To have a pull to move back 'hone' that won't go away?!

[SlB09]

I've lived in the next city from 'hone' for nearly 20 years. It's just over an hour away from home town/area. I feel silly as it's not that far in the grand scheme but I just have this draw to going back home to live. I miss it, I feel I miss it in my bones, I miss being able to pop in for a cuppa with my parents, being there to help them if they need it etc. I moved for uni and have had my child here, got married, have a few good friends here etc but something inside me still doesn't feel content. I miss that 'village' feel, I now live in the suburbs and have done for 4/5 years but when you don't grow up somewhere it just doesn't have that feel about it. I feel like we're abit invisible, not linked to anything.
However this may be true at home, I don't keep in contact with any friends from home, it's quite a deprived area, my child would need to move schools (potentially not as good as where we are now) and my husband really doesn't want to live there. I don't know how to peel myself away from this feeling and just be grateful for what we do have! Objectively we have a good life. This feeling waxes andvwanes but has never really gone away and as my parents get older I wonder if I'll regret not moving back and loosing that link forever.

Not an easy one to advise on I understand but anyone had similar experiences and moved/not moved etc?

We made the move, spurred on a lot by the fact we'd be able to afford a nicer house and offers of childcare from multiple people, and it was the worst idea ever. We're now stuck in a very run down place that looked better than it actually was, we should be 20 mins from family but the roads are so bad it's 40 mins on a good day and up to an hour on a bad day. No one visits. Everyone's always busy when we ask to visit. The schools are shit and DS is unhappy. DH hates his job since he transferred and is getting to the end of his tether.
I honestly wish we'd never moved and we're looking to move away again asap but don't know where because we can't afford to go back to where we just moved from and we don't want more upheaval for this to happen again.
Oh and the childcare never materialised either.

Hmm interesting!! I don't know despite all these things potentially not materialising that I would just 'feel' more 'at home' purely in the geographical area x

Are you deliberately calling it hone, Op? Only asking because with you highlighting it in the title of thread, I thought it wouldn't be a mistake.

How old are your DC? Getting involved with your local community can really build a sense of home. It wasn’t until mine was in school and really doing play dates and after school clubs and things that I really felt close to people, as my job takes me away a lot. Do you volunteer? Things like PTA, scouts, a local charity? Do you have hobbies locally where you can meet new people?

I wonder if it’s worth channeling that feeling you have into making your current area work better for you before you conclude it’s better to leave? I hope you feel more settled, whatever you decide.

I've also had this pull get progressively stronger over the last decade as my parents aged and I've now left it too late. I live much further away though, about 4 hours drive. I deeply regret not doing it 10 years ago when I still had time, ideally 20 years ago straight after uni. However I wonder how much of it for me is actually a grief for the past. Time has passed regardless and we might feel the same desire to go back to a different time even if we lived in our home area. We can never know but if I had a time machine I would move back home, the city I live in means nothing to me and those connections to childhood feel more important as I get older and my parents forget me.

I thought that too. I thought typo maybe in the title, but then it’s repeated in the first line? So unlikely to be the same typo twice.

am I missing something?

Sorry, absolute typo with 'hone'!!

@wateraddict at primary school, we've got to know some people but the area is quite large so a lot not in the same village/small town. I thought about scouts and trying to make here like home but not sure it ever can be without those childhood memories, connection and my parents. If my parents moved here I'm not sure I would feel the same, I think it's maybe then that are the main pull tbh. As macarbe as it sounds I can't imagine dying here if that makes sense.

Would it help to forget about the word "home"?

If anyone asks me where home is, I explain that there are only places I've lived. There's where I was brought up, then the various places I lived in my younger years, then the place I've lived most of my adult life and brought up my children.

I wouldn't go back to where I was brought up, it has changed too much and become increasingly difficult in terms of jobs, transport, services etc. Where I live now is much better for that, my life is comfortable enough.

How much is the pull for 'home' the place and how much is the pull for the old days and wanting the security/fun of your youth?

Being closer to your parents is a tangible benefit. The rest might not turn out how you want it to, especially given objectively your current town appears to be better.

I think a lot of it is familiarity, familiar faces, familiar places, taking my kids where I went when I was young, sharing those experiences, probably the safety & security I felt as a child. I was never desperate to move away and wouldn't have if I hadn't met my dh tbh. I don't have the security and familiarity where I am and not sure that will ever feel like it's there. But on the other hand I am so aware that moving back could be mistake. I think what makes it worse is a friend who moved away at the same time has recently moved back and said it's the best thing she's ever done and regrets not doing it earlier!

