Inappropriate elderly dad

[ThisRareRubyPoet]

Forgive me for long post but need to get off chest my dad always been quite lewd, he’s 78. Long sad story short my lovely mum had cancer and died late last year, obviously leaving me my sister and dad devastated. He now lives alone with limited mobility.
start of story is when my mum was alive and unwell he one day told me I looked nice in the (thin) jumper I was wearing, I felt uncomfortable and went into the kitchen and he shuffled in and followed me and tried to touch my boobs and I shot round and told him to get off me and obviously felt absolutely shocked. A little while after he came up behind me and touched my bum and I shouted at him. All thoughts running through my mind and one of them to go and tell me mum but then sensibly realised I could never do that.
my sister lives a long way away and occasionally comes up to visit and take over any care my dad gets from (reduced work hours to help him before this) and I cannot remember how we got on the subject but she said after a lot of difficulty that when she was last up she was bending over dusting and he said she would give him a hard on (that was difficult to write and for her to say) she walked out. I then told her what he had done to me and we didn’t really know what to do anyway the straw that broke the camels back was one evening just as I was leaving after cooking his dinner etc (I live 2 mins round the corner) he asked me how he could watch adult tv. I was stupidly confused and said you can watch adult tv it’s on now thinking he meant normal tv and he said 2 or 3 times no I mean pornography. I throw the controls down and walked out and proceeded to drive to other end of country to stay with my sister after writing him a 4 page letter telling him what we thought of him. He has never apologised but my sister (who’s tougher than me) called him but he said it was cocky bravado and was stupid).
he has never apologised and I went back to looking after him but keeping my distance.
my sister has visited and one afternoon when we were both there he was whispering in his bedroom and I said to her I don’t know what he’s whispering about I think he sits in there and swears and moans about everything and doesn’t want to do it in front of us he does it every evening after having a shower. She crept up to the doorway and then came back and said I think he talks to mums photo and came and sat down. He was none the wiser but then he started again and I heard him saying along the lines (I couldn’t hear exactly) but (here we go deep breath again) that he fantasises about us with no clothes on or me but definitely something along those lines. I had that punch in the gut feeling and just sat there and didn’t say anything. To her as she was leaving from there for the long drive home. I did message her and told her what I had heard and she said she will have it out with him or write him a letter and to not go there. I told my husband who is fuming.
that’s another thing since my mum died he hates my husband and would be more than happy if he never saw him struggles to say hello to him etc and my husband has now said wants nothing to do with him.
i truly believe the reason he hates my husband is because he hates the thought of me having a husband I mentioned this thought a while ago to my sister but it went by the wayside and we thought oh maybe not that’s dramatic and a bit weird to think he thinks that way . My sister when last visiting called him out on it aand asked why he was so off with my husband and my dad said we have nothing in common and have nothing to talk about(rubbish you can find something talk about for 10 mins) .
before all of this I admittedly spent too much time at my dads as I felt sorry for him and he loved it and kept saying my friends keep saying you remind them of mum etc etc and other close to the mark comments. He’s always made me feel uncomfortable and the thing that is driving me insane is I still feel sorry for him but also he makes me feel sick. I would love to not go there but he cannot look after himself well technically he can ….
I feel without having to sickeningly stand outside his bedroom door again and listen precisely to what he’s saying to himself everyday I cannot call him out on it and I don’t want it to become a witch-hunt. At the same time I feel like he sits in his room and talks to himself about it cause he can’t control himself and that makes me want to run a mile . He was always a bully to my mum and controlling but can cry at the drop of a hat etc etc .The last thing is and I’m sure people will think I’m being over the top he has a little dog we bought my mum as a puppy a. Couple of weeks before she was diagnosed and I idolise her as she reminds me of my mum and also she is lovely . If I was to take her from him (he cannot walk her) I do that twice a day I fear he would consider doing something to himself as he has cried before and said she’s all he has left etc etc.
he does not have dementia btw he is fully with it apart from his mobility so that’s not the reason he’s being a gross person. Please be mindful I know it’s really easy to say just walk away but I am not finding it that easy and things are never that simple although I wish they were.
Any similar stories or advice as to what I should do

You say your dad has always been quite lewd has he made innuendo or sexual suggestions?

This could be a sign of cognitive decline, it makes you lose your inhibitions.

I would take him to see his GP. It's perfectly understandable that you don't feel comfortable with him, you could hire a dog walker and carers.

Perhaps speak to social services about a needs assessment and take it from there.

Yes he has but that’s nothing new that’s why I don’t believe he has dementia I think he’s a bully and a has issues and the death of my mum has not helped but I will get him a drs appointment thank you

I'd be getting carers in, but I'd also be making sure they were male.

I felt so sad for you reading that, I'm glad you have your sister and wish you all the strength and love.

Thank you x

Yes, definitely get him medicably assessed and contact social services for help with care.
A local vicar became very disinhibited as he aged, and required psychiatric help.

the fact it's aimed towards you and your sister is new though? I also think he needs to see a doctor in that case as per PP.

Well I am presuming it is yes but I never spent as much time with them when my mum was alive as I do now helping care for him he may have always had those messed up feelings who knows my mind racing all the time tbh

Honestly if I was you I'd just cut him off. Fuck having to be groped and perved on

Sounds like my dad, although never has he commented anything towards me, but he’s shears thought of himself as some kind of woman magnet and would make lewed comments. He once don’t if to my best friend who was 27 at the time but he’d known her since she was about 12. He was ‘having a laugh’ but it wasn’t funny at all. Creep 🤢 (One of the many reasons I have very little contact with him - 3/4 times a year)

Anyway he’s 80 and ending up in the local psychiatric unit and the nurse tried to get me to go on a call regarding his care (he would have heard what my input was) and I refused. I did offer to have a conversation 1 to 1 with someone and would answer any questions they may have. I offered this twice but they never called.

