Ex wants me to lie to our child

[Honestorlietothem]

Hello, be gentle, I need some advice here.

i became unwell some time ago and my son went to their dad and his mum for me to have respite following an operation. Significant dv backdrop, court was terrible but that’s within current judicial hearings due to the failures to protect our child and I etc, but that isn’t the current problem that I need help with,

I am fully recovered, therapy to the hilts and so on, no criminal record, no drug or alcohol, no mental health, I suffered a breakdown due to the DV which I have now got in both police and medical evidence. I have no idea how I’m still alive but I am. I initiated court proceedings myself for a CAO because no matter what, MIL wouldn’t progress contact. Dad doesn’t do any of the parenting or been present in any of the many meetings around this.

MIL stopped contact a week before Xmas and of course banned me from speaking to my son on Xmas day and lied to my child saying I was sick. I haven’t seen my child since but I know my child is desperate to see mummy.

The actual bottom line o have always believed would be the case, has finally come to light - MIL doesn’t want to be included in the story of why my child doesn’t live with me.

They want me to lie to my child and say that the judge by themselves off of their own volition made the choice and mil just had to step in. Legally that’s untrue. I was expecting and had support in place for my sons return.

They refused to do so & she made up false allegations to attempt to gain an EPO (was ‘stayed’) however I could only see my child supervised despite being no risk, for an insane amount of time, so much time nobody would believe it, think over a year and the sw powerless because of the new CAO superseding my prior one.

The supervision staff have been amazing and are supporting me with evidence etc alongside GP and specialist police.

But what do u do?MIL is clearly terrified, to have banned me from all indirect contact throughout, from several birthdays in a row; several Xmas in a row, same with Mother’s days and of course my birthday too.

Not flexible at sll, won’t allow anyone to support me; extremely controlling and manipulative, and basically if I just bent over and said yes to her demands such as acting like we are best friends in front of my son, telling my son that I’m not very well, that daddy is a much much better parent than mummy and he wont ever be coming home to mummy because he now lives with daddy from now on (ie MIL)

that is the reason, the reason that has always been the case but it’s meant I have had to allow the pattern to play out so to speak and exhaust ever every avenue there is to move things forward.

she wants me to lie. I don’t think that that is at all healthy or morally right to lie to my son who is now 8 years old. My son isn’t stupid, and he has continuously asked why and when am I going back to mummy over and over and over and I wonder what kind of discussion has even been had with him? If it were me; and I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing as a MIL, I would own it and say that sometimes grown ups make choices that children don’t like, I hear you, (validate) and this is a grown up choice that makes you sad, etc’ and if just suck it up. I feel that lying to my child is not healthy, it’s self serving for MIL (who is only so invested because dad is useless)

im trying to find a child therapist to ask what I should do, but what I have researched agrees with telling the truth in context of the child’s age and not to lie to them.

I don’t want to lie to my son, but equally, if I don’t and something goes wrong with court, then I won’t see my son if it’s left in the hands of mil and ex.

what would you do?

I'm so sorry, what you have been through is horrific.

You should not lie and the judge/Cafcass/social workers would not want you to do that.

But equally, from your son's point of view, he'll have an attachment to MIL and it won't necessarily do him any good to hear dreadful things about her.

Try to trust the court process, show them you are willing to move on, are not bearing a grudge (however much MIL deserves a punch to the head) and focus on what's best for your son in the future.

You do what is best for your child, how is rubbishing the MIL going to help him?

Don't lie to your son.

If she didn't want to be rubbished, she shouldn't have acted rubbish

But lying to protect her is also not appropriate. There are ways of communicating where you do not lie but you minimise how much you tell the child. The conversation is fluid. It changes as the child gets older. But it must always be truthful

I am fully recovered, therapy to the hilts and so on, no criminal record, no drug or alcohol, no mental health,
So the hospital was only for a purely physical issue? No drugs/alcohol/mh issues requiring section or anything ever?
How long were you in hospital for?

That's horrendous that this has occurred, how on earth have you ended up requiring supervised contact? How old is dc? Surely evidence from nursery/school would have been in support of you?

I don't think you should have unsupervised contact with your ex nor exMIL, it is not helpful for you to hear instructions from them. Can you have all comms sent via a solicitor? Or at least via a messaging app only so that you have a trail of things being said.

Once that happens, you don't need to consider their opinions. Tell DS you love him, reassure him that you are better now, and tell him you have asked court for more time with him. No need to mention ex nor exMIL at all, neither criticising nor praising. Focus just on DS; how is he, what has he been up to etc.

I would be completely honest with him. Otherwise he will believe MIL's lies about you and could drive a wedge in your relationship with him. Do you have evidence that you tried to contact him and was banned by MIL? Texts etc? I wouldn't protect someone who tried to alienate my child against me.

