AIBU to be surprised by tween manners?

[AmIturningintomymother]

Seriously, I think I actually am becoming my mother. Maybe my expectations are just out of step with society today?

This afternoon I gave a lift (unexpectedly, due to another parent being caught in bad traffic) to two tweens who take part in an activity with my DD. I had arranged this with their parents before the activity ended, so I explained to them at pick up that I was giving them a lift home. They literally didn’t acknowledge me and just walked past me into the car, talking very loudly between themselves for the whole journey before getting out of the car without a goodbye or thank you. AIBU to have expected… I don’t know. A nod or a goodbye? Their parents are really nice people so it hasn’t come from them. Am I just a dinosaur?

I think the people who had a greater reason to thank you were their parents, but it would have been nice for them also to do so.

Sounds like they were busy chatting.

I'd be more concerned that they got in to my car without prior arrangement.

This is totally against all the safeguarding I've taught my children.

They didn't use manners but you could have just reminded them. Tweens is what, 10, 11?

Not at all being unreasonable. My kids always say thank you, please etc and they are 7 and 5

It’s their friend’s mum, what do you think she’s going to do?

It’s not a random from the street!

When I have attempted this in the past, DD has been furious with me for embarrassing her. And to be honest, I don’t want her to have to take a social hit because other people aren’t saying please and thank you - it’s nothing to do with her. (So I’m judging silently instead, which is much more mature, obviously.)

Reminding them, that is - not having children in my car without prior agreement, you understand.

I think that obviously they should have been politer, but that it's not that unusual for that age to be both very self-absorbed and very literal, and so that they probably didn't think about the fact you were going out of your way, and if they did considered it to be a favour for their parents not them. I think they'll probably grow up into normal, averagely polite adults.

Of course they should have been more polite!

What's this race to the bottom attitude, oh they were probably chatting?

Yeah, and they can stop when someone does them a favor, and say hello and thanks?!?!

My life

I disagree, most children are harmed by someone they know. Hard and fast rules work best with children, would a dad or an uncle be OK if the kid knows them? What about the dodgy neighbour from across the road who sees them walking home and offers a lift?

My children are older now but would not have got in a car even with someone they know without checking with me or dad first.

make sure your daughter knows you would be furious if she did that to a friend’s parent giving her a lift.
and rightly so. I would expect a 6 year old to be capable of saying thank you. Who do they think they are. Hollywood A listers being chauffeured about in a limo?

I don’t think this is usual at all. I find young people just gorgeous nowadays, so much kinder and more confident and caring than the bear pit of the 80s!

I definitely have done. I don’t think DD’s manners are always perfect either but I hope she wouldn’t do this.

Was your DD in the car with them? I remember being very shy with adults I didn’t know really well as a kid, although by that age I think I would have managed a “thanks for the lift, bye”. The lack of stopping talking to just acknowledge you was pretty rude. I mean, you can’t expect “it’s so kind of you to give us a lift, i really appreciate it” kind of thing an adult might say but I think it’s reasonable to expect a hi and bye and not to be completely ignored! I’d be annoyed too. I’d never tell another child off though/to mind their manners etc - other than my own DC & nieces nephews

Not my experience and I would be annoyed too. We car pool for an activity that occurs twice a week with 2 other families, the teens thank us every single time without fail, and I have no doubt my son does when he’s taken by them. I wish they would close the car door more gently though 😂

YANBU I've had this with a group of adults never mind tweens.

They're being dragged-up, as opposed to raised I guess. I just focus on my own kids and make sure they're polite and say their pleases and thank yous. Imagine you raised a kid who didn't thank someone for a lift?

I think it's sometimes self-consciousness.

We had this with very "well brought up" children - they would clam up completely as soon as their parents were out of earshot. They are grown up now, have found their voices and are normal polite people. Their parents have no idea I gave them lifts for years with never a word of thanks.

I do laugh when someone says their 7 year old says thank you so of course someone else's 14 year old should. These things are not linear, but with my DD's friends they come good in the end. And how a self conscious teen behaves in front of a parent is not the same as what they will do without them there.

I wouldn’t expect that to be honest - it’s definitely ruder than average. I give a lot of lifts having 4dc and generally all kids say thanks for the lift. Even if they don’t interact other than that at all, without fail they will say that before getting out of the car.

I actually agree with this - sometimes kids to whom I give lifts are completely silent, perhaps out of shyness. I don’t think that’s unusual, and I could understand that a bit more. But these ones were very vocal and were conducting a loud conversation which was definitely meant for the two of them only rather than anyone else in the car. Shyness wasn’t the first thing which sprang to mind, but I could of course be wrong.

Honestly I think shyness is a pretty poor excuse either way, my extremely socially awkward AuADHD son can and always will say thank you, it won’t be with eye contact, it’ll be quick and awkward, but it’ll be there!

The kids in your scenario were rude and they should have thanked you but in my experience I find tweens and teens fairly polite and certainly not ruder than any other generation.

For example I walk a route which passes a community centre and a secondary school. If I step aside for the kids to pass I get thanked. The walking group from the community centre made up of pensioners don't even acknowledge me when I step on the grass so they can walk 3 abreast.

Same with cyclists. The teens thank me but the adults blank me or ring their bells at me to move (this is on pavements not shared spaces).

To put it more succintly age and manners rarely have much in common!

YANBU, this was so rude of them!

No that's fair, I am probably guilty of not digesting your OP properly before replying.