Was I wrong to mention something?

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My son has a friend, nearly 7, who comes home with us after school 2/3 times a week and stays until around 6. He’s a lovely kid and gets on brilliantly with my son, never any dramas.

I’ve noticed that he often smells strongly of poo, to the point that it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. He has also (only once) left a sort of watery brown mark on the sofa (sorry for the tmi!). I haven’t said anything to him as I would never want to embarrass him.

It reminded me of my friend whose daughter has chronic constipation. They have a toilet hygiene/laxative routine. Made me wonder if something similar might be going on and if I should be aware as I have him so often.

Last week I (very sensitively!) asked my friend if he ever has accidents and if there’s anything she’d like me to do when he’s at ours. I really tried to approach it in a relaxed way but she completely denied anything and seemed really quite annoyed. I understand this as it's likely other people have raised i.

I’m now questioning if I was wrong to mention it? The thing is while I have every sympathy for whatever might be going on, it is hard having that persistent smell in the house. It makes me feel quite unwell and I’d rather help him clean up than just leave it. He never has spare clothes though and I can't really lend clothes that often. I can't imagine it's very comfortable or nice for him either! Equally, I don't want to overstep.

WIBU to raise it? Would you just clean him up?

YANBU to raise it.

A 'one off' / child round to play is very different from you for up to 3 hours 2 or 3x a week.

I think you need to be more direct and ask her outright.

Why are you having him round so often? Sorry but I wouldn’t be having a kid at my house if he stank of poo!! He obviously has issues and your friend is embarrassed but she’s not a good friend if she just expects you to put up with this.

Its because of her working hours. She's moving into a new role in a few weeks when her colleague goes on maternity leave, so I'm helping her out until then. She did a similar favour for me once. It's no problem, does me a favour as my son and sn only child loves it! It's just the poo smell that I struggle with. Feel sorry for him and feel like I'd just be isolating him from playdates if I said he couldn't come anymore without trying to help first.

Sorry but the way I see it is her child is neglected. Like if you have noticed he smells, I find it really unbelievable that his class haven't, and they won't be so nice about it. At 7 he should be fully continent and wipe properly. If he isn't then either simply no-one has taught to care for himself properly which is neglect, or he has either a disability which makes him struggle to wipe properly or a medical condition which makes him leak. If he has one of these, then he needs to have a adult helping him to do clean up and or wear incontinence pads that are changed regularly. Failure to do this, and make sure other adults who are caring for him help him too is also neglect. Honestly, while I know you aren't like a childminder officially, I kind of think you have a duty of care to talk to his mum about it, or at least let school know what is happening. I'd be surprised if the kid's isn't sore too if he's regularly pooing himself/not wiping properly. Again letting him get sore is medical neglect.

I used to be a secondary school middle manager. I had to raise this as an issue re an adolescent boy. (The smell was atrocious.) I suggested that the problem might be faecal impaction.

The parents - I'm told - reacted angrily. (The Year Head had to address the matter.) They informed the school that the boy was responsible for washing his own clothes and that was that.

A year later, there was still a problem. This time, the parents agreed that a school nurse could speak to the lad. Turned out that I was right: the problem was indeed faecal impaction [ETA causing spurious diarrhoea]. It was cleared up quite quickly after that.

I'll definitely be happy to mention to the school, though I'm certain they must already be aware as it smells really quite bad. He never comes home with a bag of dirty clothes.

And he may well have incontinence pants on, I've never checked!

Please see my post above.

The lad that I mentioned was so bad that he was leaving a smell behind on the plastic school chairs.

A couple of times, the janitor refused to disinfect them and threw them out.

Ugh, poor kid.

He actually got his first girlfriend after the problem was solved.

It was a clear case of parental neglect in my view. They had to know - it took me all my time not to gag when he was in my classroom.

Obviously I have no idea, but I slightly wonder whether he and his mum both know he needs help with this for some reason, but are embarrassed to ask you because you are a friend doing a favour?? Like schools expect to sometimes have to help children with health conditions, but maybe mum thinks if she said to you that he needs to be reminded to go or helped to wipe/change you'd refused to have him anymore because it would be too much, so they are just hoping you won't notice!

Possibly. It really wouldn't be too much though. I've worked in care, wiping a bit of poo is no bother!

I think that when she picks him up I would mention quietly that you think he may have pooed himself

YANBU to raise it at all. Better that it’s you raising it than the other kids at school (which they will do, in due course).

Yes my son and niece have both noticed but neither would say anything to him thankfully.