Someone tell me how to put my child first with my ex? I need some harsh words I think

[Happppynot]

My ex is a nice man in many ways and is certainly lovely with my son (3).

He has however been awful to me. Lied about lots of things, twisted things, made me very unhappy and stressed and sad.

We have recently broken up and I am overwhelmed with how much I despise him, mostly for having destroyed the chance for us to be a family. I feel humiliated and sad.

He wants to see ds tomorrow and I really want to cancel. There’s no court orders or anything in place and he isn’t the sort of person to go down that route I don’t think. But someone please tell me to stop being such a dick. I am in tears and finding it all so awful. I actually wish he was dead so that I didn’t have to deal with this which is awful I know.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

You have to always remember it's not your child's fault. If your ex is good with him and you're happy he's safe, you have no reason to cancel.

Don't use your child as a weapon to get to him. Hold your head up high, the best form of revenge is to have a good life.

You need to compartmentalize your son's relationship with his good father and your own relationship with a poor partner.

In time it will get better.

Do handovers at a neutral place, the park, a soft play centre. Agree a time for handback, kiss your boy, tell him you will see him in 2hrs/3sleeps etc, and walk away. Use the time apart to treat yourself kindly.

You do need to get an agreement in writing.

Please don't do that. He only gets one dad.

I grew up without a dad and it caused me huge issues as a child and an adult. Don't put your DS through that out of spite. Please.

Its really hard. I remember having to try and feign interest the first time the kids went for a 'sleepover' at the OWs house whilst actually wanting to scratch her eyes out and never allow them to see her.

But, you need to bite your tongue and let him go. It's his dad and he needs a relationship with him.

You have to put your child's needs above your own feelings. Your 3 year old doesn't understand your relationship issues, he just wonders where Daddy's gone. It's important for your child to have a good relationship with his father.

Sounds like you are still in shock mode at the end of the relationship but if he is good with your son don't go down the route of blocking access out of spite as things will only get more difficult for you in many ways. Wish your son a happy day out with Dad and go meet up with a friend or spoil yourself for the day. Choose positive vibes over negative vibes and all that.

Don't weaponise your child

Just try to remember although 3yo, your son will pick up on any negative feelings between the 2 of you, and wouldn't understand if he didn't see his dad, he needs him too, especially if he's a good dad. Is there someone who can step in as a middle man between the 2 of you so you don't have to see each other?

You need to pull yourself together and put your child first you chose to have a child with this person so your child needs to get to know them, it is not about you but your child so think about them is all I can advise

The way to deal with this is to think that if you did that, you would be intentionally and knowingly hurting your own child. It would make you selfish and a bad mother.

Your son needs his daddy, he needs two parents in his life to carry the load, he needs two parents, in case you are ill or injured or worse.

I regard my ex as an utterly selfish knob and I would cheerfully block his number and go NC right now but my DS loves him and I can't cause DS that much pain. I have put up with 16 years of ex being spineless, lazy, selfish, a useless father, and I will grit my teeth for another 20 months, and then I will finally be rid of him.

It can be done. I find kickboxing helps 😁

I am really sorry that you are going through a nasty split. Look after yourself and reach out for support from your friends and families .

As others have said, you need to do everything you can to help your son maintain his relationship with his father . All the studies have shown that it is much better for the child going forward if they have a good relationship with both parents, in the majority of cases .
It is difficult , but you have to continue to put your child’s needs above your own for this . You can try as already stated , to do things to minimise your contact with your ex ie get a relative / friend to be the go between .

Even though your son is still very young, he will pick up on any animosity between you . So you are doing this for your son and his emotional well-being .

You can use the time your DC is with your ex , to make appointments / catch up on housework / chores and just generally get a break and some “ me time “. This will also help you gain some strength to continue to be the good mother that you are .

I think for those of us that have gone through a difficult split it is understandable to not want to see ex / have them in our life . Realistically for those of us with dependent children , that is not possible .

Also remember that for relationships break ups , you will go through various stages of grief and currently you are probably in the shock / anger phase . None of us got together with our exs and had children with them with the thought that we would break up . Relationship breakdowns happen to other people - not us …

You are no longer in this relationship for various very good reasons . Do not feel guilty about this - that you couldn’t give your child the happy ever after of two parents together. This was not on you and do not waste any emotional energy on this .

In time when things are less raw you will hopefully get to the stage when you can feel indifference towards your ex and can move on from the split .