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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Cheating husband - how likely is this?

7 replies

Ichbinberliner · 03/05/2025 13:15

My husband and I have recently separated. A few years before we separated, he admitted signing up to a website purely for people wanting to have an affair, meeting a woman on there and sleeping with her. He only told me as he thought I might find out anyway, it wasn't an attack of conscience on his part.

At the time our daughters were very young (one a baby) and as soon as he told me, I thought I can't cope on my own with 3 tiny children, so I pushed it out of my mind and carried on. Obviously I regret that now but I didn't have the headspace for dealing with it properly at the time.

I did a good job of not thinking about it or mentioning it. For a few years in the run up to separation, my husband worked away a lot, and probably only spent half the working week at home. He clearly checked out of the marriage some time ago but insists he was only unfaithful on this one occasion. How many of you think that's likely, and how many think pull the other one? I know no one can say, but I still don't think he's being honest with me. He has a new girlfriend and I think he's playing down the extent of his infidelity to appear more decent to her, and he doesn't want to tell me a different story. After a 20 year relationship it's just another kick in the teeth. I know I won't get a sensible answer from him, but am I unreasonable to think anyone who cheats in that sort of planned way is very unlikely to have not done so on other occasions?

OP posts:
TotemPolly · 03/05/2025 13:18

I don't think you will ever truly know .
It's hard , but try to put it out of your mind , you are separated now , he's not your problem .
Put the past where it deserves to go , in the bin .

Ichbinberliner · 03/05/2025 13:22

Thank you, I know you're right, just easier said than done.

OP posts:
FlowerUser · 03/05/2025 13:26

I'm so sorry he has done this to you. Right now you are probably going through everything in your head, trying to make sense of your marriage. This is natural. But don't obsess about it. He's gone. He's someone else's problem now.

It's time to focus on you and the children and navigating the next steps. You may not be thinking about any future relationships yet, but as someone whose exDH cheated on me three times, I can tell you that there are good men out there who don't cheat - because I'm now married to one.

Take care xx

thisismyusernamedontyouknow · 03/05/2025 13:27

You are probably right, but I don’t think you’ll ever know the truth and tbh does it really matter? You know he’s a piece of crap anyway

Ichbinberliner · 03/05/2025 13:37

Thank you for the kind words @FlowerUser and I'm glad it all worked out for you in the longer term. Thank you @thisismyusernamedontyouknow you're right, it doesn't really as he's clearly a piece of crap. It's just the need to make sense of it all but I don't think I ever will. I know I need to let it go.

OP posts:
Huhuhuhu39272 · 03/05/2025 15:59

It’s not the act itself, it’s the nature of the man. He has and always will be a cheat. No doubt he had form for lying from even a young child.

He has shown who he is (with clear intention by visiting a website for it)

To me it’s clear as day that he will have done this before to you, and is almost 100% doing it to his current partner

Huhuhuhu39272 · 03/05/2025 16:01

You have lost nothing and gained by him being someone else’s problem. Make sure you learn all about npd men to avoid them in the future.

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