To be very stressed in the mornings and evenings

[LadyGillingham]

I work from home (freelance self employed, but full time). I start at 9am, get on ok until 3pm. I pick up DD (9) from school at 3pm and I’m already stressing until I get home. There is no pressure from anyone to rush back home, but since they pay me a day rate, I feel bad about wasting time. The client knows about the school pickups, it takes about 30mins. I usually have lunch at my desk, so I kind of make up for it anyway. Once I get home, nanny gets in within about 5-10mins (she can’t pick up from school as she can’t get there on time). Nanny leaves at 5, by then DD 1 (17) is back.

From 5pm, I get incredibly busy. Tidying up the house, homeworks, meal prep, laundry, dishwasher etc. On top of this, DD2 needs to be told to practice violin, do homework, shower etc. Im finding evenings incredibly stressful. Mornings are similar, but I cope better.

Appreciate any advice to deal with this. Im in peri-menopause, this could be a factor.

DH works from office. He usually gets home around 8pm - by then most of the housework is done. But it leaves me mentally very exhausted.

I think your husband should help out more. Can he clear up after 8pm
instead? And your 17 year old.
Your children are at self sufficient ages and I think you are stressing about work too much if they know about the school
run and are happy with your work.

Can you give DD17 £10 a week to take over dishwasher and laundry or something along those lines

And you might want to say to DD9 if she doesn't practise the violin off her own back what is the point in paying for lessons?

DH clears up and does the dishwasher loading. DD1 is busy with exams and coursework - also she has a job 3 times a week.

Not much you can do as both you and dh are pretty much working until 8pm. I do think that DD2 is at an age where she can take more responsibility for organising herself and both DDs can help with chores.

So is the nanny there from 3-5pm? If so can she not do some of it? I would also try and do meal prep/dishwasher during the day. Or easier meals. Batch cook.

What is the 9yo doing until 5pm? Can’t she do her violin, homework etc then?

PS HRT made a huge difference to my ability to cope with stress. I got so anxious before I was on it. Like one extra thing would push me over the edge!

I don’t have a solution but am here in solidarity! I feel the same and always have grand plans for the evening but am totally exhausted by the time the youngest two of three are in bed and usually end up doing nothing.

It’s the work already set for the day? Could you get up a bit earlier sit in bed on a laptop and break the back of anything? I run a business but find my coffee in bed from day 5.30-6am until 7.30 is when I get the most work done, this would then mean your evenings from pick up maybe a bit better as that work is done.

if it’s a new stress maybe do look at HRT it’s helped me with the stress and anxiety.

Good luck OP its hard juggling, but remember you have support, tell your DH show you are feeling overwhelmed and see what he suggests?

This is just life for a working family, not much you can do about it. You have one 9 year old and a nanny. It really can't be that stressful.

So supportive. Why comment? The OP says it’s stressful to HER - have some empathy

If I’m right in saying the nanny is only 3-5pm, wouldn’t another after school childcare work better? Or is it in a nanny’s remit to supervise homework amd violin practice?

What does the nanny do? Why doesn’t she do homework etc with the 9 year old? I don’t see why you need a nanny at all tbh for a 9 year old for two hours when you are at home, can’t she look after herself in that time?

I’d lose the nanny and use that money for a housekeeper to do cleaning, laundry etc.

This just sounds like family life I'm afraid. DH and I are out at work 8 -5/6 Monday to Friday and the evenings are filled with cooking, running kids to activities, supporting with school stuff. I am a teacher so I also have schoolwork to do in the evenings. Cut corners where you can - housework is fairly basic in my house. Can you afford a cleaner if it's bothering you? We usually get a couple of laundry loads done in the evenings during the week but it's all folded and put away at the weekends. If you are organised could you batch cook some meals at the weekend? Also have a few quick weekday meals at your disposal, eg jacket potatoes.

I agree you've got a lot on your plate. Make a list and see where you can pare back - can nanny supervise homework and violin practice? Can DD17 stick a load of laundry on? Can you make 15 minute meals during the week (pasta, jacket potatoes) or batch cook a couple of meals at the weekend? Or just have cold meats/salads a couple of days with bread and coleslaw? Housework could be minimal during the week, wipe round the kitchen, do sinks & toilets and have a proper clean on Saturday morning for an hour (both you and DH)

From the routine you describe it sounds as if it’s very much a normal family life that you have been doing for many years so it is you that has changed which is ok. Our resilience to stress or perceived stress does vary throughout life.

Would it help to take everything a tiny bit slower and more mindfully and as cheesy as it sounds, remind yourself that you’re doing fine? Once every so often (20 minutes/ half an hour?) stand alone, preferably outside for 1-2 minutes and breathe. Really breathe.

I agree with trying to do odd bits through the day and keeping meals etc as easy as possible to lower stress. And definitely consider getting the nanny to do homework and violin practice. Insist on the kids helping out a bit and when DH is there to help go a take a slightly longer breathing break.

Youll be ok.

The nanny takes DD2 to after school activities.

we have a cleaner - she comes weekly - by Monday morning, the house is messy again.

I think you need to work on your resilience to stress and coping mechanisms because what you have described does not sound very stressful. In fact your situation could be a lot worse and more complicated if you had a commute etc.

BUT to be stressed doesn’t mean you have to have a lot going on, you could have not much to do and still suffer from stress. I know this because my life is quite easy and I suffer from chronic stress.

Do you have any time for yourself? To do things like excercise and mediation? Do you sleep well and limit alcohol? Eat well?