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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really used and taken advantage of

23 replies

YouWillBeDeleted · 18/05/2008 16:19

One of my friends recently seperated from her dp. She has 3 dds. It was her dd2s bday this week and also my ds's and i'd arranged a party for him, hired a room, dj etc. She was upset because she couldn't afford to have one for her dd so i offered to make ours into a joint one, as she was broke i said for extra buffet, party bags/prizes for her 10 guests. I cooked all the food etc and on the day it was me who poured drinks/supervised kids she did nothing. I've just recieved an invite to a party she is throwi

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Original poster

YouWillBeDeleted · 18/05/2008 16:21

Throwing for the same dd on saturday! I feel like i've been used and am out of pocket because i paid for everything too. AIBU to be pissed off?

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windygalestoday · 18/05/2008 16:24

You learn as you get older and wiser some people will always tke the pi** -its a hard lesson to learn but unless you know people well just look fter yourself and your own family.

billybass · 18/05/2008 16:25

yeah of course you are upset. But wait to hear the full picture, maybe her ex has paid for the party?

What is your friend like?

Original poster

YouWillBeDeleted · 18/05/2008 16:32

She is normally one of the most geniune lovely person you could want to meet. Thats why it stings a bit that shes been like this. I know shes hurting badly after being left and i've tried to be a good friend but my dp is fuming because he feels like i'm being a doormat and should go round and demand half of the money we spent. I wouldn't do that as i know how fragile she is atm. Her dd isn't her exp child and he wont be paying for her party. I guess i selfishly just want some appreciation from her.

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Original poster

YouWillBeDeleted · 18/05/2008 16:35

And its little things like my sons cake was cut up for guests whereas her dds was taken home, i was left to clean the room etc

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AlexanderPandasmum · 18/05/2008 16:43

That really stinks. I'd be annoyed about it, but maybe find out exactly why she had another party unless there was a good reason? But yes, YANBU at all.

billybass · 18/05/2008 16:44

Oh I am sorry you were left with all the work..You sound like a lovely friend..

Could she look after your kids for an afternoon so you could have a little time to yourself? That way you might feel as if she has done something for you ,too.

Original poster

YouWillBeDeleted · 18/05/2008 16:55

Tbh i don't think she could cope with my boys on top of hers and i wouldn't put on her atm. Shes a mess, Shes not eating properly and has lost so much weight. I also think she may have pnd. Which is why i wont mention that i'm pissed off, i think i just wanted to get it off my chest. The 'normal' her wouldn't dream of acting like this, Shes been at mine every day all day for 2 weeks now and shes not the same person since her dp left, Shes like a shadow of what she was :-( i feel awful being annoyed with her

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conniedescending · 18/05/2008 17:02

I think she's treated you very shoddily and is out of order, but people can be very selfish and unthinking when they are in turmoil so I think if she's not normally like this then you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

If you mention your hurt to her it'll probably just add to the shitty way she's feeling at the minute. See if she mentions anything when you go to her dd's party assuming you are.

billybass · 18/05/2008 17:06

She is very lucky to have someone like you standing by her.

Original poster

YouWillBeDeleted · 18/05/2008 17:13

We will definately go to her party, and i wont say anything to her about it, lifes already hard enough for her as it is. I guess everything seems like a huge pointless effort to her at the moment and i should see it as a positive that she is making plans for a weeks time instead of doubting she can get through the day iyswim. And this is the first time shes been thoughtless since i've known her (15+ years) so on balance it can be let go. Hopefully i can make dp agree before he moans to her about it.

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dittany · 18/05/2008 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

electra · 18/05/2008 17:19

It's an odd thing to do.......but maybe she had been telling a lot of people she couldn't afford a party and a relative suddenly came up with some money for a party? Possibly not but you know...

Original poster

YouWillBeDeleted · 18/05/2008 17:23

I think i'm just feeling a bit useless, and its frustrating that i can't make things better for her. Like i say, shes round every day and just drinks coffee and i sometimes want to shake her because she is such a nice person and can't see it, she wont eat and i cant force her too :-( and on a more selfish note, i can't afford to buy food every day for 3 extra kids i honestly am struggling. Dp is getting annoyed with coming home to a house full of children and i can't get him to see she needs company atm

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dittany · 18/05/2008 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

YouWillBeDeleted · 18/05/2008 17:38

He doesn't mean to cause problems, i think hes just missing his peace and quiet after work, he'll get over it. I think he feels a bit like our house is a drop in centre, if its not one of my friends staying over its another etc which is fair enough its his home too. Hes booked next week off work and the kids will be staying with their dad so hes looking forward to some 'us' time.

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tigermoth · 18/05/2008 17:46

It sounds like the party was the last staw - by being round so much she's putting a strain on you every day.

I think you need to gently but firmly get her to stop using your home as a refuge. Can you go to see her at her home for a short time each day, if you feel she needs your daily support?

At least you are then in control as you can leave when it gets too much.

Can you help get her interested in being at her home (doing some gardening? moving round the furniture to make it feel like her space?)to help her feel more self sufficient?

Original poster

YouWillBeDeleted · 18/05/2008 17:53

The only problem with going over to hers is that its 3 buses away (she drives, i don't) and it would be very tight timing wise as i take Ds1 to school in the morning, then Ds2 at lunch time and then pick them both up in the afternoon. Her kids go to school near to where i live so its easier for her to be this side but it means she gets here at 8.15am and then doesn't leave until 8pm. Shes only recently moved away (to live near xp family of all things before he left) so has no friends/family near to her.

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billybass · 18/05/2008 18:00

I have similar situation at the moment, I have had to limit time spent round my house by my friend because my Ds doesn't like it. He was getting stressed as her kids were always grumpy and stressed(with good reason).

I know its hard but you have to limit the time she spends at your house.

billybass · 18/05/2008 18:02

I am off now, but best wishes YWBD.

Original poster

YouWillBeDeleted · 18/05/2008 18:04

Thanks Billy :-)

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tigermoth · 18/05/2008 18:06

That's more difficult, then. Of course you can't take 3 busses each time to see her. And poor her, to have lost her local support network when she needs it most! Any chance of her moving back to the area she knows?

But as it is, you simply cannot have her round for 12 hours each day! And she will never settle in her new home or make friends if she is never there.

Can you suggest she drives you back to her house on set days and drives you back to school in time for school pick up, so you spend the time with her in between?
When you go back with her, you could encourage her to meet the neighbours/find some local support agencies/join a club or activity - anything to help her make friends locally.

ElizabethBeresford · 18/05/2008 18:14

She has behaved oddly imo. In her shoes I would have been thanking you so much for sharing your son's party with my dd and I would have cut my dd's cake in two and given you some to take home.

THe only thing I can say is that I was depressed once and I did do some very self-absorbed things.

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