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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask them to be my bridesmaids even though I wasn’t theirs?

26 replies

Timetogoo · 02/05/2025 15:51

I have a group of friends who I have known since I was 3 years old. As we have grown up we have remained good friends but each person has another set of friends who they are extremely close to and consider their “best friends”. For me, all other friends that I’ve made along the way in life have disappeared. I have drifted away from all of them, except this group of girls. For me, they are my closest friends, but for them, they have their own separate friends who they are much closer to.

we are a group of 4 and two of them are already married, one got married last year and the other a few months ago. We weren’t bridesmaids for either of them. Now that I am engaged, I really want them to be mine.

Is this weird to ask someone to be your bridesmaid if you weren’t theirs? I wonder if they will be confused, because we aren’t particularly CLOSE, but we are good friends.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 02/05/2025 15:52

You can ask whomever you choose to be your bridesmaids - reciprocity isn't mandatory.

ThejoyofNC · 02/05/2025 15:52

You can ask who you like, being a bridesmaid shouldn't be a reciprocal arrangement.

2024onwardsandup · 02/05/2025 15:53

No do it and I really respect you for doing it.

RedSkyDelights · 02/05/2025 15:54

Well traditionally married women can't be bridesmaids :)

I don't think it's weird at all - you've known them a long time and it sounds like you've stayed in touch even if you are no longer best friends. I think there's definitely a different dimension to long standing friendships - those people have known you at different stages of your life.

I can't imagine being anything but flattered to be asked to be someone's bridesmaid, and they can always say no ...

Pandimoanymum · 02/05/2025 15:54

No, it doesn't matter if you were their bridesmaid or not. If you genuinely want thrm as bridesmaids then ask them. They'll probably be flattered.

modgepodge · 02/05/2025 15:55

Yeah you ask you want. The person I consider my best friend obviously has other people who she considers closer as I asked her but she didn’t ask me. It’s fine!

Reddog1 · 02/05/2025 15:55

I think they’ll be flattered! But you know them, I don’t. Would you be expecting them to help plan the wedding and organise a hen party?

beetr00 · 02/05/2025 15:56

"Is this weird to ask someone to be your bridesmaid if you weren’t theirs? "
not weird, at all

on that basis alone, YABU.

Did I mis-interpret the poll @Timetogoo?

WearyAuldWumman · 02/05/2025 15:57

RedSkyDelights · 02/05/2025 15:54

Well traditionally married women can't be bridesmaids :)

I don't think it's weird at all - you've known them a long time and it sounds like you've stayed in touch even if you are no longer best friends. I think there's definitely a different dimension to long standing friendships - those people have known you at different stages of your life.

I can't imagine being anything but flattered to be asked to be someone's bridesmaid, and they can always say no ...

So long as I can remember, it's tradition that you can have a Best Maid/Maid of Honour or a Matron of Honour if she's married. I had a Matron of Honour in the early '90s and two of my cousins each had a Matron of Honour in the '60s.

I can also think of cases where the 'ordinary' bridesmaids have been married women, though I suppose that the term 'maid' would suggest otherwise.

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/05/2025 16:05

Definitely ask them. They’re your closest friends, it’s not weird at all. I think it’s a shame that odd politics get in the way of people having the wedding they want, feeling pressure over who to choose for main roles because they have lots of different friends from different parts of their lives (and is probably how some women end up with about 9 bridesmaids trailing after them, because they didn’t want to leave anyone out.)

I don’t think customs about whether bridesmaids are married or not make any difference anymore, times have changed: so many people marry for the first time in their thirties or forties, or after they’ve already had children, or are given away by their adult sons etc that no one bats an eyelid.

HamYard · 02/05/2025 16:05

Well, I had no bridesmaids at all, so every time I’ve been a bridesmaid, it’s been for someone I didn’t have as mine.

Having said that, all my friends are people for whom bridesmaiding was a matter of showing up in the day in a dress, and doing occasional bouquet holding, dancing with the groomsmen and occasionally running interference between feuding relatives. Not some six-month fiesta of glowing up, hen organisation, dress shopping, cake tasting, favour-making. The only time it was onerous was when, in the days before mobiles and email, I had to phone around over 100 guests and tell them the wedding was off.

Original poster
Timetogoo · 02/05/2025 16:10

Thank you everyone! I do feel better now. It’s been playing on my mind for a little while

OP posts:
GRex · 02/05/2025 16:14

You can do whatever you like, it's your wedding. Worth bearing in mind that little girls often love being bridesmaids, so if either side has suitable family member then that could be a good pick.

Carpetty · 02/05/2025 16:14

OP, kindly meant but sometimes being asked to be bridesmaid is a dose, and women really would rather not.
They would rather just be a guest.
I would think about whether you believe they would welcome it.
Maybe ask them would theyblike to be.
I certainly never enjoyed it and would rather not be asked.
Its not a reflection of my regard for the other person, I would just rather not.

Wahsingday · 02/05/2025 16:16

I think it’s a much nice reason to ask someone than asking out of a sense of obligation because they asked you.

Original poster
Timetogoo · 02/05/2025 16:17

Carpetty · 02/05/2025 16:14

OP, kindly meant but sometimes being asked to be bridesmaid is a dose, and women really would rather not.
They would rather just be a guest.
I would think about whether you believe they would welcome it.
Maybe ask them would theyblike to be.
I certainly never enjoyed it and would rather not be asked.
Its not a reflection of my regard for the other person, I would just rather not.

