AIBU to be completely fed up with the term 'mum guilt'?

[Idrinklotsofcoffee]

I'm so sick of hearing about 'mum guilt' everywhere. This phrase seems to have appeared from nowhere in recent years, and now it's the first thing out of every new mum's mouth - whether they're returning to work, enjoying time with friends, or if they're a celebrity being interviewed on telly.

The thing is, I don't feel guilty. Guilt suggests I've done something wrong as a mum, which I haven't. What I actually feel is sad when I don't see my child as much as I'd like, annoyed when we've had to do a drive-through on a busy day, and frustrated that there aren't enough annual leave days to cover all the school holidays.

But guilt? No. And why is it always 'mum guilt' anyway? No one ever mentions 'dad guilt', do they?

AIBU to think we should bin this phrase and be more specific about what we're feeling instead of lumping everything under this unhelpful label?

I would agree with you except for saying it’s a new thing. Mum guilt was very much a thing when I finished mat leave 17 years ago and when my mum went from being at home full time to working full time in the 80s, probably worse then. When I first joined mumsnet in 2010 it felt more judgmental of working mums and more pro SAHM but that could be perception.

@TwoLeggedGrooveMachine

You're right about the timeline - it's been around longer than I stated. I'm just tired of the word itself. "Guilt" implies we've done something wrong, when really it's just normal emotions about balancing life and parenting. The feelings are valid, but I wish we'd use more accurate language instead of making mums feel they're somehow at fault.

Agree - the more we all "buy into" the idea of mum guilt, the more it goes on.

Guilt is a motivating emotion - as you say, it means you have done 'wrong' and want to do better next time. What mums get pushed into and feel is actually shame - from internal pressure about feeling not good enough or external BS about how much we "should" all be able to manage and achieve.

I don't feel the alleged "guilt" either - it can all piss off! I am a person with needs too!

The single best thing you can do for your children's self esteem and then hopefully stop this cycle is to take care of yourself and let them see you doing so - it teaches them to value themselves and therefore no shame over meeting their own needs too.

It'd be better termed as "parental guilt" as it's usually about being a parent rather than a female parent.

I don't completely agree that describing something as guilt automatically implies it's a wrong decision. You can feel guilty about any decision which has non-ideal outcomes whichever you choose, particularly when the child can't see the long-term benefits . "Do I buy my child the textbook they need when they'd prefer I spent the money on an other squishmaIlow " etc.

That's all down to outlook obviously and the belief that there must be some 100% "right" outcome that pleases everyone - but life isn't like that!

But I largely agree, the feelings are valid but don't necessitate "fault".

"wrong" is prob the wrong word but it is definitely when you have done something that goes against your values - buying toys instead of books makes you feel guilty as you value providing your children what they need to succeed and thrive and knowing that sometimes you have to be the one to decide what is best for that.

Luckily you are not in a situation where you are left feel guilty about not having the means to give your children what they need, sometimes just the basics, school shoes.

Or working throughout the Christmas play and other important events to the children.

it might be a new phrase, mum guilt is real, most mothers want the best for their DC, it is shit when you cannot achieve it.

Good for you if you don’t feel guilty about some of the choices, or necessities that some mums encounter. It’s not for you to tell other women what they’re feeling though, guilt summed up alot of what you describe for me.

@Trickabrick

I understand what you're saying - if guilt genuinely describes your feelings, that's completely valid. I'm not trying to tell anyone what they should feel.

I've just been reflecting on why we call it "guilt" specifically. For me personally, I feel a ton of emotions - mostly sadness when I miss things, frustration with limited time, but I work because needs must. These feelings don't feel like guilt to me because I haven't done anything wrong by working or having other commitments.

I'd probably feel better if it were packaged as "parental guilt" rather than always being gendered. It's interesting that I rarely, if ever, hear "parental guilt" or "dad guilt" used in the same way. Perhaps that's part of what bothers me - the implication that these feelings should belong primarily to mothers.

I couldn't agree more. I think one of the very unhealthiest things about modern parenting is that both 'mum guilt' and 'mum anxiety' are absolutely fetishised and seen as a mark of how much you love your kids - if you just go about being fairly emotionally stable about parenting then it is seen as being horribly emotionally detached.