Teenage Daughter. Hates School

[Megirlan123]

I’m not sure if this is the correct forum but I’ve put it here for traffic.
My daughter is 13 and in her first year of high school. (Almost the end of first year)
She went through a long period of hating school. However the last few months have been more settled. Since she went back after the Easter break it’s been difficult again. She is crying, doesn’t want to go, messaging when they’re that she wants to come home, doesn’t feel well etc etc.
She wanted to move schools, is convinced it would be better elsewhere. We considered it but said let’s wait and see. Like I say she settled for a good few months but now we are back to wanting to move schools. Doesn’t seem to be a particularl reason. She has friends at school and different friends at other schools but she is a pretty quiet girl who isn’t particularly confident.
Does it get easier? Should I seriously consider moving schools. It’s so stressful when every day is a fight.

You need to get to the bottom of why she wants to move schools? Kids who are being bullied often don't want to tell their parents about it. I speak from experience. It might not be bullying but you need to know the specific reason before you pull her out of school. Do they have a school counsellor she could speak to if she won't open up to you?

She is in twice weekly meet ups with her year head who has been really good with her.
I really don’t think she is being bullied. I considered this but when chatting to her and her friend teacher etc I really don’t see anything that suggests bullying. She is pretty open with me and has chatted through any issues she has had with friends in the past. I am trying to get to the bottom of the why. I said to her there must be a reason you hate it.

What does she think about the schoolwork/curriculum? Is it too easy or too difficult, or is it okay?

What is her life like outside of school? Does she have any hobbies/interests?

You say she is lacking confidence, this could be an extension of this. Consider getting her some counselling to work through her feelings and begin to understand where these feelings come from.
Does the school have a counsellor? Some do.
My worry would be that if there is no obvious problem at the current school, then what makes a new school the way to support her? She'll be starting behind everyone else whose friendship groups are established, she needs to get to know the school and get around, the teachers, potentially not do all of the same subjects as not all school offer the same ones, they may have already covered knowledge that she hasn't resulting in gaps in her knowledge. Would these challenges/changes add to her worry load?
I suppose what I am saying is, when we have a yucky feeling about something our instinct is fight or flight, and naturally your daughter wants to leave. Makes sense. It's natural. But those natural instincts don't always make sense in today's world without her understand why she feels like that and building skills to support herself moving forward. This change of school could, potentially, just mean the issues move with her but with extra problems to deal with.
Whatever you choice I suspect that after the six weeks holiday you may have some issues returning to school as the break can be challenging.
You could consider taking her for a tour of a school. This may get her excited, this could make it 'real' and help her understand the further challenges that could appear.
But it would be that the current school isn't the right fit. But your daughter needs to begin to understand her feelings so the right next step can be made.
Outside of school is she actively involved in anything? What makes her excited and passionate? What is she good at?

I have been here. I would actually consider a change of school if she wants that. I held tight with my DD and things just got worse. It may nit improve things but then you will know that your DD might have a problem with the school environment rather than with the particular school.

What communication have you had with the school? Try to get pastoral support in place from the Head of Year as soon as possible.

Does your DD have any neurodivergent traits? When I started finding out more about teenage girls who struggle with school attendance, I realised there was a huge correlation between EBSA and being ND. My DD actually had a lot of traits that I hadn't realised are associated with autism in girlsand she was diagnosed when she waa 14. She also was never able to really articulate what it was that she didn't like. There were no specific incidents, no friendship issues, she just absolutely hates the environment and is constantly in "freeze" mode.

I thinking our case the school were too slow to put things in place that may have helped. They largely ignored the issue as my DD is quiet, well-behaved and academically capable. You need to really push for some support in these early stages. Things that were eventually put in place were regular time out in pastoral space and a (significantly) reduced timetable. They helped a bit and might have been more helpful if in place earlier. Your DD would also benefit from asafe person that checks in with her regularly.

Hope things improve.

Also there is a FB group "Not fine in school" which has many others in a similar situation and lots of advice.

As above, you need to get to the root of the problem. If it is just 'school' then you've got no guarantee she'd be happier at a different one and you'll just be in the same boat.