Like you, my dad was always making lewd comments etc and I would have explained all of that to the nurse/doctor etc in order to help make a diagnosis easier potentially. I know some people who get dementia etc do chance and can act out if character and say inappropriate things etc but that’s not really them, it’s the illness. I would have made it clear that my dad wasn’t once some lovely great guy who everyone adored, he’s a narcissist, controlling, abusive and has always said inappropriate things… so I was very surprised when they didn’t get in touch because I would have though background info on his true personality would have helped a diagnosis.

Like what you said, the lewd comments have always been said so no way is dementia to blame though I’m sure he’s convinced then he’s a sweet old man…

Yes they sound very similar it’s difficult isn’t it but feels almost good to hear someone say something similar

Please don’t be a martyr- you don’t have to subject yourself to this. You have been brainwashed ( as the majority of women) to always put other people’s needs above your own. Don’t do it. Call social services. You don’t owe your dad anything - do not get manipulated by emotional blackmail. I’m also worried about this puppy being abused when you are not there. There are no limits to some men depravity.

I’m almost no contact and as I say, I refused to have any involvement as he’s been a shit dad and you reap what you sow. If I were you I’d have nothing to do with him OP but I realise that’s easier said than done maybe.

So sorry this is happening to you. I’d definitely recommend a chat with his GP as it could be the start of dementia or some sort of cognitive decline. You don’t have to put up with this just because he is your dad and is family. Abuse is abuse regardless of who it comes from. You absolutely don’t have to put yourself in any situation that makes you uncomfortable. It sounds like you have your sister on your side too. Sending love to you.

Thank you x

If anyone else sexually assaulted or sexually harassed you, you would permanently avoid them.

That said it's your father makes it even worse.

To hell with his old age, mobility issues or loneliness. He's a sexual abuser - leave him there to look after himself, it doesn't deserve anything else.

Very distressing to read so can only imagine how you must be feeling. I'd be getting (male) carers in and only (sparingly) popping in when they are there. Don't put your physical or mental welfare at risk any more. It sounds like you're grappling with sense of duty in looking after him vs protecting yourself but your own safety MUST be the priority, every single time. I'd also seek input from a therapist, the emotional side of this must be very complex and as he declines and passes away one day prep work in dealing with it now may help.

Awful.

Telling how it’s always men that start to become lewd and inappropriate once the cognitive decline begins.

I think all it does is strip away the social niceties to reveal the pervert underneath, who was always there. I know NAMALT but a bloody great proportion of them are.

My FIL is like this, as in has always made lewd jokes. He’s 83 and if he continues to get worse with it in front of my children as they are getting older now and will begin to understand things, he will be getting unceremoniously cut off.

He’s a perverted disgusting old man and I’d leave him to it , no contact .

I am a mental health nurse. Although he might not appear confused there is a specific type of dementia affecting the frontal lobes of the brain which can cause sexual disinhibition. The cognitive decline occurs later than with more common dementias. This is a possibility to consider.

I agree with other posters that I would cut him off without hesitation. He sounds like a horrible man generally, but the sexual harrassment towards his own daughters is utterly disgusting. Sexual disinhibition can be a sign of dementia but it sounds like he has always been like this and now that your mum has gone, he is turning his attention to his own daughters.

Do not feel guilty. If you care about him enough to want him to be well looked after, employ carers but don't set foot over his threshold.

It sounds similar to Pick's disease, a form of dementia, David Baddiel's father suffered from it.

I’ve dealt with many elderly like this. Sounds like he was always a closet pervert but had the cognitive ability to keep it to himself. At 78yo this function has slipped and he is becoming disinhibited, which is really common.

While this is unfortunate, and not his fault per se, there is zero reason you should have this put upon you. None whatsoever. If he needs care, then there are options. The first would be medical assessment and carers. They would need to be told male carers only would be appropriate due to his disinhibition and speech and actions with women. If medically, he doesn’t qualify for care, then you simply need to stop providing it, and if he fails so be it. Or, your DH goes around instead😁, which he may not have capacity for and is not obliged.

Never put yourself where you are in the position of being alone with him, or having to hear his fantasy speech as this is not appropriate for your health. As for the dog, either walkers come in twice a day to take it out or just take it otherwise, tell him he can’t walk it and that’s that - suggest your DH goes and does this. The dog can’t be a victim either. If that means he hurts himself, so be it unfortunately.

You are in a hard place, but need to protect yourself physically and mentally first and foremost.

OP I’m afraid this is a classic sign of some kinds of dementia. He needs a medical assessment.
So awful for you. I had something similar with an elderly relative.

My friend had a similar situation and it was the early stages of dementia. Early stages can show up as a loss of empathy, a loss of inhibitions etc and if (despite being lewd), he’d never behaved like this with you before, then it’s worth getting him assessed. Although his doctor won’t be able to speak to you directly about your dad (unless your dad has given permission), you could write to the doctor and express your concerns privately. They’ll then be on the lookout when they next see him.

With my friend, they eventually got a care package sorted and were able to stipulate ‘all male’. My friend broadly timed her visits around when the carers came so that she was never alone with him.

I'm sorry, OP, that must have been difficult to write.

It sounds like a combination of him always having been a horrible man and cognitive decline making him lose his inhibitions.

You and your sister should not be caring for him. You need to seek support from his GP and adult social services, tell them he has sexually assaulted you and made sexually inappropriate comments to your sister and that neither of you feel able to care for him anymore. He needs to be looked after by male carers. You can't put yourself in this position just so he can keep his dog.