Parent of AuDHD children - help please!

[HappyShaker]

Sorry for rambling post.

DD10 has ADHD & Autism (as do I). She has support at school. Most of the time with adjustments we manage her behaviour & support her development. She is a lovely girl, fantastic artist & she has a lovely small but close group of friends.

Today we were walking home and I said to DD we need to take x route home (it's 3x faster than other way home and I had to get back to work).

I always pre-warn because DD doesn't like this route but usually will walk it when prompted as it's the key way to and from a lot of her activities and visits to the local shops (there's a section which takes us on a 2 min walk on a bridge over the dual carriage way).

When I pre-warned her today that we would be taking this the route, she had a meltdown, yanking my arm down, blocking my path and clutching on my clothes. She almost pushed me into the road. She's very tall for her age and she hurt my shoulder twice with the yanking, pulling and pushing. In the moment I said 'you're hurting me' and 'this is the quickest way home' but stuck to it. I was torn what to do - I don't want to give in to her behaviour but also can see she's having a meltdown.

Another Dad intervened and distracted her by racing up the hill with her which diffused the situation. DD was immediately emotional and felt guilty, wanted lots of hugs.

I'm upset & feel like a failure as a parent. I don't know how to handle this after growing up with violence at home I freeze/panic inside. Any tips please to handle this in the moment.

Something similar happened when she didn't get a toy she wanted she pushed me into an aisle in Tesco about a year ago. To reiterate - we're not pushovers at home - behaviour has consequences and she's off devices for a week for this & we've talked to her this evening but I don't how to handle the in the moment. Dread to think how it looked.

I would have let her walk the other way home. You’re not “giving in” to bad behaviour - this is her disability. Her impulse control is poor/non existent. She can’t control her reaction once she’s in that state.

I say this as a mum of an auDHD daughter too. I say it, but I fail myself most of the time and end up on the receiving end like you did! It’s hard to remember that she isn’t being naughty and you’re not allowing bad behaviour. Sod what other people think

That sounds a tough situation. My ASD daughter has meltdowns at that age but didn't push us, she would just freeze and cry. Has your daughter had therapy to give her tools on how to handle her meltdowns? If she hasn't this might be worth a try. Therapy has helped my daughter a lot with her anxiety and panic attacks.

I completely agree with the first reply - there's a good reason for her why that route is alarming, even if she can't explain it to you. You wouldn't be "giving in" to her, you'd be understanding the thing that she is communicating to you, with her behaviour if not with words.

I understand those responding that they would have let her walk the other way but this is not always possible otherwise you would have done so I'm sure.

Generally I like to start signposting early, so perhaps the night before, then again before school, so that it's less sudden.

You mention a dual carriage way, would it be possible to take some noise cancelling headphones on this route and see if this helps your child?

This.

You are not 'giving in' to a child in meltdown- you need to be able to validate her response. Please don't punish an ASD/ADHD child for something out of their control.
I assume you will have been (forced on) parenting courses and researched your child's conditions extensively. The best advice we were ever given was: The child cannot change who they are, you have to change your responses and the environment around them.
Not always easy.