Advice please | Mumsnet

worriedsickson19 · 2025-04-30T07:58:47+00:00

Very long story, so I apologise, will try not to drip feed, but there are years and years of back story to this. 19yr old son lives 50:50 with me and my ex (his dad) He finished school last year and went to college, dropped out after 4 months and won’t get a job as my ex MIL is giving him huge amounts of cash to live off whilst he “finds himself” For info : In Laws are Millionaires and give my ex and my kids huge amounts of money (think flash cars, Dubai holidays, Rolex watches etc) They and ex hub are very very difficult. Have defrauded me out of money and didn’t think twice about protecting my DS when he hit a parked car and left the scene. They are entitled and narcissistic, throw money at all problems and buy in all help. At my house he helps to walk the dog and does some chores. I am trying to help him become a capable adult, but scared he will choose to go and live with his Dad for an easier life if I push him anymore re chores/getting a job/college. I am struggling financially, and now I no longer get the pittance from his Dad, it’s even harder. DS is registered to vote at mine and as my DS is no longer a student I have lost my single person council rebate t which is pushing me over the edge financially. I have asked ex to register him at his house, he has refused and said he will register with my ex in laws as they already pay full council tax in my eyes this is fraud, teaching my DS how to avoid paying what is only right to the council. I am also struggling with the huge food bills as he is a gym goer. I can’t ask him for rent as he doesn’t earn, I don’t want to ask him to live full time at his Dads as there won’t be any balance of influence from that side of the family and mine, but I am so worried about money I am making myself sick. advice please?

Mulledjuice · 30/04/2025 09:02

I can’t ask him for rent as he doesn’t earn ask him for rent and he'll need to find the money.

Have you asked your ex/his family for support with either encouraging DS into work or education, or maintenance for him?

DenholmElliot11 · 30/04/2025 09:03

I'm not sure what advice you're after here to be honest.

Children become adults and then all the child related payments stop.
Have you not planned for any of this?

Original poster

worriedsickson19 · 30/04/2025 09:18

I can’t work out how to reply to individual posts, can anyone help? thanks

OP posts:

Eggsinthewhoopsiebasketalready · 30/04/2025 09:21

Maybe op planned on her ds getting a job and paying his way?

Agix · 30/04/2025 09:49

Sounds like his in laws can get him in his place.

Original poster

worriedsickson19 · 30/04/2025 11:20

I can’t ask him for rent as he doesn’t earn ask him for rent and he'll need to find the money.
Have you asked your ex/his family for support with either encouraging DS into work or education, or maintenance for him?
Hi thanks for the reply- the money he has is gifted from my ex MIL, very contentious to ask for some of that money unfortunately.
I have tried asking them to stop giving him money, they are happy for him to do nothing “whilst he is young”

OP posts:

Original poster

worriedsickson19 · 30/04/2025 11:35

I'm not sure what advice you're after here to be honest.
Children become adults and then all the child related payments stop.
Have you not planned for any of this?
Hi, thanks for the reply, yes I had a plan, my DS would be at college, therefore I would be paying 25% less council tax and he would have a part time job, which means if required, I would ask for some dig money. As he has dropped out of college and doesn’t earn, I am now in difficulty

OP posts:

SkaneTos · 30/04/2025 12:16

worriedsickson19 · 30/04/2025 09:18

I can’t work out how to reply to individual posts, can anyone help? thanks

I usually respond to a poster by quoting them (press "Quote" on their post).

One can also "tag" the poster you want to respond to. You do that by writing an @ and then chose the right name from the list.

SkaneTos · 30/04/2025 12:20

@worriedsickson19

Can you and your son sit down and talk about the whole situation?
He is an adult, and you and him are a family in the same household, so you should be able to talk about money.

Good luck!

Hoohaz · 30/04/2025 12:29

At 19, he is an adult and the only way he will learn about money is if he is told and taught. Sit down with him and ask him what his plans are - a job? Travelling? Back to college/uni? Tell him whatever it is you will support him, but he needs to pick a direction and set sail rather than bobbing along rudderless and wasting his youth. Does he want to be his grandparent's pet forever or does he want to be his own man?

Also sit down and go through household expenses. Tell him this is what it costs to run the house (rent/mortgage, council tax, water, electricity, phone, petrol, insurance, MOTs, food, tv licence, subscriptions, broadband etc). Currently his only expenses are gym and phone, so he probably hasnt given much though to the rest. Tell him that he needs to learn to budget. Tell him what the food budget is for a week and plan your meals with him the get him to do the food shop.

If his dad/grandparents have no concept of money, he won't magically learn this on his own, you need to teach him. Very few young people have any idea about bills until they have to. Start teaching and start him budgeting.

Mulledjuice · 30/04/2025 12:48

Hoohaz · 30/04/2025 12:29

At 19, he is an adult and the only way he will learn about money is if he is told and taught. Sit down with him and ask him what his plans are - a job? Travelling? Back to college/uni? Tell him whatever it is you will support him, but he needs to pick a direction and set sail rather than bobbing along rudderless and wasting his youth. Does he want to be his grandparent's pet forever or does he want to be his own man?