Change schools. I changed my dd’s school
at age 13/14 as it wasn’t a good fit. No problems at new school.

You say she is in her first year at 13. Are you not in England or Wales? Is she a year behind?

If its her first year, you may be looking at a combination of transition difficulties and puberty. That can be enough to cause problems even without bullying. I think it's particularly the case if the primary school was a warm and nurturing environment. Even a good state secondary will be overwhelmingly noisy in comparison. My daughter found the change really tough. All that helped was growing up a bit and sport. She was very anxious and has been able to grow past that through rugby. Oh and ear plugs have helped too - you can get ones that just dampen the noise. www.flareaudio.com/products/calmer-kids?srsltid=AfmBOoqRg43waUG39S3rYluqlAxWcDXtffxZBfosPJ6k7QPEJlr-8Ldg

Sounds like she is in Scotland. Started at age 12, just turned 13.

Move her. I had exactly this with my year 7 son last year. There were a number of things. Not big at all. But an accumulation of stuff. He had friends. No specific reasons given. Went on about it for months. In the end we moved him. Best thing. He is so much happier. Now looking back he just said it was the vibe of the school, the ethos, the people etc… just didn’t suit him. Not everyone is the same and not everyone fits in everywhere. Thing is moving him meant that he had to make it work. I would listen to her. Years ago when my boys were small (aged 2) they both at the same age became unhappy at the nursery they were at. I was able to move them and again it was the right decision and they flourished. I vowed to listen to them in the future and thats why I finally agreed to move him when he was year 7. Was the right thing. But I worried about it so much because he was at a really good school.

You have to find out why, then you can make an informed decision.

There’s something going on!
Until you get to the bottom of it, you can’t solve it.

I know this might not help but my daughter was exactly the same, she just hated school, every day a struggle and always trying to get off with some illness. It was so hard and some days dropped her off begging me to take her home or come pick her up.
she did well in her GCSEs but couldn’t wait to leave, she went to college and she changed overnight, now she’s in an apprenticeship job in London earning a good wage and living her best life having just turned 18.
she never seemed to have issues with anyone at school I believe some children just hate it. Keep going and persevere but I know how hard it is

Poor kid. She's having miserable teen years and she won't get back and will always know that her mother didn't have her back.

I was severely bullied and hated school. I am in my mid 30s, I have autoimmune disorder after autoimmune disorder and wake up in the night PTSD because my school days.The former bullies/teachers (accessories to the bullies) have long since moved on with their lives, having careers, starting families, buying property, nights out etc. I've never been able to do any of those things, despite being born healthy.

To this day I resent my parents for doing nothing. I tried on two occasions to change schools. "No, you'll only get the same problems again" etc. So they did nothing and I have not had a days formal education since the age of 16. No matter, I've got that many health issues I'll still qualify for PIP when/if the reforms happen and be on life long state assistance.

Every bully and bad day at school was CO-SIGNED by my parents and I'll always be left wondering what I could have been career and health wise if I was not surrounded by bullies and chair throwers.

I'm just a useless eater and the taxpayer's problem now. Least I've not brought kids in to the world just to watch them suffer.

My DD is just finishing primary and there are often mornings she says she doesn’t feel well. We talk about it more and it’s her tummy feeling funny and I think it’s maybe a kind of anxiety feeling. She goes to school and is fine. We are still trying to work it out. I think screen time stuff doesn’t help. Anyway just sone thoughts in case they may be helpful. Good luck.

Wow, this is quite a leap. She has said she isn't being bullied and has friends.

I'm sorry your life hasn't worked out the way you'd hoped but perhaps take some control back and look after yourself, get some therapy and support for your trauma and try to move on for the remainder of it. Ruining the rest of your life for the sake of 11 years of your past just isn't worth it.

I don't think it's fair to blame the op because your parents didn't move schools for you. The realities of chopping and changing schools isn't as easy as you might think, and with jobs and lives it's even harder. Not to mention the financial implications, all on a "what if" because what's to say they weren't right and it would happen again in the next school?

I'm aware the OP didn't mention she has any knowledge of her child being bullied.

