Expectations of husband

[Bbjj00]

Would appreciate some opinions. I have a toddler and a newborn. I'm struggling a lot leaving the house alone with them both while my DH is working. I get really anxious just thinking about going out with them alone. Before going out, it takes me ages to get them both ready, pack food for the toddler, milk for the newborn, my pumping equipment, spare clothes etc, then get myself ready. When going out as a family, DH and DSS don't help me at all unless I specifically ask them to do something. They're happy watching me run around before we go out, then again when we're back. I find it very difficult and as a result rarely go out with them anymore. It's just so much easier to be at home with the babies.

Today my DSS suggested an outing. I was in favour because I'm feeling a little down having stayed at home for days on end. I made breakfast (alone), fed and changed the baby, prepared the toddler's lunch and dinner. Then I listed to DH and DSS the things that needed to be done before we left just as I started pumping. My DH remained on his phone and my DSS on the PlayStation. I then them told them both that we couldn't go out since there was so much to do and I was feeling exhausted and anxious about it all. This happens every Saturday. I've tried communicating my needs to my DH but he's blaming me for not being able to manage the household better.

Just feeling super down about everything. Would be grateful for any responses.

How old is your DSS? Your husband sounds very mean to ignore you asking for help. Bordering on abusive IMO.

Does he ignore your needs at other times too?

Re: going out when he's at work, do you think you might have anxiety about this?

Your husband sounds like an absolute pain in the arse. DSS is presumably just following his father's lead by being useless and glued to a device. DSS also has the mild excuse of not being an adult, while your DH has no good reason to be behaving like a fecking teenager

Next Saturday go out alone/with friends/family. Cinema, a walk, shopping, whatever. DH will cope.

My DW is like this. I can be trying to breastfeed screaming baby while dressing a toddler while packing bags while attempting to put real clothes on us all and she just sits on her phoen !!!! I have to tell her step by step what to do 🙄 when I've borached the subject with her before she just says her brain doesn't work that way, she can't look at a situation and see what needs doing. I call bullshit, but I said fine, I'll supervise, so while feeding I dish out a list of stuff for her to do and she has to do it. But if I don't tell her, it doesn't get sorted. Worst trait of hers I hate it. Your DH needs a kick up the ass

I think you’re finding out why the mother of his first child got rid; she probably finds parenting your DSS a lot easier without your DH around.

DSS is 13.

I think half the issue is my anxiety.

I can relate to this so much. I just keep getting asked to tell them what I need.

I was thinking the same thing.

It's the worst. For me it's common sense, or learned experience or something, I don't know. You have kids, you know they need food, water, nappies etc. Honestly it's just bone idle laziness. My DW knows I will always do it so she doesn't have to think for anyone but herself.

I'm in the same situation, 2YO and 5 week old baby! I've only took them out solo twice because it's just so much, the toddler has a tantrum, the baby needs feeding at all the wrong times. Overwhelming sometimes. I'm just hoping as the baby gets older it gets easier? A girl can dream x

Half the issue isn’t your anxiety OP, the whole issue is your lazy husband.

Your DH is lazy and he needs to change. You can't expect anything from DSS really.
For times when your DH is at work, what helped me was always having the bag packed with spare clothes, nappies and wipes that I repacked in the evening if needed. Plan timings if you can to get out after a feed. Go for short trips such as walks in the local park rather than aiming for big long days out, this can reduce the need for packing for baby feeds. Just getting out for a 30 minute walk every morning and again in the afternoon really helped my wellbeing when I had a baby and a toddler. Start small and as baby gets older you can aim for longer days out.

Stop blaming yourself for one. If you say you can't go because you're exhausted and overwhelmed with all that's left to do then that's all they'll hear. That's not true. Your DH clearly isn't arsed so start matching his energy more. If you blame yourself then that's where he'll place the blame too.

You shouldn’t need to write out a list of things your husband has to do to help you. He should figure it out in his own or be asking you if he can’t figure it out. But sometimes men respond better if they’ve got a checklist in front of them and all the guesswork is gone. Do you think it might be worth trying to write one and tell him, “I’m open to going out, but this is what I need from you”?

Aniexty isn’t the issue and you probably wouldn’t have it if the two men of the house acted like men not spoils selfish brats

I don’t suppose now is quite the time to think of kicking them out - but keep in mind that having 2 less to care for will be easier

Why can’t he “manage the household better” I’d be fuming I think you need to find some inner strength OP. He needs to be stepping up and if DSS wants to go out so does he! “D”H sounds unfair and unreasonable.

This with bells on! Your husband is the problem, not you! I’m a SAHM to a four and one year old. This morning my husband got both the boys their breakfast, made lunches for the day for them and packed the changing bag. Played with them while I got ready and then took them out for the morning so I could go out for breakfast/shopping alone because he knew I’d had a hard week with them being ill/having jabs. I would not hesitate to leave my children alone with my husband for a week without a single instruction. He is their parent, he is equally capable. So is your husband, he just doesn’t want to be.

My husbands definitely needs asked to do stuff, he doesn't think himself for the most part - very annoying. But he will do it. Awful situation for you, I know how it is been stuck in the house, going out with baby is the only thing that keeps me sane. I haven't mastered getting out on time just yet it's a struggle so can't even imagine having a toddler too. I hope husband helps you more. Could you try planning the day in advance and make sure he knows exactly what he needs to do before leaving? DSS too!

Just to add, I'm really not defending him I just know you probably aren't in a situation where you think, I'm going to leave. He needs a huge kick up the arse, just trying to make a suggestion on making life a little bit easier for you now x

Your DH (not DSS) needs to step up. I would put him in charge of 1 child, e.g. packing the bag for the toddler and getting them ready while you do the same for the baby. Also, that way if something is missing for "his" child of the day then it's his problem and he has to deal with it. Try to swap children often so that you can both do both. It makes it easier for you not to be the default parent/packer/organiser.

For me it helped to always have a bag mostly packed ready, so I just needed to chuck in water or whatever. A sling and a double buggy helped off. The more prepared I was to go out the easier it was to actually do it.

Unacceptable from your DH. My DH is probably better at getting the kids ready to go out than me. It's just a matter of taking equal responsibility for his own kids, not sitting there like a stranger. It's not a female skill or job. He needs a firm talking to.

I should imagine a large part of it is that you're essentially parenting solo.

You don’t have 2 kids you have 4. Of course you feel out of control. Tell your H and SS to pull their weight.

With all due respect, I don’t think DSS needs to pull his weight. He’s a 13 year old boy and not responsible for the 2 new children his father decided to have.

OPs husband on the other hand sounds utterly useless. Weaponised incompetence at its finest. Agree with a PP that they should take one child each to get ready. He gets toddler or newborn ready and is responsible for packing everything and dealing with the consequences of anything that is forgotten. I would also be leaving him alone with both children as often as possible so he realises how stressful it is.