To pull DD from preschool

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I posted in another topic the other day but really keen to get some other opinions so posting here..

DD is 2.10. Her routine is MIL on Monday, childminder Tues/weds and preschool Thurs/Fri. She attended nursery from 9-18m but we pulled her because she was clearly very upset and didn’t enjoy it. She’s been with the childminder for over a year now, settled quickly - she really loves her.

Started preschool 4 weeks ago, because I have gone back to work 5 days a week. Childminder works elsewhere so couldn’t do more days. The preschool is lovely, Ofsted outstanding and other children are obviously very happy there from our visits.

However DD is struggling. She’s always struggled with change or transition so we did our best to move slowly, we did settling sessions and all was well until last week, she started getting upset saying she didn’t want to go to preschool. It’s got gradually worse, the build up is awful, she’s worrying about it before bed, saying please don’t make me to go preschool tomorrow, crying all morning. Then weirdly, drop off is actually fine. They say she is up and down in the day, she gets stuck in, but does get upset easily. The manager rang me to discuss how we could help her settle and suggested cutting down to 9-12:30 until she feels happier which I did today, but she still started crying about it tonight.

I just want to do the right thing by her. I know she is starting school next year and I want to help her transition to that setting, because I know if I throw her in at the deep end it’ll be awful, whilst realising she’s still young. Our intention is to up her to 4 days a week in September and drop the childminder so she only has one setting, with a day off in the middle with MIL, but I don’t know if that is what we should do now.

Her behaviour at home and at the childminders is deteriorating, we’re seeing lots of tantrums. I’d be really keen to know if this is normal? I hate seeing her so upset and worried. Any tips on helping her would also be really appreciated.

DH thinks I need to give it more time, she’s a sensitive kid and it’ll take her a while.

YABU - give it more time
YANBU - she isn’t ready

I think you need to give it more time. One of my kids took a long time to settle into nursery at that age. It was awful seeing her so upset but I used to stay with her for 10 minutes or so and then leave. She did eventually settle but it took time, and I’m glad we stuck with it as I would have worried that she would have found starting pre-school or school more difficult if she had only ever been used to being looked after by us or grandparents.

I'd stick with preschool OP.

My son (second child) was a bit of a childcare nightmare. We put him into childcare when he was 2 but be wouldn't settle in nursery, sent him to a childminders and he was better there but still very tearful at every drop off chasing me when I tried to leave.
I pulled him out of childcare and had family watch him and take him to places with other kids to socialise. I was very(!) worried about how he would cope but he started school nursery when he was 3 and he was a completely different child - I ended up putting him in full time because he had tantrums about leaving early!

I wouldn't take how she is right now as a sign for the future. My son started school nursery when he was 3.4 and the difference between that and even 4 months earlier was massive.

Our son seemed so ready at this age but never settled, woke up early daily and broke his heart, cried for hours before going and begged not to have to go again...we gave it a few weeks then agreed he could stop, a few months later he was due to start a new setting and I worried myself sick..on day 2 he asked me not to wait about today, he assured me he loved it and was fine without me!
If you don't have to send her and it's upsetting her, and undoubtedly you, listen to her and try again after summer.
It's so hard, trust your gut....and ignore those around who may be saying you will create a rod for your own back, just deal with each situation as it arises.

What's your plan for if she doesn't like school?

My youngest was like this and, with the benefit of hindsight, I should have pulled him. I sent him to preschool because 'that's what everyone does'. I wish I hadn't.

I volunteered in a preschool and it was just noise! As an adult, I found it overwhelming.

I think young children like this need somewhere smaller and quieter, especially if they're sensitive.

Your child is communicating something to you so trust that mother's instinct and listen to it.

It won't affect her future. It tells me everything that she's happy with the childminder and grandparent. She just doesn't like the preschool environment probably because it's overwhelming for her. Keep her in a smaller setting and she will get there in the end.

No child should be worrying at night about the impending trip to preschool the next day.

I think you probably could give it a bit more time but also, because she's only there twice a week it's probably harder on her to settle and make those bonds with people. It's a lot of change for a little one to have a childminder, a preschool and a day with a grandparent.

Is the preschool attached to the school she’ll likely go to? If so, I’d give it more time and keep her there. Otherwise she may think she can just leave school too when the time comes.

It can take some kids a while to settle in a school setting - one of mine wasn’t truly settled in reception until after the February half term, but he loves it now.

She started childcare very young at only 9m. She's now not even 3 and has had multiple different childcare settings. No wonder the poor girl is upset.

If you can't pull her completely due to work, I'd probably stick with one setting and no more changes. She needs some consistency.

If you can pull her, pull her. If you keep going, yes she'll eventually settle because she knows she has no choice. Everyone I know that has been in this situation who has changed them, hasn't had the same issue at the alternative place and the child has been happy almost instantly. I'm one of them, where DC was fine by the second visit, yet crying every morning at the other place. Sometimes it's just not the right fit. Only you know your child, listen to your gut.

She is only 2. A year is HUGE in terms of her life! I personally don't buy into the idea of settling them in early to get them ready for school way down the line. A typical 4yo will have much better understanding and expression, allowing you to talk through things more. Plus she is happy away from you at the CM. However what is your practical plan for childcare if she doesn't go? Do you have any other realistic long term options?

OP, you know your child better than anyone else, so listen to her, and go with what you think. If she’s happy with the childminder, I’d leave her there for a bit. Another year is over a third of her life, so a long time in toddler terms. If you’re in a position to do so, I’d be inclined to stop pre-school for now and try again later.

I'd keep her at pre school OP. Unfortunately when she starts school, she'll be going regardless of whether she likes or not.

My daughter was exactly the same when transitioning from the baby room to toddler room at her nursery. Drop offs were heartbreaking but I simply said 'Goodbye. Have a lovely day. Love you!' and walked away.

In the lead up to my son starting school we were sold the idea that child had to attend a pre-school setting and so we took him out of his childminder’s and moved him to pre-school.

It was a total nightmare! He didn’t want to go, but when he did get there he was fine which I think was due to the lack of supervision compared to how it had been at the childminders, where she only had 3 children including my son. The pre-school days were less structured, he wasn’t receiving the same level of interaction that he had done at the childminder’s house, he was left to his own devices a lot more and his behaviour deteriorated, both in the pre-school environment and at home.

We gave him about 4-5 months to “settle in” but it made no difference. Nothing about the nursery set-up changed and so nor did his behaviour.

When it became clear that the pre-school environment just wasn’t l for him we removed him and put him back with a childminder and everything went back to normal.

Despite only having been with a childminder since the age of 1 (except those months in pre-school) he still transitioned in school perfectly fine.

I think she has too much variation of care givers. Could you rationalise this a bit? Drop down a day at work? Ask MIL to do an extra day etc?