How to decide between big career opportunity or second child?

[dreamsiclex]

I’m 25 years old and had my first child when I was 20. I always wanted to be a mum from a young age and envisioned having two or more children. When our DD was born, I suffered from postnatal depression during the first year and really struggled. Honestly, it wasn’t until she was about two that I truly found my rhythm and started to enjoy and embrace motherhood. Around that time, I also started thinking about having a second child. But if I’m being honest, the fear of feeling the way I did during that first year really scared me—I didn’t want to go through that again. So, we put off having another, and for a while, we decided we would just stick with one.
Now, fast forward to today, and our DD is five. I have an amazing career opportunity waiting for me, which involves going to university for a year to study. This is a job I’ve wanted since I was pregnant, and finally, the opportunity has come up—I'm due to start this summer.
I don’t know why, but all of a sudden, I can’t stop thinking about having a second child. I know I could focus on my career and we could try later, but realistically, our DD would be seven or eight by then, and the age gap just seems too big. I don’t want to have regrets when I’m older—especially not about big life choices like children versus career.
Realistically, if I turn down this career opportunity, it might not come around again—or if it does, it could be many years down the line.
For what it’s worth, my DP is in a very strong financial position, but I wanted this career for myself—something no one could take away from me, something I’d always have.
He is very supportive and would love another child, but he’s also happy for me to focus on my career.

So, I guess the question is—how do you decide? Am I being unreasonable for overthinking this too much?

5 year age gap is already large, and you’re still young, so in your situation would take the career and training opportunity and get the better job, then reflect about ttc more DC.

You say DP rather than DH: if you’re not married then your personal earning ability is vital.

I'd take the career opportunity without a second thought.

It sounds like you might be self-sabotaging... are you really nervous about the course/the work, and mentally trying to find reasons to opt out without actually saying 'I don't want this after all'?

I think you decide by thinking about what's in your existing child's best interests. An educated mum, more resources, more financial stability, or you having a baby? I would wager it's the former.

Also you mention DP... does this mean you're unmarried? If so, you absolutely have to choose the training and career. You have no financial protection and are reliant on a man who could up and leave anytime, and only have financial responsibilities towards your shared child, none towards you. You're in a very vulnerable position and I would strongly encourage you to take the course and career, and get married. If you're not married because he won't, you have bigger problems.

Thank you for your replies. I think they’ve confirmed what I felt deep down, but I didn’t want to make the wrong decision and end up with regrets. It doesn’t help that people around me keep saying things like, “When are you having another, then?” or “The age gap’s getting bigger,” as if we aren’t already aware.
No, we’re not married, and yes, this has been on my mind too. My mum was always financially reliant on my dad—even now, when she’d probably be happier on her own, she stays for financial reasons. I never want to be in that position. While DP and I are in a strong, stable relationship, someone once told me that things can change in the blink of an eye, and that saying has always stuck with me. I’m naturally an overthinker too, and I wasn’t sure if I was overthinking this.
Yes, BlueCleaning, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head—I am self-sabotaging. Everything I’ve done in my job has been leading up to this opportunity, and now that I have it, I’m really nervous about the course and the work involved. I do want this—this is the thing—but I’m wondering if I’m actually ready for it, if that makes sense? It’s hard to tell if I’m just scared because it’s a big step in terms of responsibility.
I know I want another baby now too, and I don’t want to look back and regret not having one sooner.

Id grasp the work opportunity with both hands.
Even if you did have a baby now 6 yr old will have no interest in a baby. There's no reason not to wait a few years and have another then or 2 even!

7 or 8 year age gap is perfectly fine. Honestly, kids don’t care how old their siblings are - they’ll hate them and fight whether there is 2 or 5 or 8 years between them. In fact, if you want less fighting, 8+ years is ideal.

Go to uni, you have plenty of years for taking time out and having more kids.

I have a 5 year age gap between mine and I wouldn’t have wanted a smaller one. They were born when I was 32 & 37. In between them, I got a PhD. Dh started a business. Our salaries after baby 2 were at least double or triple what they were after 1. We had a lot more flexibility in terms of work, which meant we never had to worry about missing a sports day or a school play. We have a bigger house. They both have lots more opportunities to pursue their interests. There were no negatives at all to waiting and pursuing education and work opportunities and delaying baby 2, even in our late 30s.

It’s not unusual to have a bigger age gap when you had your first quite young. At 25 years old I would absolutely take that career opportunity. I always said I wanted both my children in my mid 20’s but I’ve realised lately that there is really no rush and I’ve decided to let go of that pressure on myself and instead do our dream house move instead. Yes, that means a bigger age gap than I wanted but I’m still only in my 20’s.

In your position I'd say go for the career at the moment as I really think you have time for both. And if the course is only a year that's really not a huge difference. Bigger age gaps can also be lovely.

OK you’re not married, so your personal earning ability is vital for you and your current DC. This trumps ttc DC2 due to your vulnerable financial and work situation, possibly housing too depending on your situation.

If your DP is truly supportive and loving he’ll seek marriage, thus properly sharing his money and increasing your and DC’s stability, in addition to supporting your career. If he’s encouraging you to ttc DC2 in your current situation that’s not a good sign about him.

others’ Qs and comments aren’t relevant.

I'd take the career opportunity.
I have a few friends with 8-9 year age gaps the kids get on brilliantly, the older one will still play with the younger, help them with school work and are fiercely protective of them. It's lovely to see.
All the best OP.

Always children over work for me

Thanks, everyone. I'm going to take the career opportunity—I know I’d be silly not to, and I’d regret it if I didn’t. I feel so much lighter after posting here and reading your responses. I just needed some helpful/honest guidance and you have all given me that.

I’ll go to uni, do the course, and then afterwards, we’ll have another baby. Like many of you said, I’m still young, and having a bigger age gap doesn’t mean anything bad. I really wish that stereotype didn’t exist.

DP is very supportive. We’ve been together since we were kids, and marriage is something we talk about and both want someday. But he’s told me to do whatever I feel is best, and he’ll support me either way—there’s no pressure from him, only from myself.

Someday is now! Please don't put off marriage any longer, if it's something you both want. And definitely don't try for a second child without tying the knot first. It's just going to make you even more vulnerable.

Good luck with the course, you'll smash it. Nobody ever really feels ready for training courses or jobs imo, because it's new! If you've been offered it, they think you can do it. There will be loads of support available, and I bet most of the others feel just as nervous and concerned.

That’s good, best of luck with the course!

Strongly advise marriage asap unless you have personal wealth/assets you’ve not mentioned!

I just want to add that it will be much more harder to do this course and embrace the career step up with 2 kids rather than 1 who is 5. Happy you are taking the leap - right decision.