Do you think men can change in different circumstances?

[squashedtoms]

When I met Dh over 10 years ago he had no contact with his family, he said he was the one that stopped seeing them because he was the black sheep and his family were toxic and I believed him, I had no reason not to.

We have now been happy for over 10 years have a 3 year old and got married a year ago.
Dh has had recent contact with his mum and a sister since he lost his dad earlier this year but his mum and sister have said the reason they don’t have contact with him is because he is a violent thug who used to hit them both so he was kicked out to protect his sister and they don’t want him in their lives.
I was shocked and expected Dh to say it wasn’t true and that they were toxic and lying which if he had I would’ve believed him with what he’s told me about them but instead he just said it’s all in the past and he’s changed and regrets it and doesn’t know why he did it.

I’m shocked, he’s lied but more shocked that this doesn’t sound like the man I’ve spent the last decade with and is my child’s father.
I don’t know what to make of it all.
Would it be stupid to assume he’s changed and carry on?

What's your relationship like?

Really good, he’s never shown any signs of violence and is kind, respectful and loving and a great father.

No silent treatment? Controlling behaviour? Name calling?

How shocking and awful for you. I’m really sorry.

No he’s quiet and placid, never had a temper since I’ve known him and has lots of friends.

Well seems as though the post isn’t really needed as from all you’ve said yes men can change! It’s particularly promising that he could have lied again and said his family were telling lies but he didn’t. Also good is that he didn’t try to defend his actions he’s has said he regrets it. That would be good enough for me especially as you seem to have experienced nothing but green flags. I’d just let it lie now as whatever he did to change it worked.

I find that very strange. Was his dad abusive?

How old was he when he was kicked out? DH had changed massively in the last 10 years, but it took a LOT of counselling, self awareness and work on himself.

In relationships I think that sometimes two people can bring out the worst in each other. I know that when I was with ex-P I found his behaviour so frustrating that by the end it made me behave badly too, I struggled to regulate my emotions and it had a negative impact on my life. Similarly DP of 10+ years went to anger therapy with his ex-W, I can’t imagine that from the man I know.

So, whilst absolutely not minimising violence, I do wonder if there was something else going on the family dynamics at the time that brought out the very worst in him which is the opposite of your relationship with him.

How old was he then?

Has he admitted to hitting them?

I agree that two people can 'make' each other behave in a way that they wouldn't with another.

I have a friend who is, for reasons related to her childhood, a total people pleaser. Although initially he was lovely her husband ended up pushing her around and dictating every aspect of their lives. But I do think this was partly frustration with never knowing what she felt or wanted and them both struggling to maintain an equal relationship. They split up and he tried it once on his new partner and got told in no uncertain terms that wasn't on and they've now been happily married for 10 years.

I do also think people can learn and grown.

The caveat to all this is be aware of what you have been told and if there is a hint of a repetition of his behaviour get yourself out of there.

A person can change if they want to. But an outsider can never force them to change. Hence the advice to leave a violent man rather than try to change him. Because if he doesn’t want change, it won’t happen.

sounds like your DH did want to change. You could gently ask him more about how he did it.

It’s possible that his parents used parenting methods and family dynamics that were counter productive. So the situation escalated and spiralled out of control. As the child in the relationship, he may have struggled to escape the dynamic.

The shock of having to start from scratch may have been what he needed to work out a healthier dynamic himself.

I’d suggest he needs to be careful not to get drawn back into it.

Perhaps he only hits women who don't phone the police on him. Or he's lying about past drug use etc. It's very doubtful that a man who'd hit his Mother and Sister isn't getting control kicks from somewhere. Complete change would be exceptionally rare without therapy. Is he in the police/security etc?

I think people can change if they want but also circumstances can force people to act in certain ways.

was he a teen when he left? He obviously seems to be doing a lot better without his mum and sister in his life.

Maybe both things are true. Maybe they were very toxic, and treated him as a black sheep, and in the dysfunctional dynamic he became violent, which is obviously not okay but how old was he? If he was just a teen and grew up in a toxic environment that might explain how he became that way? If you've known him a decade I'd say he could well have changed.

If you've never witnessed any of this behaviour I'd say it proves people can change.

How old was he when this happened? What was his childhood like and were there any other factors at play (poor mental health, addiction issues etc?).

It was through his teenage years and no his dad wasn’t abusive as far as I know, I get the impression his mum was the authoritative one as his dad the people pleaser.