my dc should know my point of view, and that it didnt mean that their experience was going to be the same.

Luckily it meant they were able to see when their aunt tried her tricks on them and they were able to side step and now have a relationship with her that is based on reality and not a imagined Pollyanna family dynamic with them feeling powerless in the face of their more senior aunt.

I don't understand how someone abroad has so much power and I say that as someone who married and moved abroad. Usually, you feel a bit left out and an after thought.

Like a poster above, I fail to see why you have given her so much headspace when she has lived so far away. You may never know how why she seems distant. As you are separating, perhaps you can ask her out of curiosity.

As your daughter is 16 and has noticed an atmosphere, you can tell her that the two of you never really 'gelled' and are not friends. Tell your daughter that you respect her Aunty but you won't be joining them if she want to meet up or go to family events. Steer her towards Daddy for lifts and drop offs. Now file the SIL under done and dusted and stop thinking about her. When your Daughter talks about meeting with her say 'That's nice'

There's nothing to "handle".

She's different with your daughter, your daughter likes her. Let it go or you will come across as a controlling loon.

Do not ask about it, do not discuss the relationship, do not involve yourself in it, if it comes up naturally in conversation with your daughter just smile and be happy for her. The SIL is probably enjoying winding you up, but maybe she actually likes/loves your kid.

Stop worrying about the SIL, provided she's not giving your daughter toxic advice or trying to cause her harm, it's just not a problem of any kind.

Why are you so focused on her, she doesn't like you not everyone has too just move on

Your dh did not need to get involved between you and her as you could have just left her to it and your daughters relationships are her business

I think this is another case of living in your head to much and trying to force the world around you to fit what you have decided, you don't have that much power so just get on with it

Your DD is now reaching an age where over time the vast majority of her relationships will have no connection with you whatsoever. Just see this as the first step in that.

Op, your dd will form many friendships over the coming years and there will be some you don't like, but it isn't your place to choose her friends.

Your sil lives abroad so contact will be limited. I'm not sure I see an issue. I imagine your dd will visit, with her dad or by herself. Just let her get on with it.

This is mostly my strategy.
I am 30 years into our relationship. They do eventually overplay their hand. It was quite a revelation to DH when she did but we almost divorced at his failure to react, putting my feelings first.
It took a long time to realise DH's family were quite damaged under their polite facade. Now the kids are older teens, I point out how the examples of poor communication, selfishness, negativity and use them as teaching moments to make our family dynamic better in the long run. You can do this with a 16 year old.
I also praise good dynamics else where.

Goodluck.

You and sil aren’t close , that’s fine not all in laws are. You just needed to be polite and courteous in her company, it doesn’t sound like she has done any thing to you other than not be friends and that’s she has made an effort with her niece. Obviously there could be more going on behind the scenes.

now you are splitting nothing needs to happen. You no longer need to be involved with ex’s family , he can facilitate your dds relationships on that side. Or as a nearing adult she can do it herself.

This seems to be more common than you realise. If I’d known the impact my SIL’s manipulative ways would have had on my life, I’d possibly not have been as happy marrying my DH.

The thing about toxic people is it’s all about control. Do not think for a second that this is just an innocent side effect of her not really liking you, she will probably feel victorious you are getting out of the way. My SIL would love it if I spontaneously combusted.

The relationship with you daughter is a continuation of a desire to have one over on you. I completely understand the posters here being baffled by you caring, but if you have suffered from many years of being made to feel less than, and that you are the problem for complaining, it cuts very very deep.

I would be honest with your daughter, maybe wait a year or two but tell her that your relationship is poor because she has not been nice to you, and has always made a point of excluding you. Then tell her she can do as she pleases but you’d rather the feelings didn’t continue so can she let you know if the aunt wants to make plans with just her. Because if I know the type, she will want to now pretend you do not and maybe never existed. And she should not be using your child to make you feel bad.

She’ll talk to my daughter about family plans, assuming (wrongly) that my husband keeps me in the loop. He doesn’t. I’m always feeling sidelined and excluded.

You have a DH problem that you transferred to SIL. It’s not SIL’s job to keep you in the loop, she rightly assumed your DH would do that.

Your dd has a right to a bond and relationship with her aunt. Her dad’s family will no longer be your family.

I know it must have hurt but in law relationships aren’t always strong. Nor are siblings relationships. I don’t really get along with one of my sisters but I’m polite/inclusive because I love her adult daughters.

I find it odd when members of dh's family want to form closer bonds with dd but leave me out of the picture. Dh has an aunt who does this. I think I'm with you in that I'd find it a bit strange if one of my SIL did this. Hurtful in a way. I guess you can just leave it now. She may try to contact your dd but it's unlikely to be often given she's abroad. I know my teens were rubbish at responding to people on the whole. I'd focus on building your new life and making new connections with people who appreciate you. Leave it in the past.

It very much sounds like you've spent 20 years failing to use your big girl voice to say what you want, and blaming others for not getting it. You're divorcing now though, so you won't see SIL again except perhaps at DD wedding. While you can just forget about it all now, it's worth taking a mental note for the future that when you want people to behave in a certain way, it's up to you to tell them what your needs are.

But then the op would also be using the daughter i would leave it up to your daughter to decide for herself

The daughter is not joined to the op she is a separate person who has every right to form her own relationships and not be made to take sides by the op only telling her side of the story, it is no different

This, I really can't see what the sil has done wrong, other than as pp has said of not engaging with the 'wife work' task of being family diary liaison coordinator and being nice to her neice?

Now you're separating I don't think this needs to be an issue any more. You don't have to communicate with SIL at all in future, or feel left out when she doesn't communicate with you. Just leave DH and DD to have their own relationship with her. Don't feel hurt about DD liking her - it's common within families for different people to have their own opinions about other members of the family.

Embrace it OP! One of the best things about separating from DH should be that you don't have to give this another minute's thought.