Why does this happen when I'm in groups?

[Notyomama]

I'd love to figure out what it is about me that causes this phenomenon, so any insight welcome.

If I'm in a group what often ends up happening is that if there's conflict, people come to me and try to get me to figure it out, almost like I'm a parental figure. A side-effect of that is people care far too much about what I think and get upset if I seem annoyed or am not friendly enough towards them. I've also ended up with people turning against me while others form allegiances with me - it's so weird and I've never wanted any of it. I've avoided groups for this reason.

A few years ago I joined an amateur dramatic group, one that's long established, has a way of doing things and runs pretty well. We do two performances a year. I've deliberately kept my head down, not joined the organising committee, not spoken up when issues arise etc. I just want to go, do my bit parts and have some fun. The director, out of the blue, suddenly asked me to head the committee recently. I'm not even on the committee - I can't just waltz in and head it up. I declined and said I might consider joining the committee first (I don't want to). Then there was an issue with one of the performances and someone came to me complaining about it as though she expected me to deal with it. I calmed her down but didn't really do anything. Director came back to me recently and started complaining about the current committee, detailing what he thinks is wrong etc. It's clear he wants me to fix it. Why?? It was obvious to others in the group that that director was bitching to me - someone mentioned us having 'secret chats' which is just giving me flashbacks to previous times when similar things have happened. I don't want to get embroiled in politics - I tried my best not to! Why does this happen???

The last thing I want is for the committee to get wind of some stupid coup where the director is pushing me forward to get them out of the way. I suppose I'll just have to talk to him and tell him what I'm worried about - that risks bad blood with him, so I can't win really.

Any advice? Should I just accept that I can't be around groups?

Tricky situation!

Perhaps you emanate kindness, calm and wisdom, and people just feel safe and comfortable talking to you?

Never mind the director of the group, just keep telling him that you do not want to be head of the committee.

Keep your head down, and keep enjoying the group.

That's a nice comment! I'd like to think I'm kind and calm but I don't think I am really. I have kept so quiet and said so little that I don't know how anyone has any opinion on me - maybe I just look like I know what I'm doing? To be clear, I do not.

Happens to me every time I join something too. I don’t think most people want to be on the steering group of things, so there’s always vacancies, and those on the committees are always manoeuvring to get their way, so keen to recruit support for their “side”. I always make it very clear I m not interested in taking on n a role, but then you get the emotional blackmail that “Oh, well, then the group might have to close if no one steps up.” Interested in any strategies to deal with this.

Oh boy… this sounds familiar. Similar with me but with a side of people like the idea of getting me to organize things but don’t like the consequences of me.

Let’s just say I tend to have a strong personality but I get shit done.

‘I’ve learned to redirect my personality into ducking committees and projects.

I’d just keep repeating what you said here to everyone trying to get you to engage. “This is a fun thing that I do, I’m going to keep it fun by showing up, doing my parts and not getting involved in any committees”

I'm glad it's not just me! I can't figure out what it is that prompts this behaviour because I think I'm just staying out of the way and not being too visible, but clearly that's not the case.