If MIL doesn't want to be the bad guy she shouldn't have been the bad guy.

I wouldn't lie.

Had a horrible time of it with ex-h and his devil of a mother against me and trying to get custody of DC.

DV support, SW and police all told me to be honest with DC. But i didn't know how to, without hurting DC.

Then a friend mentioned that DC would have overhesrd things, seen things and would have reached their own understanding about things.
By lying, if it differs from what they have concluded, i am indirectly teaching them not to trust their own judgement about when things are not right. And it is that ability to trust our own judgement that keeps us safe, that helps us manoeuvre life.

I wouldn't lie.

This is it. My child knows nothing if making sense, knows in not unwell, can’t understand why they can’t see me more or come home and I haven’t I really haven’t said anything negative about them to my child at all. I was so broken by the abuse that I got completely violated and demolished in the family court so much so that the order allowed contact at their discretion. The SS had no control over contact after this, so we all had to capitulate to remaining supervised for about 90 weeks without any reason, eventually the centre refused to host any further seasons it was taking time and space from parents who need it. I’m going back to court to fight for access at the very least, but because of the way they set me up back then I feel I’m going to be facing the same conclusions made about me that aren’t true, that u gave evidence galore to prove so, but it’s s delicate act of not re/litigating but yet needing to right the narrative whilst maintaining a future focus. I had concerns about my child, I raised them with my child’s counsellor and they then brought it to their attention and in that basis contact was stopped days before Christmas. Every solutions is refused. I feel like, well I know for sure; that if I promised to lie and say that the decision was made by the judge and not mil and ex that I might have had a better chance. But the truth is, irrespective of their absolute goal of having children in their care and not mine; that they had the full discretion for contact since, so how can they expect me to explain why they haven’t allowed us to have normal contact on any level ever since? Do I just keep my mouth shut and go along with it or do I push for the truth to be relayed using therapeutic professional life story work? Because that’s the bottom line. They don’t want the truth to come out and contact with me risks that happening and the backlash from the children to them is a risk they cannot contemplate so alienation and obstruction is ongoing in order to separate the bond entirely and keep us apart for as long as possible so that when the truth eventually does come out when they’re adults, the damage is too far gone to make any difference in terms of them wanting to come home. I don’t know what to do. They know that if they knew the truth they’d be rebelling snd voting with their feet. They know too, that if they had free will they’d be home. You can’t just destroy a bond between a mother and a child, not with ease. What would you do?

What’s made it harder for me I suppose, is my boundary is exactly that - NC with mil and ex other than court approved parenting app. I didn’t even allow them to come to my front door when I was briefly seeing my children at my house. I had a ru ng ring door bell and or someone nearby to keep me safe. They want me to put on a performance at the front door and even invite them in for a few moments to see child’s bedroom for example, jolly hello and what not and I have steadfastly refused. First Xmas apart I could do a zoom but on condition I did so unsupported and alone. My dad (child’s papa) was going to be on the call but mil said nope they would be too overwhelming for my children, so he said ok I’ll put on mute and turn off camera and be there to support me, but no they refused. It had to be me on my own or nothing. DV charity advised I don’t do the call so I didn’t get to speak to my child. Then my legitimate concern for my child meant they were furious I don’t tell them first / I can’t raise anything with them! So they stopped contact, told child I was sick, wouldn’t allow me to speak on Xmas again, cancelled our own Christmas post Boxing Day, I haven’t been allowed to see or speak since. I’m trying to sort some supervised contact but everything suggested so far hasn’t been ‘approved’ by them. I can’t use social media because they always find me. I’m writing letters but I don’t know if my child even gets them. They stopped contact to ‘protect from further unfounded allegations’ which is just awful because I said we need to be working together to support child! It’s like they hate me so much they can’t imagine that anyone could love me. Not even my children. And I suspect they do not want any of the dv to be known by the children. I just don’t know what to do? Hold the boundary and tell the age appropriate truth or to lie so I can see my children?

Sorry OP, I'm a bit confused here, do you have one child or several, as you mention 'my child', but also say 'so I can see my children'?

Having thankfully never had to go through anything as awful as this, I probably don't understand the half of what's going on, but if you agree you won't say anything, so that you can see your child/children, then surely you can take that opportunity to tell them what's really gone on, or would you only be able to see him/them in a supervised situation, and if so, would it be MIL and Father, who would be supervising? Like I said, I have no experience with this, so please forgive me if I'm over simplifying things.

It certainly sounds like things are VERY wrong, and need sorting out for the sake of your child, surely the Courts can see this, can't they?

I'd speak to the social worker or child's guardian about what to share and how to do it the right way. I hope things are resolved soon.