Also sit down and go through household expenses. Tell him this is what it costs to run the house (rent/mortgage, council tax, water, electricity, phone, petrol, insurance, MOTs, food, tv licence, subscriptions, broadband etc). Currently his only expenses are gym and phone, so he probably hasnt given much though to the rest. Tell him that he needs to learn to budget. Tell him what the food budget is for a week and plan your meals with him the get him to do the food shop.

If his dad/grandparents have no concept of money, he won't magically learn this on his own, you need to teach him. Very few young people have any idea about bills until they have to. Start teaching and start him budgeting.

Exactly this.

If you don't ask him for money because he doesn't have a job then there isn't much incentive for him to get a job until he's spent all the money his dad's family have given him.

Maitri108 · 30/04/2025 12:52

OP he's an adult and he needs to either study or get a job. You need to explain to him that you need help with bills and can't manage.

ginasevern · 30/04/2025 13:36

I know you don't want to do this OP, and I really really understand why. But rather than make yourself sick with worry could you not pack your son off to your in laws? This would take the financial burden off you and after a while they might just realise that him loafing around the house isn't such a wonderful idea after all. Just a thought.

Original poster

worriedsickson19 · 30/04/2025 13:49

Hoohaz · 30/04/2025 12:29

At 19, he is an adult and the only way he will learn about money is if he is told and taught. Sit down with him and ask him what his plans are - a job? Travelling? Back to college/uni? Tell him whatever it is you will support him, but he needs to pick a direction and set sail rather than bobbing along rudderless and wasting his youth. Does he want to be his grandparent's pet forever or does he want to be his own man?

Also sit down and go through household expenses. Tell him this is what it costs to run the house (rent/mortgage, council tax, water, electricity, phone, petrol, insurance, MOTs, food, tv licence, subscriptions, broadband etc). Currently his only expenses are gym and phone, so he probably hasnt given much though to the rest. Tell him that he needs to learn to budget. Tell him what the food budget is for a week and plan your meals with him the get him to do the food shop.

If his dad/grandparents have no concept of money, he won't magically learn this on his own, you need to teach him. Very few young people have any idea about bills until they have to. Start teaching and start him budgeting.

Thanks for your reply, I have sat him down, been through all my finances with him and explained that unlike the other side of the family, I have a donate resource and can’t keep on with this!

OP posts:

Original poster

worriedsickson19 · 30/04/2025 13:50

Maitri108 · 30/04/2025 12:52

OP he's an adult and he needs to either study or get a job. You need to explain to him that you need help with bills and can't manage.

I have told him this, I have pleaded with his Dad and ex MIL to stop giving him money as there is no incentive to do either study or a job, but they won’t stop

OP posts:

Maitri108 · 30/04/2025 13:51

worriedsickson19 · 30/04/2025 13:50

I have told him this, I have pleaded with his Dad and ex MIL to stop giving him money as there is no incentive to do either study or a job, but they won’t stop

Show quote history

Then he needs to move out. You can't afford to keep him there.

Original poster

worriedsickson19 · 30/04/2025 13:53

ginasevern · 30/04/2025 13:36

I know you don't want to do this OP, and I really really understand why. But rather than make yourself sick with worry could you not pack your son off to your in laws? This would take the financial burden off you and after a while they might just realise that him loafing around the house isn't such a wonderful idea after all. Just a thought.

This is what ex MIL really wants, she wants my ex to move back with her and wants my DS to move in with her and then she will have everything she wants. It won’t do my DS any good to be there and be waited on, beliefs about right from wrong being enforced daily, getting constant reinforcement that he doesn’t need to study or work. Yes, I will be less stressed financially, but it will be terrible for him as a human

OP posts:

Namechangetry · 30/04/2025 14:01

DS is registered to vote at mine and as my DS is no longer a student I have lost my single person council rebate t which is pushing me over the edge financially. I have asked ex to register him at his house, he has refused and said he will register with my ex in laws as they already pay full council tax in my eyes this is fraud, teaching my DS how to avoid paying what is only right to the council.

Sorry I'm not really seeing how registering him at his dad's so you can get single person council tax is fine, but registering him at his grandparents so his dad can do the same is teaching him fraud?

FunMustard · 30/04/2025 14:03

Because he lives half the time at each address.

Nina1013 · 30/04/2025 14:21

You want him to get a job to give you money, is what this screaming. I absolutely agree with you that he needs a purpose, but unfortunately you don’t have the influence to be able to drive him into that realisation, it appears.

However, if you can’t afford the council tax or his food then yes, he needs to move out. Where he goes is not something you get to have a say in, but really he doesn’t sound like he’s got any drive whatsoever so he’s going to take the easy path in life - which as you say, leads to his grandparents’ house. Either he goes now, or he goes later - the only difference will be how much debt you’re in from struggling on in the meantime.