The boss and I

[Zinini]

I work for a small owner managed business. He is ND.

A few months ago, I was angry about something the owner said and told him I was leaving. He drank a bit too much, called me then said he felt like a girlfriend was breaking up with him.

This incident brought us closer, I thought.

We spend time together inside and outside of work in a close working relationship and a budding friendship.

A couple of weeks ago, he suggested we worked at his place for the afternoon. There was nothing unusual about this and the afternoon itself was uneventful. He then suggested that we went out for a drink at the pub which we did.

He said to me, do you think you are wasting your time working with me? I replied that I wanted to work there as I was learning a lot and that I was happy to stay for now.

This is where it got weird.

He said to me that when I leave, he would not keep in touch with me, that we were not friends and that they only reason we spent any time together was because I was always “in his face”. This hurt me. It made me feel so unwanted - like I was pursuing him.

I kept it strictly professional since. Then a few days later, he says to me. “You know me so well, better than anyone.” He also asked questions about my dates a couple of times.

I am not sure where I stand or what games he is playing. Does anyone have an idea?

Look to leave. He doesnt have appropriate boundaries and it will not end in your favour.

There seems to be no boundaries around your work and home life. Why are you going for drinks and feeling hurt at his comments? Just leave. This is all messed up.

It seems like you are both playing games to be honest. Very odd

He sounds really weird and it sounds like a toxic situation. I’d be looking for employment elsewhere.

You really have no boundaries in place for acceptable behaviour in the workplace. "budding friendship", "brought us closer" - those are not phrases suitable for a work acquaintance.

Leave, go somewhere else.

I don’t know. Are people not friends with people from work anymore? But yes, it has got weird.

He was probably angling for you to say you’d never ever want to leave. The way you said you were learning so we’re happy to stay may have sounded to him that you didn’t value him as a friend but are only there bc it’s providing the tools to advance and get a better/different job in the future.

I’m not saying this is reasonable or acceptable, but he may have said the stuff about not staying in contact and only socialising with you bc it was you driving it etc. bc he was hurt and trying to save face by projecting it onto you so you didn’t realise how much he liked you and he was trying to downplay his feelings and basically deflect

You both sound a bit childish and unprofessional. I’d look for another job and just keep it professional until you leave

I'm not sure what you want? Do you want a job or relationship with him? It's not clear from your post as you say you want to stay there as your learning a lot but are hurt that he said you wouldn't remain in touch if you left. Maybe he thinks you're playing games too.

Depends how naive you are I guess. Being friends with someone you work with and having someone you work with comparing you with a girlfriend and having no boundaries are not the same thing.

This does not seem like a healthy workplace relationship OR friendship.

What do you actually want out of this? To continue to work there as you are "learning a lot"? A friendship? A potential relationship?

If it is the career learning then you need to establish some boundaries - trying to become "closer" as friends is damaging your work relationship with the argument and the "hurtful" comments after the pub.

If you want a relationship with this man, ask yourself why. Is it actually him or is it proximity? Getting involved with your "boss" in a small owner-managed business is not a good idea. If something goes wrong in the relationship, then it's bad for your job and if you have other colleagues it is just horrible too. If you do want to pursue a relationship with him then find another job.

If it is a friendship you want then again ask yourself why him - he is struggling to be your friend and boss - it is a difficult tightrope to walk even without ND in the mix. I would ditch that idea and aim for friendly colleagues who don't need to try and socialise outside of work.

Work on your boundaries and leave this inappropriate situation as soon as possible. His initial comment about a 'girlfriend leaving' should have made you pull back not get in closer. It's a weird and inappropriate thing for him to say.

A few months ago, I was angry about something the owner said and told him I was leaving. He drank a bit too much, called me then said he felt like a girlfriend was breaking up with him.
This incident brought us closer, I thought.

Do you want him as a boyfriend, friend or boss, OP? Because these three things aren’t compatible, and whatever about his neurodivergence, your boundaries are all over the place, and you seem to have no agency.

This is very unhealthy imo and goes beyond the boundaries of a work friendship. A friendship with a boss is always going to be a minefield, but with his unpredictability in the mix your job could be in danger. Agree with pps who said look for another job - this is too messed up. If you then wanted to continue a friendship you could do so, although he sounds like he’d be a headfuck of a friend tbh.

OK, I get it. I think it’s the proximity to be honest. There is nothing in him that I would want in a boyfriend. I do find him interesting to be a friend but he has behaved like a little shit. I will be looking for another job.