To think that not everyone deserves therapy - some people just need to hear “you’re wrong?”

[AmusedPoet]

I absolutely believe in therapy and personal growth but not every bad attitude needs deep exploration. Sometimes people don’t need endless validation or unpacking. Sometimes they need to hear: “You’re wrong. Fix it.”

AIBU to think not every bad behaviour needs to be pathologised and “healed?”

While therapy and counselling definitely have a place, theres too much self absorption and naval gazing going on, and too little action

Just do it, make the change and do it, do the thing you need to do. Or just stop doing it, stop doing the thing you need to stop.

I get cross when someone who is clearly quite poor (in money but often also in time) is told that they need intensive therapy. At one point it was the response on loads of threads.

Therapy / counselling is not free, unless you can get it on the NHS. If someone is sort of muddling through okay then chances are it won’t be offered.

Many don’t know how or what it is.

… but the people who need to hear that they are wrong can’t hear it unless it is said the right way. (ie in therapy).
They really just can not hear it.

Therapy isn’t about curing a bad attitude or validating anything, though - it’s a personal thing which gives people insight into their problems and connected behaviours, identify triggers and emotions, and develop better coping mechanisms to overcome them. If a therapist is validating negative behaviour or telling somebody that they are completely justified in behaving poorly, that person isn’t a good therapist.

Agreed a therapist should surely be enabling them to realise themselves that they are in the wrong.

The thing is, some people have no idea what's going wrong, so by saying 'stop it' it doesn't actually help teach them the actualy things they are doing wrong!
'Stop dating terrible men' doesn't tell someone how to recognise early red flags, recognise how their own behaviour means they let their guard down too easily etc etc

It's not really about whether or not they 'deserve' therapy. It's not something you earn. They may or may not NEED therapy to realise where/why they're going wrong and how to make a long term fix. It depends on the individual person.

I agree that not everyone NEEDS therapy though. Some people are sufficiently well adjusted and self aware that they can just be told they're wrong and act accordingly.

I think it's a bit more complicated than that.

Who are you to judge who could benefit from therapy and who is simply 'wrong'?

And wouldn't those who are 'wrong' benefit from therapy so they can change?

Yes some.

A lot of people need direction, parenting, either they never had it or they just still need it. We're not good at putting in rules and boundaries and just saying 'this is not appropriate, this isnt going to happen, dont do this anymore'

People dont take direction, everyone wants to 'be their true self'. Except that a lot of human's 'true selves' are selfish, anti social, hostile, arseholy.

The human condition is such.

To be clear, I’m not saying therapy isn’t valuable. It absolutely is, for the right people and the right reasons. I’m more questioning the reflex to treat every bit of selfishness or bad behaviour like it needs a therapist, when sometimes it just needs accountability. Not every bad attitude is rooted in trauma - some people just haven’t been told no enough.

Therapy doesn’t have to be about past trauma. It can be about taking accountability and 'fixing it’.

Yes agree with this, not enough accountability. Everything is couched in trauma terms and its true that sometimes its just negative or inappropriate behaviour that needs to change. Beahviour is not always 'communication', Im sick of seeing that. Behaviour is often whatever someone wants to do to get what they want. Or just habitual

I think people (certainly on this site) seem to think therapy will fix everything and change everything for a person. It wont. I see people suggesting therapy for weight loss, you could be at that for years while your weight goes up and up and your heart attack and stroke risk go through the roof.

(thats just one example)

Most people need both validation for their feelings and to be challenging about their beliefs.

I think people (certainly on this site) seem to think therapy will fix everything and change everything for a person. It wont. I see people suggesting therapy for weight loss, you could be at that for years while your weight goes up and up and your heart attack and stroke risk go through the roof. But therapy does help with disordered eating.

This. The skill in therapy is creating an alliance with a client and making it safe enough to really look at themselves in the mirror. Sometimes they will seek freedom from unhelpful life experiences but often we are seeking freedom from our own thoughts and behaviours. Therapy creates a space for this to happen because a therapist will not judge, they will create a space where people can take an honest look at their own role in their life and choices. We rarely have the power to change other people's behaviours and views but we can change our default responses and our own thoughts and behaviours. That is where real change can happen.

Just using your example, many people who binge eat do so because they lacked nurturing as children. Many eat because they are suppressing their feelings and don't know healthy ways of dealing with them.

Telling them to lose weight is unhelpful because the reason they're eating remains no matter what size they are.

I could tell an anorexic to stop navel gazing and have some chips but it's unlikely to be of any use.

This.

Also the right sort of therapy will encourage someone to take responsibility for their lives, usually. Therapy that only validates and coddles isn't much good.

I'm a veteran myself of both NHS and private therapy for complex trauma, eating disorders and BPD. They would gently challenge me to approach how I thought and behaved so I could do things differently ?

That said I can see the frustration of being told to get therapy when it's expensive to get.

I’ve had friends go through therapy and I’m not convinced it’s helped them. They seem more depressed, more anxious and more self-absorbed after the therapy. As an observer it seems to me that therapy is sometimes just picking at old wounds which doesn’t help people feel any better.

I’ve seen on here that finding a good therapist is crucial but how are people supposed to know?

Quite a lot of people should be told to get a bloody grip quite early on!

This is bullshit. The reason we have a multi billlion pound diet industry is because people DON’T address their disordered eating with talking therapies.

All eating disorders are usually a result of something going on in the mind.

I hate it when someone comes on here and says they are sick of their weight and body and people are like well try keto, fasting, blah blah blah. NO fix your mind and the rest will work itself out.

Is there actually any evidence for this? I don’t mean that to sound combative; it’s a genuine question.

Most people who are overweight havent got emotional or underlying issues, we live in a food culture which lends to overeating, snacking, high calorie foods. Its habitual.