Hello to all the moms out there! 🤗
I recently had a friendly discussion with someone, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic. (Just to be clear: this isn’t meant to attack anyone. I’m trying to be as respectful as possible, so there’s no need for insults or harsh replies.) 🤗
Did you manage to keep your friendships after becoming a parent?
I’ve been reading a lot of threads here on Mumsnet and Reddit where new parents, both moms and dads, talk about feeling isolated and lonely. But honestly, I’ve noticed that many of them seem to voluntarily distance themselves from their friends. Of course, having a child changes your perspective and eats up your time — that’s totally understandable. But often, it feels like new parents expect everyone else to adjust to them, while making very few adjustments themselves.
Suddenly, the childfree friend is expected to be the one who’s always flexible — visiting at nap time, hanging out at the park, eating meals early, or always meeting closer to the parents’ home.
But why is it considered unreasonable to expect new parents to make some small compromises too? Why the almost military-level strictness around routines and nap times? Surely, a child won’t suffer long-term effects from eating a little later or skipping 15 minutes of sleep once in a while. Why can’t one parent stay home while the other catches up with a friend? Why can’t a swim class be skipped just once so a parent can socialize?
I completely get that friendships aren’t always 50/50 — life ebbs and flows — but expecting someone to give 99% while you give 1% isn’t sustainable or fair.
And what about simple communication? Parenting is exhausting, yes, but is replying to a single message really too much to ask?
The advice often given to new parents is: “You need to meet other mom/dad friends.” But why not try to maintain the old ones too? Do we really want our friendships to be based solely on whether we all have kids? Isn’t it more enriching — and more genuine — to stay connected to people with whom we share years of memories, shared experiences, and meaningful conversations, even if they chose not to have children?
I also struggle with the idea that friendships are “for a season, for a reason, for a lifetime.” If we truly care about our friends — if they’ve been there through important parts of our lives — shouldn’t we make an effort to keep those connections alive for a lifetime? Why is it socially acceptable to let those bonds fade because of starting a family?
Some people say, “Real friends will still be there in 6 or 7 years.” But let’s be honest — expecting someone to wait around quietly, only to be welcomed back into your life when it's convenient, doesn’t feel like true friendship. "Low-maintenance friendships" too often seem to mean “low-effort friendships.” Real, lasting friendships require at least some level of stability and mutual care. Relationships aren’t like cars you can stop and start at will.
I think I speak for many people when I say it hurts when people I care about stop putting effort into our friendship. I try — again and again — but eventually, if the effort isn’t mutual, I let go. And I won’t put myself in a position to be hurt again by letting someone re-enter my life when they’ve already shown me I’m not important enough. Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me.
[CONCLUSION or TLDR]: Am I being unreasonable for thinking that friendship should remain a two-way street — even when someone becomes a new mom or dad? Shouldn’t maintaining meaningful relationships be relevant for everyone, not just a convenience when time allows?