She did mention her child hating school and attempting to change to a different school, something I tried to do TWICE (guess "taking control back" didn't work then huh) and got no support from the people who should have helped me. I still resent it to this day. They didn't even try. They gave the same excuses you did. What if happens again? (Keep suffering where you are).

I am just warning the OP that if she does nothing but fob her off and leave her in an enviroment she hates, similar life long feelings of resentment may occur in her own child. This may affect future relations and lead to estrangement.Uncomfortable to hear, I know. Much "kinder" to the parent to just blame the disobedient, struggling teen (teenages, tut! So hormonal, am I right?) and absolve them of all responsibility and action. People have jobs! It isn't that simple! What if they were right! Best do nothing then. Stay in that hated place. Don't bother or care to do anything to help her get out of there.

As for "taking back control". What do you suggest I do with a broken body that requires consultants from four hospital departments to manage? "Identify" as able bodied and sane?! Talk talk talk and hear some bullshit platitudes about "taking control"? Make ANOTHER doctor cry? Maybe another storm out in frustration?

My life has already been "ruined" and now I have to manage as much 20 hospital appointments a month. I doubt I will make old bones. Like I could afford therapy anyway. Chatgpt is my therapist.

I think I would have a lower ACE score and be less prone to the many autoimmune disorders I have if I had been spared such awful, hated teenager years and felt I had a parent on my side who took action. The body keeps the score and I was born totally healthy.

I would rather spend another year on in centre haemodialysis with a 500ml fluid restriction than repeat my teenage years. If only my parents would have got me out of that school. They had the time and resources, just not the inclination. They could have even afforded private.

I hope OPs daughter gets to enjoy her life and cherish her education, rather than be left with a festering, life long mental wounds of resentment and "What if?" and "Why didn't my parents care at the time to do anything?"

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0277953624001345
One potential reason for the persistence of bullying effects in adulthood is that, as Powdthavee (2014) hypothesized, psychological resilience in adulthood is determined in adolescence. Those who face adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) may be less resilient in future. Analyzing individual panel data from the British Household Panel Survey (BHPS) he concluded that “people who during their early teenage years had spent a significant amount of time fighting other people, arguing with their parents, and whose parents had reported lower mental well-being were more likely than others to have worse mental well-being and lower life satisfaction as adults” (p. 89).

School doesn't suit everyone for many different reasons.Have you thought about Homeschooling?

My eldest loved primary, was ok in year 7…by year 9 she was really struggling, ended up being so anxious she couldn’t walk in a shop. ended up taking her out to home ed at the start of year 10. I still don’t really know why, she was a quiet, shy child and I think it just didn’t suit her, she wasn’t bullied and had a few nice friends.
She attended a 14-16 college instead 2 days a week, which she really enjoyed, then started college full time at 16. She’s flown in confidence since, still at college, has a group of great friends and driving etc. sometimes it is just the environment 😕 it’s so hard but go with your instincts

This could be me writing about my daughter!! The exact same thing is happening.
it’s awful cajoling her into school whilst she’s in tears and begging not to go.
our school have also been good but it’s starting to get seriius

You definitely need to get to the bottom of this, and also why she thinks a new school will be different. My middle school yr7-9 (11-14 aged) was feral, I wasn't bullied but I saw bullying and violence daily, it was not a safe environment and I felt permanently anxious. I couldn't really articulate it though, because I had friends, did well academically and wasn't bullied or picked on. I am not saying your DDs school is like that, but if she can talk through what it is, is it general anxiety, is the culture of the school not right for her, does she feel uncomfortable about anything in particular, what would be different if she could describe a perfect school etc.
If you can afford it, I'd also look at counselling, they'll be able to help if she just has general anxiety, and should provide some calming/coping strategies. They'll also help her articulate to you what she needs. I don't think moving school automatically helps, but if she's quiet and shy, a smaller more nurturing setting might be better, a counsellor will also help here because they'll make sure she understands the reality (making new friends, getting to grips with new rules, a new site, new teachers etc).
It's a big shock going to high school, be patient and listen to her but i would personally stick to the boundary that the law says she needs to go to school, so it's about working together to make sure she's comfortable in school - not a fight so she can avoid it.