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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Plan to leave emotionally abusive DP

12 replies

Theplantakeone · 03/05/2025 22:01

I am making a plan to leave my emotionally, verbally, financially and coercively controlling DP. He has smashed things up around the house, punched walls, called me and our children awful names (swear words and dehumanising names), emotionally manipulates my children, controls us all, has issues with alcohol, has awful anger outbursts and says he feels angry all the time. This is just a small picture of what our world is like but we are walking on eggshells and it is starting to effect my children's emotionally wellbeing.

I spoke to the national domestic abuse line and they said the best plan is to leave our home (we both own it) as it is hard to enforce an occupation order. They said to either go to a refuge but the kids would have to change school. Or claim homelessness through the council as I'll be fleeing due to domestic abuse. Does anyone have any advice on this? Also the advice was just to leave and not talk to him and explain things?

I have a good support system around me - support group, school, friends, family, therapist, solicitor, mortgage advisor etc. The kids have been safeguarded again on Friday.

OP posts:
SarcasticIntrovert · 03/05/2025 22:04

Someone else will be along with practical and knowledgeable advice, but I wanted to wish you the best of luck. It sounds like you have been through a hellish experience and it's incredibly brave and strong of you to be taking this step, which I've no doubt will be an incredibly positive one.

Monty88 · 03/05/2025 22:05

You are a very strong person. I wish I had your strength

Original poster
Theplantakeone · 03/05/2025 22:30

SarcasticIntrovert · 03/05/2025 22:04

Someone else will be along with practical and knowledgeable advice, but I wanted to wish you the best of luck. It sounds like you have been through a hellish experience and it's incredibly brave and strong of you to be taking this step, which I've no doubt will be an incredibly positive one.

Thank you. I don't feel too strong but I can't have this cycle repeating and I'm the one that's got to break it for my kids sake.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theplantakeone · 03/05/2025 22:31

Monty88 · 03/05/2025 22:05

You are a very strong person. I wish I had your strength

Thank you. I don't feel very strong but I really need to get us out of here but want to make sure I have the most water right best plan ever. And you sound like you need to do something similar? There is lots of help out there. National DV line was really helpful pointing me in the right direction. It's just the options that I'm having trouble choosing between.

OP posts:
Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 03/05/2025 22:36

Theplantakeone · 03/05/2025 22:30

Thank you. I don't feel too strong but I can't have this cycle repeating and I'm the one that's got to break it for my kids sake.

Show quote history

I grew up in a DV household and I saw,heard,and experienced violence against me as a child.Its taken over 50 years to reconcile with what happened.
So well done for wanting to get yourself and your children out of that environment.
Unfortunately when my mum was going through this there wasn't much help available.

Original poster
Theplantakeone · 03/05/2025 22:41

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 03/05/2025 22:36

I grew up in a DV household and I saw,heard,and experienced violence against me as a child.Its taken over 50 years to reconcile with what happened.
So well done for wanting to get yourself and your children out of that environment.
Unfortunately when my mum was going through this there wasn't much help available.

Show quote history

I'm so sorry to hear this but I'm glad to hear you have reconciled with it. I've been told my children are young enough for me to try and claw it back for them. They are suffering with signs of trauma and anxiety at the moment. I think it's become recognised as being so much more damaging recently. With coercive control now being an offence in the eyes of the law.

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 03/05/2025 22:48

Good luck. They are very likely right to say leave and don't talk to him as the really dangerous period is right before you go. So I would take that advice. Was the school change to keep your new location secret?

Original poster
Theplantakeone · 03/05/2025 23:15

PullTheBricksDown · 03/05/2025 22:48

Good luck. They are very likely right to say leave and don't talk to him as the really dangerous period is right before you go. So I would take that advice. Was the school change to keep your new location secret?

Thank you. People keep saying this and it makes me really nervous. Yes if you go to a refuge they are really strict with outside contact and them not finding you.

OP posts:
Princesssuperstar · 03/05/2025 23:30

I escaped DV in 2021..... I chose the refuge and I'm so glad I did as the support was amazing.
Nights I couldn't sleep (PTSD) a worker always came and sat with me and we just had a cuppa and I talked about my feelings. They also fast track any therapy needed too so the kids will soon adjust
You get a PO box address so maybe pass onto the teacher and ask kids friends to write letters to pass onto they can still have some kind of contact (check with refuge first)

MiloMinderbinder925 · 03/05/2025 23:31

Theplantakeone · 03/05/2025 23:15

Thank you. People keep saying this and it makes me really nervous. Yes if you go to a refuge they are really strict with outside contact and them not finding you.

Show quote history

If I were you I would go to a refuge because that will give you breathing space to sort yourself out.

Jesswebster01 · 04/05/2025 06:42

Just think in a few years how free you will feel you may have to go through the crap at first by not having anywhere to live and getting back what's yours but will be worth it for a happy family life without him in the future

Toomanydogwalks · 04/05/2025 07:17

Don’t tell him you’re leaving, it could make the situation worse. Get organised and then go.
If it’s safe to do so and you have time, get all your paperwork, passports, proof of your address, bank statements etc, proof of his income if you can. If they don’t know your partner, check with your solicitor and mortgage advisor what other documents you’ll need to get set up independently. Give these documents to a friend to store safely.

It'll most likely be a bumpy road but most definitely worth leaving. Women’s aid are absolutely brilliant - contact them if you haven’t already.

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