Going no contact with In laws

[Spapple182]

Previously posted about ILs moving near. They’ve been totally dismissive of how family dynamics are when they are close. Only their view of things acceptable and how I perceive the impact of the move was totally irrelevant. They expect visits (though they don’t say this outright, DH feels guilty to not visit so does go there). Tried to have conversations with them but they don’t see it necessary to talk. Am I unreasonable to want to go NC for my mental wellbeing? DH wants to maintain contact with DC’s and his parents (visiting once every few weeks). I don’t particularly want children to be in contact due to their toxic disregard but feel that it would be wrong to intervene with this in any way even though I feel dismissed and unheard by in laws.

DH understands some of the toxic dynamics in his family but his actions are showing to me that he wants to please his parents and conform to their needs as much as he can without causing upset to me.

How best to manage this without compromising my mental wellbeing and not allowing my children to be sucked into toxic family dynamics such as feeling guilt for not visiting, or guilt of not performing to their needs?

Not sure what’s actually gone on as you’ve not really given specific info but I’ve gone NC recently with mine after years and years of narc behaviour from MIL. Years of insults and manipulation tactics.

even though my DH knows what she’s like, he has very little family and wants to work on their relationship and has suggested family counselling (for them). As it’s his mum I’ve said he can decide a way forward and I’ll support. She will still have a relationship with DC while it continues to be healthy but that will be them visiting her home rather than her coming here. I feel a weight has been lifted tbh

I recall your previous thread. Your in-laws haven't actually done anything other than move close to you, have they?

I mean you're trying to blame them for your husband feeling obligated to visit, but you admitted that they're not asking him to visit more often. That's on him, not them.

How old are your children? What do the ILs do, that is unacceptable?

Your dcs popping in to see your ILs with your dh, once every two weeks, doesn't sound too much of an overhead. If they are teens, then tell them they don't have to go if they have other commitments. You don't have to go with them.

The fact is, they are your dh's and your DC's family. Your dcs may like their grandparents.

What’s the actual problem with them ?

I don't think anyone is going to be able to say whether you're being unreasonable unless you explain what ILs have done

You don’t say what this toxic behaviour is so difficult to comment. Why are you so bothered about the impact on you and why do you need to have a conversation with them? They can live where they want to. If your DH wants to visit his own parents then this is not your business. Every few weeks seems reasonable if they live near. At least they aren’t expecting daily visits like my MIL needed/wanted.

Dont make things more difficult for your DH by putting him in a position where he has to choose. If you want to go NC though that is no one’s business but yours. I don’t think you should stop your DC going with your DH if they want to unless there is some huge backstory about this so called toxic dynamics.

You already are NC though, right? DH and the children see his parents and you stay home? Just leave it at that for everyone's sake, including your own. No need for any big NC announcement or gesture.
You do what feels right for you without making your DH and children feel guilty for continuing the relationship. The children are not going to be harmed by visiting every couple/few weeks with their dad but they will be if you continue to make this a 'pick me' situation. Obsessing about your inlaws the way you have been isn't helping your mental wellbeing either, so enjoy your alone time and do something fun when DH and the children go visit.

Here's the link to the prior thread from earlier this month, because having multiple posts with different bits of the story and no link at least is plain annoying

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5315430-family-moving-near?page=1

I’m sure they won’t be hanging around your place because they know you don’t like them, so your husband and the kids can go by themselves to visit them . You shouldn’t stop the grandkids from having a relationship with them.

Thanks @GravyBoatWars. They’ve done absolutely nothing wrong @Spapple182 and going NC would be a huge and damaging overreaction. If my DH went NC with my parents because I visited them every few weeks (which is what - 12 times a year?) I would seriously contemplate my marriage.

I remember your last thread, I thought you were unreasonable then and I still haven't been swayed.
They haven't done anything wrong and I feel for your husband for you putting him in this position. They are his parents, his close family. Step back from the situation and act calmly and maturely.

Can you give some examples of their toxic behaviour?

This, there is none according to the previous thread other than op, being unhappy how the in-laws haven't explored the benefits to her of them moving near?
It's confusing to me as it doesn't even seem that they want daily contact, just dh and the dc plan to pop in every couple of weeks?
What is the issue @Spapple182?

Have they moved in yet or are they still in the process of buying/moving?

You detailed all your concerns in your previous thread. Is what you feared already happening? How often did your DH visit his parents when they lived far away? Your PILs have said that nothing will change, so if your DH sticks to the previous schedule for visiting with your children, that should be OK.

However, if they try and criticise you to your DH and/or your children, then you would be reasonable to stop your children visiting.

@UsernameTalk manipulation of family members is the main one (and complete lack of awareness of self and the impact this has on others). And speaking about family members behind their backs in order to isolate them and control an agenda or outcome (particularly if a person in the family doesn’t agree with their plans/wants). There’s been previous and current mistreatment of family members too. Speaking badly of people in the family. Denying any fault for negative outcomes which they’ve had a role in bringing about.

That’s all extremely vague. Can you give us specific examples of stuff they’ve actually done? As it honestly just sounds like you don’t like them. In which case, YABVVU to consider keeping their DGC away from them for no concrete reason.

Can you give an actual example, even one?

YOU don't need anyone's permission to say you will no longer contact them and that your husband sees his family on his own.

I would severely limit his visits with the children and tell him crack on himself.

OP, get some counselling for yourself and figure out how this is going to impact your marriage, because it will.

Then you can establish your boundaries with your husband too and stick to them.

Your mental health is far more important than his toxic parents, to your children, so you have to protect it.

Endless discussion serves no purpose.
Tell him you are done with them and do not wish to discuss them futher.

If he wishes to let this destroy the marriage then that is his choice, but mind your health.

I think you need to seek some counselling to help you live as part of your family.

‘Let them’, Mel Robbins, would be a good book/podcast to read.

You really can't control where people choose to live. Given your hate, I am surprised you married your husband, knowing that you need to live as part of this family.

This all sounds like paranoia but I presume there is more evidence than what you are putting on here so unless you say,what they are people may think you need professional help with it

You sound angry and scared OP but I can’t get a sense of what they have done, only how you perceive it. What does your DH think is happening? Are DC fond of the grandparents?

Some of this is familiar from the dynamics amongst my in-laws. My advice would be to try to make sure you and DH are in agreement on your approach, accepting that it will probably involve some compromise. I wouldn't push for more than he's comfortable with as you need his support and otherwise risk ending up the bad guy.

I'd also try posting this on the Relationships board. That kind of family dynamic was new to me and if you haven't experienced it before I think it's quite hard to relate to. All the best, OP.

I recommend toxic in-laws by Susan forward. See if you relate to anything in there. Good to compare and get perspective. And if you relate to stuff in there it has advice