Should I try harder to fit in at work?

[user9088900]

I work in a team of 8 and we all get on ok but I feel that the rest of the team get on better with each other than I do with them.
It doesn't usually bother me but the past few weeks I have felt that maybe I should try harder and that i might come across a bit stand offish.
Here's some of the reasons why

They have a work WhatsApp group which I am not in, I like to keep work and home life separate so choose not to join.
They go to the pub together after work
They all contribute to collections which I don't
They chat about their personal lives where as I tend to not talk about myself and just get on with my work

I don't know why I am letting it bother me as I know that work is just work but I don't have many friends out of work and was thinking that something is wrong with me.

If it's bothering you then yes, you probably should try harder.

If it's not, just carry on as you were.

Well yes you definitely come across as though you're not interested in being close to them, so they're quite rightly respecting your space. If you don't like to mix personal and work stuff, are you sure you actually want things to change? It sounds like you've set your boundaries and they've defined the relationships as a result, which is fine if that's what you want. If you want it to change, maybe ask to be in the WhatsApp group as a start?

Well it's up to you. But you can't really have it both ways - either you are keeping yourself at a distance, and as such, probably aren't as well liked. Or you want to make an effort and become more friendly. You say you don't have many friends outside of work, so potentially that is because you keep people at arms length. You sound a bit sad about not having many friends. But then if that's the case, surely you would have made the effort to make some at work?

You might find it hard to befriend them now you've ignored previous efforts though.

I voted YANBU because it’s entirely your choice to participate in any of the social drinks etc at work but YABU if you think that you can refrain from doing those types of things and still expect to be friends with anyone. Your colleagues are giving you a wide berth because that’s apparently your preference.

This is quite sad to read OP. Is there are a reason you have put up these barriers. I understand some like to keep work very separate from private life, but it sounds like you have similar concerns there too.

Well, if you choose to isolate yourself you can't really complain when people stop bothering.

Maybe making more of an effort could be helpful. You could ask for instance about what does the team collect for apart from birthdays. Contributing might be useful, you could ask about being included when they next go to the pub. You might find they are a bit more friendlier.

Be nice to people on your way up, you might need them on your way down.

Tricky, is there a way to ask if you can join them at the pub one evening? Or even suggest a meet up yourself? There might be people in the group who enjoy being social but might be grateful of another quieter person to talk to?

I don’t think you need to change anything OP.

Apart from contributing to collections which I always do, I wouldn’t join in with general gossip type chit chat or drinks in the pub as I prefer to keep my work and home life separate. I’ll ask if X had a good weekend or how their new baby is doing but I won’t join in with moaning about people at work in other depts. etc.

I think it can become very awkward when inevitably someone in the group falls out and other people are expected to take sides. That doesn’t bode well for a harmonious working environment.

Plus you’ll never see me even slightly tipsy with work colleagues because I want to maintain a good professional reputation at all times.

How long have you been there?

What do you put down to also not having many friends outside of work too?

You say it's 'just work' but the reality is most of us spend more of our waking hours with work colleagues than with friends and family. So why not build a relationship with them? They're pretty significant people in your life.

What's the worst that can happen, give it a go.

So all the things that you need to do to build relationships and maintain friendships, you don’t want to do them???
Of course you’re not friends with them.
You don’t do any of the things that makes you friends rather than work acquaintances.
Friendships require shared experiences and a knowledge of the other persons real life.
You want to keep work and home separate, that’s fine, but you’re not going to make friends that way.

@user9088900 I know it might seem that posers are piling on to you, but the answers are in your first post.

You don't engage with your colleagues, you put barriers up against them for socialising purposes, you probably make them think you dislike them, so it's no surprise that they don't include you.

You have to let people in if you want to become close to them. They aren't toys that you can put back on the shelf when you don't feel like playing with them. Friendships need to be nurtured.

Well you’ve not tried very hard on this thread OP 😂