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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be very concerned about this friend?

33 replies

duchesse · 18/05/2008 13:41

Ok, so, a not very hypothetical situation:

Friend is very seriously ill (has only been given a few more months to live). Is in relative denial about this despite all treatment having failed.

Has been getting on really badly with husband.

Has now disappeared- been gone since Friday evening. Her phone has been traced to a town on the south coast but she is not answering it. Husband beside himself.

She is normally a very feisty woman but things have been going quite badly in her household recently. She is not happy there.

What does this sound like to you? A woman who just wants a few days away by herself, or something more sinister? Would she want to be found? Is it worth starting a MN search campaign in the town in question?

What would you do?

OP posts:

onepieceoflollipop · 18/05/2008 13:45

Difficult one Duchesse. Very sorry to hear about your friend.

Is there anyone (close friend/relative) that she may have confided in? This person may have a clearer idea of her intentions (without disclosing any confidences).

Has she ever in the past taken some "time out" for herself? - or is she usually a fairly reliable type?

Has her husband contacted the police?

WrongSideOfTwenty · 18/05/2008 13:45

I would be worried but it may just be that she wants some time to herself.

Hope she is ok, I would try to find her tbh.

StealthPolarBear · 18/05/2008 13:46

Does she have DCs?

Original poster

duchesse · 18/05/2008 13:48

The police are trying to trace her, but obviously as a 44 yr old she is less of a priority than a young teenager. Also she may want not to be found.

She has 4 children, the oldest of whom is about to take his GCSEs.

She does not appear to have confided in anybody.

OP posts:

lollipopmother · 18/05/2008 13:49

Does the town in question hold any significance to her? If there is a specific place she would go to in the area that certainly narrows down where people could look for her.

I assume that the police have traced the call and have therefore put out observations in the area?

In my experience a lot lot lot more people go missing than actually do anything, and they come back in their own time. She obviously has a hell of a lot to think about, she may just be wanting some time to herself, however I can see how it looks and family and friends must be sick with worry.

NotABanana · 18/05/2008 13:50

I am sorry for you and also sorry to say it sounds like she has gone off to harm herself. I hope she is found quickly and is safe.

StealthPolarBear · 18/05/2008 13:51

A tough one. If she is fine and just wants soem time alone it's a bit fo a privacy invasion. OTOH she has children and friends that are worried, and (IMO) her children at least have the right to know if she's OK.
Maybe call her phone and leave a message saying to let you know if she wants to be left alone before, but unless you hear from her you will start a search as you are worried? That way you've done all you can to respect her right to do what she likes as an adult.

onepieceoflollipop · 18/05/2008 13:53

I am really sorry to say this, but I would be very concerned. As you say, she may not want to be found.

Outwardly she may be in denial, but inside she may well be in shock/turmoil and possibly quite depressed. In addition to her illness there is the added distress of unhappiness at home.

Has she taken any belongings with her? Has she left any messages/explanations anywhere (e.g. on her pc for example)

I wonder if her health care professionals may have any suggestions (obviously they would only be able to disclose information to nok or other authorised person, and not until tomorrow).

onepieceoflollipop · 18/05/2008 13:56

SPB I am not sure that it is an invasion of privacy by people trying to find her - if she wanted a few days to herself she could have made family award even by leaving a vague note at home, or quick text to a friend or whatever.

Perhaps her mental state or general level of unhappiness made that too difficult for her? Unless she is extremely confused then she will be aware that people will be concerned.

NotABanana · 18/05/2008 13:56

Whereabouts on the South Coast? Could the local police have a look for her?

onepieceoflollipop · 18/05/2008 13:56

"family aware"

StealthPolarBear · 18/05/2008 13:57

opol I was just coming round to that way of thinking - if she decided to have a few days on her own she would have known how worried people would be.
Unless she just wasn't thikning clearly, in which case I doubt she'd mind being contacted.

onepieceoflollipop · 18/05/2008 14:00

SPB I work in mental health and very sadly some situations like this don't have a happy outcome

Sometimes, however, as other posters have mentioned, the person returns safely after a few days away.

Duchesse, is it possible that she may have been drinking (alcohol) or using recreational drugs that may have affected her?

marmadukescarlet · 18/05/2008 14:03

There are certain areas of the South Coast that hold a particular attraction to vulnerable people.

So if she was in Brighton I wouldn't be so concerned as if she was at a town further East.

StealthPolarBear · 18/05/2008 14:03

Oh I'm not explaining myself very well - I was agreeing with you!
duchesse, do you have any ideas about where you would start?

Original poster

duchesse · 18/05/2008 14:06

apparently one of her favourite places is Hayling Island but she was logged in Bognor. We can't think of any reason why she would go to Bognor, but every reason why she would go to Hayling Island. Does anybody out there know anything about the mobile phone masts around that area? Cos HI is definitely closer to Portsmouth than BR.

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onepieceoflollipop · 18/05/2008 14:06

SPB you are explaining yourself fine, sorry for any confusion. We seem to be thinking along the same lines even if it doesn't look that way "on paper"

Original poster

duchesse · 18/05/2008 14:07

onepiece -very unlikely as she on morphine anyway. The worry for me is that the disease may have reached her brain and she may not be thinking straight.

OP posts:

onepieceoflollipop · 18/05/2008 14:10

Are the police fully aware that her mental state may well be affected by her illness and medication?

If that is made very clear to them then she becomes more of a priority ime.

This may already have been done of course. Sorry if this isn't helpful.

Original poster

duchesse · 18/05/2008 14:12

The friend who is closer to her (sees her several times a week and is emotionally supporting the whole family) has left some such messages. She rang her on Friday offering to pop round, but sick friend said no. She then disappeared later that day.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 18/05/2008 14:15

What exactly did the police say they would do, if anything? I assume her DH has called hospitals in the area?

Original poster

duchesse · 18/05/2008 14:16

The police are on the lookout for her and her car there, yes. And they are aware of her illness.

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Original poster

duchesse · 18/05/2008 14:22

I'm sorry that I'm having to be really cagey about this whilst at the same time asking for advice. Given that sick friend is feisty yet private, she may, if she is just getting away alone for a few days, go berserk if she found out that the world and his wife is out looking for her.

OP posts:

flossie64 · 18/05/2008 14:25

My neice once took off without telling anyone where she was. My Dh said she could be traced by her mobile phone, he's in the forces. We told the police and they did a trace, it seemed they can place you within about 50m . This is possible as long as she still has the phone, and it does not need to be switched on. HTH

Original poster

duchesse · 18/05/2008 14:28

I get the impression that the police are sitting back for a few days and waiting. They may well be able to trace her down to the nearest metre, but they are probably thinking she has left home for a few days for a reason, and will come back in good time. The problem I suppose is that nobody really knows how the illness is affecting her mental health, whether that makes her a lot vulnerable or just a bit more vulnerable, and whether she is still thinking clearly. She is not really a sharing sort of person.

OP posts:

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