DH & sex

[anon9776]

It’s going to be a long one so thanks in advance for anyone who comes with advice.

I am 33, DH 34 and we have a DD who’s 2 and I’m 22 weeks pregnant.

DH was away abroad for 4 nights on a golf trip last week (doesn’t bother me at all, I am off abroad next month for my best friends hen weekend for 4 nights and we have a family trip booked for July).

DD been unwell with a cough and cold, I’ve had very little sleep. I’m suffering with early onset of SPD in this pregnancy, I have had sciatica since I was 17 and was in a car accident and I have 2 slipped discs, obviously as I grow it gets worse in pregnancy for me, this will be our last baby.

This pregnancy, I have had recurrent thrush and piles, I’m in pain with my back and hips a lot of the time but regardless, like 99% of mums we get on with it. I take DD out every day even if it’s for a walk in the woods or to the park. DH runs our business.

DH has always had a higher sex drive than me but we’ve made it work. Since pregnancy and the thrush, increased back pain etc it’s been the last thing on my mind but we have sex once or twice a week anyway (unless active thrush) which I cannot complain about, DH isn’t selfish in bed and we have a good sex life although he would like it more which I understand but I just can’t physically do it right now.

When he got home, he came down with DD’s cold. Yesterday he laid on the sofa all day. I was in a lot of pain with my back but went to Sainsbury’s and got the shopping done, dropped our friends DD’s birthday presents off, he watched me do everything with DD yesterday, he watched me do laundry, he watched me cook dinner for her, hoover and wipe down kitchen and toilet, bathe her, put her to bed, tidy the living room of toys away in her toy box.

Earlier on late morning, he’d made a joke about having sex and I was in the mood but after watching him watch me do everything in pain last night because he’s got a cough and cold, I changed my mind. As it happens, about 8pm I started to get a sore throat and blocked nose and by the time I went to bed at 9:30 I felt rough, I’ve obviously caught it from DD and/or DH.

He came to bed and initiated sex, I said I didn’t feel well (which he knew as I’d said to him whilst watching tv that I could feel a cold coming on).

He then told me that I am not fair, I shouldn’t have agreed to it earlier on in the day, he went on and on at me saying that this is what stops him from being able to sleep whenever I withdraw from wanting to have sex (rarely happens) and in the end I had enough and told him if he was that bothered to go and pleasure himself instead. He told me I was “being a dick”, got out of bed and slept in the living room.

I feel really hurt today, I’m 5 months pregnant, I do everything around the house from the cleaning to the laundry to changing all of our bedsheets once a week, making sure our daughter gets fresh air and a run around every day. He’s taken the day off today and I’m staying in bed and resting and he can be with DD today. He said okay and we haven’t spoke since.

Apart from this, he’s a great Dad and Husband (when he’s not unwell) and will absolutely hoover or mop or do whatever I need doing if I ask him. He works really hard to provide for us and often brings me home flowers, runs me baths etc.

AIBU to think I absolutely have a right to change my mind about wanting to have sex or am I being unfair to him?

does he understand how much you are in pain? I mean really understand?

my DH had a chronic pain condition, but used to try to work through and be strong and keep going. And I often didn't realise how much pain he was in until he collapsed or suddenly had a big moan of "ive been in pain all day and you didn't help". but I genuinely couldn't see that he was in pain - it was not obvious in his face or actions because he was actively getting on with chores. now we have both learnt that he needs to explicitly communicate his pain and ask for help instead of just pushing through.

In future, I'd recommend acting-up your pain instead of suppressing it. Tell him "my back is bad today, can you to X". Stretch and moan awkwardly. be explicit about what you need.

he is still entirely wrong to be grumpy about lack of sex. but it will be easier for both of you if you communicate about your pain clearly.

He's not a great husband at all, he's treating you like a defective sex doll

He's not a good husband.

He laid there on the sofa all day and watched you, pregnant and in pain, and exhausted, do every single task and run yourself ragged. He was too sick to do anything all day .Then, after lazing all day, he was magically all better and wanted sex and doesn't appear to understand consent and has a tantrum that after working yourself to exhaustion, would dare to say no. And this is soon after a golf trip where he left you to do everything.

He's a lazy fuck and his refusal to accept that you can withdraw consent for sex at any time is disrespectful and ignorant. He is doing the least possible and damn, it's next to nothing, to keep you around. He feels entitled to use your body. He's sexually coercive.

Explain to him the concept of foreplay. Acting like a loving partner during the day who shares the workload rather than a sofa lounging limpet is more attractive and you are less likely to be completely physically and mentally wiped out. He also needs a complete reset. with regards to sexual consent. He got mad and went on and on at you hoping to get you to change your mind. As if you would suddenly be aroused by his temper tantrum. He knows you're having sex you're not even really into right now, but he doesn't care.