I wouldn't move to a deprived area. I couldn't cope with that. If the schools arent good there, that'll be detrimental to DC.

Is there any way you can just spend more time there, seeing as it's only an hour away?

@Itiswhysofew it's not deprived deprived, where we live now is quite on the upper end of nice though. I could visit more just doesn't feel the same. Maybe it's a manifestation of other issues I haven't quite figured out yet.

I totally understand. I have lived 250 miles away for 25yrs. All my family and friends back ‘home’, though my dad has sadly passed now. I am waiting until youngest goes to uni next year before moving back. I may move closer, but not exactly home town, as I think i’ve outgrown it, but want to be closer to family. I didn’t want my kids to grow up there though, hence i’ve had a long wait to move back. Almost there and can’t wait now. Looking at areas / houses and I really can’t wait. I feel like I really don’t fit in where I live now, even though i’ve got lots of lovely friends and colleagues.

@Zanatdy what family do you still have there? How old are you if you don't mind me asking? By the time my child goes to uni in around 10 years (if he goes to uni!) my parents will most likely have passed and I will be early 50's. The thought of essentially starting again at that age also scares me!

Also @Zanatdy how did you manage your time in-between then and now and not feeling like you fit in?

I have my mum, brother, sister in law, 2 nieces and my eldest son lives up there too. Plus 3 very close childhood friends. I am 48, and i’ve wanted to move back for 15yrs. I genuinely love where I live, but it’s very expensive too so the pull of moving has always been there. I know i’d miss it here too, but I think i’ll be more at peace back up that way. Hopefully will have a few more years with my mum, she is over the moon I am returning. I’ve just got on with my life here when waiting, knowing it was the best decision not to disrupt the kids schooling or relationship with their dad. It hasn’t been easy, but I am edging closer now. Just hope it meets my expectations and I don’t end up missing here too much. My younger son will be remaining here, with his girlfriend but DD will essentially move with me and come back to where I move to in the uni holidays as her dad is moving overseas for work.

Go on the village Facebook groups and read all the petty, small- minded posts that people write. I grew up in a village and used to yearn to go back but the insular mindset - as evidenced on the Facebook page- really put me off. I think once you've moved away, it's hard to go back.

if you’re not in contact with friends there, your partner really doesn’t want to and the school situation is worse, it doesn’t sound great.

Can you spend a lot more time there and really try and feel your feelings and see it’s the past and your youth you’re craving or the reality?

Hone is where the hert is.

@Sherararara hahahaha thanks for that it made me chuckle

@TumbledTussocks Im not sure it is my youth tbh. I know it would be entirely different. It's familiarity, it's walking down the street and recognizing or knowing or knowing of people, going to the shop and having a chat, friends of parents and late grandparents who know the family instead of this anonymous no one really gives a shit place I feel im in now. Guess I feel isolated. I have really good friends who live within 15-30mins drive of me but it just doesn't feel like it does when your v close to family and a lot of makes you you. Plus it just my happy place, my shoulders drop, I almost breathe again when I'm there (middle of the countryside)

I moved back to my home country in 2019 after almost 30 years living in different places. I think it’s been a good move, overall, but it must be said that, objectively, it’s a nicer place (small, vibrant coastal city, good arts scene, lots of festivals, beautiful rural coast close by) than the last place we lived overseas. So the idea of ‘home’ hasn’t had to make up for any loss — our lives are nicer here.

Humans are animals that like to have roots, and roots mean a lot to us. It makes sense that your heart is pulling (honing!) towards home.

We too often put head above heart, in this case staying in a place that logically is superior but emotionally isn’t the right fit.

However I would say if your husband is against it it’s probably a sacrifice you must make, giving up on this dream in order to make it work where you are. It’s not worth making him unhappy and jeopardising your marriage and by default your future happiness. I think it’s no easy thing for a spouse to successfully settle and thrive in a small place where their partner grew up, but they have no atttachment to. It’s a big ask and rarely works out.

Where you are now is what your DC will always see as home. I wouldn't disrupt them to go to a worse school. I wonder if for you this is about a safer, easier time in your life when parents were young? You can't go back to that but you can try to create that feeling for your own child, no matter where you live.