To think that too many people make excuses for their behaviour or circumstances?

[SnugShaker]

I feel like a lot of people justify where they are in life - or how they act - by blaming external factors. I get that life isn’t always fair, and some people have had awful childhoods or difficult experiences, but I don’t agree with using that as an excuse to treat others badly or stay stuck in a victim mindset.

I’ve always believed that, no matter what’s happened to you, you still have a choice in how you behave. AIBU to think that personal responsibility matters more than past hardships?

I think this is a very complicated subject.

A therapist told me about twin boys who grew up in an abusive alcoholic household. One went onto to do very well in life, happy marriage and family, well educated and prosperous. The other one went onto to become an alcoholic himself, life on benefits, recreated his childhood. When asked why they turned out the way they did, both said "with a childhood like mine what would you expect".

Same genes, same nurture.

In my own case I think my love of learning and reading saved me. I've had my issues but made decisions that have ultimately turned out well, possibly because I thought things through, considered all options rather than just reacted. My siblings not so well, probably due to poor decisions and reactivity but it's impossible to get inside the head of another person so who really knows?

And to qualify I've also had a big dose of luck. Being responsible and sensible does not always guarantee success. Some people have bad things happen despite their efforts.

The twins weren’t exactly the same, or even their circumstances.

There’s a fair body of research about the impact of trauma on human development. It’s by no means determinative that adverse experiences in childhood means someone will struggle in adulthood, but without supportive relationships somewhere along the line there’s a mountain to climb. The adaptations we make to survive unsafe situations and people don’t serve us well in daily life and can mean our reactions and responses are quite off.

Its fine to say we are each responsible for ourselves, and we are, but if our understanding of the world and relationships are underpinned by cruelty and trauma that’s going to influence all kinds of things.

Would you like to share what challenges you overcame that led you to this revelation? It feels like a grand sweeping statement so far