Am I overreacting

[saskiaJ7]

I have a 16yr old daughter who started about 2-3years completely ignoring me but talks to her older brother (my son) and dotes on her dad (my husband). This has ended up in so many arguments with my husband who thinks I am looking out for it (I was completely ignored in my childhood so toxic issue for me). It has also made me lose a lot of confidence about being a parent. But now she is being incredibly rude to me.

Last night I went to bathroom before she was due to take a shower to brush my teeth. I also needed the toilet and was about to go when she came in and demanded I leave and use the other bathroom. I said I was going to be a few minutes and said it was unreasonable of her to expect me to go (it was said very firmly). She swore at me and grabbed her shower things and went to use the other bathroom.

When I came to bed I told my husband who literally gunned down at me and said I was picking a fight with her and I should have used the other toilet. This escalated into another fight where I said he keeps putting her above me so no wonder why she is rude to me. He standard answer is I always shift the blame onto him.

We’ve had marriage counselling and it hasn’t worked (either he says the counsellor favours me or the other way round). I am at my wits end and am seriously thinking about a divorce! I just don’t think I can put up with 2-3 yrs of this and imagine it is only going to get worse.

Has anyone gone through this? And how best to address it?

Absolutely not overreacting. She shouldn't treat you that way, and he should support you and back you up. If my children are rude to me (and none have ever been as rude as what you have described) my husband will tell them to stop instantly.

I would encourage you to take a moment, breathe, step back a little and do some thinking about whether you are treating your daughter with respect and consideration she deserves.

She is not talking to you, and your partner is backing her up. That's enough for you to really be thinking about this.

If it turns out they are both definitely being unreasonable, then you'll have to figure out how best you want to deal with that.

But first please so make sure it is not you who is being unreasonable.

We only have one instance here, told from your side - but you admit its a general feel in the household. So do some brutally honest thinking about your own actions.

Your DH is to blame for this. He should back you up and the two of you should be on the same page.

I don’t know where you go from here really. He sounds unbearable and impossible to reason with.

I think you were unreasonable in the example you gave. If you knew she was going to have a shower in that bathroom then why did you have to go to the toilet in there just before and not in the other bathroom?

What is the reason for her not talking to you? Difficult to know what is going on here, it sounds like your DD and DH are being unreasonable from what you say though.

DH should come down like a tonne of bricks at first sign of disrespect

To be honest, the bathroom argument is just the tip of the iceberg isn't it? What's going on here between you and your daughter? It's very unusual for her to not speak to you for 2 to 3 years. I'd be so concerned about this and need to get to the bottom of it. It sounds like you've got stuck in a loop of resentment and bad feeling.

Are you the parent who tries to institute discipline in the household? Does your husband never challenge her and let her get away with bad behaviour? If so, this is very unfair. Your daughter needs 2 parents who present a united front and are on the same page in terms of expectations. He is letting her down by allowing this situation to continue. It's not a healthy living situation for anyone.

It sounds like you've tried to address this with him and he's not stepping up. Have you reached a point where you feel splitting up is the only answer?

I would try very hard to improve the relationship with your daughter. Ask her where she thinks things have gone wrong and really be prepared to listen. Tell her you love her and want to mend the relationship and be a loving and supportive mum. Parenting teens is hard and becomes more of a negotiation than laying down the law. How is she doing at school?

Thanks everyone with all your opinions. I totally agree this is one sided and I am sure if my daughter and husband were here they would say something completely different. I do not doubt that I have been disrespectful to my daughter at points but have always tried to talk to her to mend the relationship. However it’s the behaviour of my husband that I am struggling with more.

Endofyear - you are absolutely right - the bathroom issue was the tip of the iceberg. Both my daughter and my husband are very similar - very academic; very good arguers but very critical and perfectionist. To the point where they both have to cook dinner (I’m not allowed to). It’s so bad that I have to hang the washing it load and unload the dishwasher when my husband is not there as he will tell me I am doing it all wrong! I wonder whether the similar personality is behind him not calling her out. He only disciplines her if she is disrespectful to him. He supports her when she tells me I am eating too loud (she has told me she has misophonia so the fault lies with me). I really do try very hard and am now trying to eat quieter.

Just to clarify when she ignores me when she comes in from school or when she cooks with her dad she chats to her him but doesn’t say a word to me. When we all sit down for dinner she continues talking to her dad and my son but never makes conversation to me. I frequently ask questions which she replies bluntly. I have definitely approached this very badly and emotionally as it one of my triggers from my childhood. I take it very personally but I always talk to her afterwards to try to see what is going wrong. I have always tried very hard with my children having come from an abused childhood

Her answer is I am playing the victim; I have never supported her; I favour my son over her. I am looking for reasons to get angry with her. Most of these are what my husband says to me.

I completely agree that I have done many things wrong and I lead with my emotions not my mind which catches everyone out. But I love my daughter and have been there to support her in everything she does. I read books on improving relationships to help with her and my husband. But I am now at a point where I can’t trust that my husband has my back with parenting and we are definitely not on the same page!

Wow that sounds tough. We have a VERY stroppy teenage daughter and she definitely gives me a lot more attitude than my husband (her dad). However, he is also on the receiving end sometimes so can appreciate what it feels like for me and is always on my side in dealing with her.
Talking to your husband about how it makes you feel - both when your daughter kicks off and when he blames you/doesn’t support you is all you can do. Ask him for help in coming up with strategies of how to deal with things in future, and how you can act as a team. But I don’t blame you for feeling like it’s a relationship deal breaker for you.

I think you have a serious DH problem. He is allowing your DD to disrespect her mum and he is reveling in it. Covert bully. As for her, match her energy. Don’t facilitate life for her anymore.