Edited

I know I have been thinking that, but I am planning to let them know that I don’t expect them to do anything at all other than just be there. I want them to be the ones that I share the evening before with and spend the morning getting ready together and having them in my pictures. I don’t expect them to be paying for things and planning a hen do etc

OP posts:
EilishMcCandlish · 02/05/2025 16:18

I had both my SIL. I don't have a big group of female friends to pick from and no one had little kids to have flower girls It is not a reciprocal thing. Do what you want.

Acc0untant · 02/05/2025 16:42

How close is "not particularly close?"

As a pp said, being a bridesmaid has certain expectations on your time and money. They usually attend a hen, there are dress shopping trips, dress fittings for alterations, hair and make up practice sessions if you're using a hairdresser and MUA on the day, extra time spent at the wedding on the day itself for prep before the ceremony, they'll be in a lot of photos and so on.

I wouldn't personally want to do the above for someone I'm not particularly close with, I'd much prefer to be a guest and wear what I want, leave when I'm ready to leave, not spend various Saturdays before the wedding shopping for dresses or having fittings.

It's not about reciprocity, but do have a think about whether you're picking them because you just feel you need bridesmaids rather than actively wanting them in particular to be your bridesmaids.

HamYard · 02/05/2025 17:00

Carpetty · 02/05/2025 16:14

OP, kindly meant but sometimes being asked to be bridesmaid is a dose, and women really would rather not.
They would rather just be a guest.
I would think about whether you believe they would welcome it.
Maybe ask them would theyblike to be.
I certainly never enjoyed it and would rather not be asked.
Its not a reflection of my regard for the other person, I would just rather not.

Edited

I think that was really my point above — that if you’re asking friends you have good reason to think don’t regard you as a particularly close friend, it might be worthwhile thinking in advance about what you envisage their role as being, exactly. Show up in a dress on the day? Great. Essentially being a wedding and hen planner with a big time commitment over a period of months? Not so much.

JLou08 · 02/05/2025 17:05

I don't think it's weird at all, they may be happy with the offer. I had friends that I wanted as bridesmaids but couldn't afford to have them all, if one of them asked me to be bridesmaid I'd be very grateful.

ItsDrActually · 02/05/2025 20:23

Timetogoo · 02/05/2025 16:17

I know I have been thinking that, but I am planning to let them know that I don’t expect them to do anything at all other than just be there. I want them to be the ones that I share the evening before with and spend the morning getting ready together and having them in my pictures. I don’t expect them to be paying for things and planning a hen do etc

Show quote history

I didn't have bridesmaids. Being two women we could do what we wanted and noone screeched 'but you have to do/it's tradition' at us though! Writing that makes me realise how privileged we were to be able to have that freedom. I didn't see if you said whether you are marrying a man or woman and don't want to assume! You deserve that same freedom, everyone does.
We had our closest friends with us for the weekend so they were there for all the important things you mentioned. Your friends can be, too. They don't have to be bridesmaids to do jobs during the ceremony - 1 to be the witness, 1 do a reading, 1 hand you your husband/wife's ring to put on their finger, another make a speech etc etc. If one of them sings or plays an instrument can they play you in? Or play during the signing of the register?
I think you should embrace a wee bit of rebellion against some of these traditions and do what works for you.
Have a wonderful wedding!

notsureyetcertain · 02/05/2025 20:41

If one of them had asked you how would you have felt? That’s likely how they will feel. Definitely ask.

Carpetty · 02/05/2025 21:58

HamYard · 02/05/2025 17:00

I think that was really my point above — that if you’re asking friends you have good reason to think don’t regard you as a particularly close friend, it might be worthwhile thinking in advance about what you envisage their role as being, exactly. Show up in a dress on the day? Great. Essentially being a wedding and hen planner with a big time commitment over a period of months? Not so much.

Show quote history

The OP sounds lovely and not as if she is going to be one of those demanding brides we read about on here.

However, some women just cannot be arsed.
They don't want to be part of a wedding party.

Hell, I didn't want to be part of my own but did it for the expectations of others.🤷🏻‍♀️

If my children tell me they want to elope and do their own thing I hope to say whatever works for you darling.

I have found weddings to be mostly long, exhausting and dull.
I was delighted when my own was done.

Thats a long time ago now, but increasingly I know people quietly getting married on their own.

I really hope it works out for the OP, she sounds great.

Thepossibility · 03/05/2025 00:33

RedSkyDelights · 02/05/2025 15:54

Well traditionally married women can't be bridesmaids :)

I don't think it's weird at all - you've known them a long time and it sounds like you've stayed in touch even if you are no longer best friends. I think there's definitely a different dimension to long standing friendships - those people have known you at different stages of your life.

I can't imagine being anything but flattered to be asked to be someone's bridesmaid, and they can always say no ...

I've been a bridesmaid 3 times since I've been married. That tradition is long dead. Also the bride doesn't need to be a virgin and the father doesn't need to give his daughter away. All thankfully relics of the past.
Choose you will support you best OP.

Purpleturtle43 · 03/05/2025 06:47

Yes, you can do that, it's not weird. I wasn't bridesmaid for one of mine as she has 2 sisters and likewise I have been bridesmaids for 2 people who I didn't have. Depends several factors for example how big a wedding they are having, if they have sisters/cousins they are close to etc.