Page 2 | To want to poke this man in the forehead

MyNewNewlife · 2025-04-29T08:07:18+00:00

I was leading a teams meeting with 5 men all 50+ on a serious and somewhat distressing subject (safeguarding). They were challenging me throughout on decisions I made in order to protect others. I was ok with that even though it was bloody hard work. At one point my connection dropped for a few seconds and my camera shut off leaving only my profile picture, which is a decent one of me smiling in a professional context. They thought I had left the meeting but I could still hear them. One said, "well that photo doesn't represent the real her does it! must have been taken a while ago when she was having a nicer time cos she doesn't look like that tonight!" The others weee a bit coy but laughed. My camera came on and I just continued saying.. "camera and sound are two different functions on teams guys.. let's be aware of that" I finished the meeting but came away exhausted and feeling upset Then I thought what a cheeky arrogant and ignorant arse. I want to poke him in the forehead while telling him about his beady eyes, bad haircut, multicoloured teeth and rotten character Aibu for wanting to do that. What would you have said?

Namechangedfortheterfasaurs · 29/04/2025 10:09

First put your photo back.

Second, decide whether you will deal with it by complaining or by dealing with it in the meeting. You say you have to lead the meeting - if you are their peer or superior I would be inclined to deal with it myself (if they are more senior I’d feel more comfortable making the complaint).

Assuming you decide to address it, then say something like,

”Before we start, a couple of action points arising out of our meeting last week. First, you all need to brush up on your Teams understanding because none of you seem to be aware that when a camera goes off the mike’s still on and people can hear everything you’re saying. Let’s not have that happen when we’re client facing. Second, in this organisation we don’t comment on other people’s appearance at any time [insert ref to disciplinary policy if desired] and especially not because we disagreed about decisions that that person has taken. Now, onto today’s business…”

SilenceInside · 29/04/2025 10:12

Just want to say that what you said was brilliant, and I am sorry that this man was such an absolute arse to you, and that the others didn't challenge him. And yes, put your profile picture back up!

HallidayJones6779 · 29/04/2025 10:16

OP I love you. What a pig. you did amazingly to respond that way in the moment. Hard as it might be, you walk in that room when you see them face to face and you act like a total boss. Keep telling yourself it's him that will be uncomfortable, look him directly in the eye when you speak to him, let him know - without saying anything more - that you have his cards marked.

StrongasSixpence · 29/04/2025 10:17

Treat him frostily and professionally while putting in a formal complaint.

He needs training on manners.

HallidayJones6779 · 29/04/2025 10:17

Namechangedfortheterfasaurs · 29/04/2025 10:09

First put your photo back.

Second, decide whether you will deal with it by complaining or by dealing with it in the meeting. You say you have to lead the meeting - if you are their peer or superior I would be inclined to deal with it myself (if they are more senior I’d feel more comfortable making the complaint).

Assuming you decide to address it, then say something like,

”Before we start, a couple of action points arising out of our meeting last week. First, you all need to brush up on your Teams understanding because none of you seem to be aware that when a camera goes off the mike’s still on and people can hear everything you’re saying. Let’s not have that happen when we’re client facing. Second, in this organisation we don’t comment on other people’s appearance at any time [insert ref to disciplinary policy if desired] and especially not because we disagreed about decisions that that person has taken. Now, onto today’s business…”

Yes - all of this!!!

iwannaknow · 29/04/2025 10:17

Namechangedfortheterfasaurs · 29/04/2025 10:09

First put your photo back.

Second, decide whether you will deal with it by complaining or by dealing with it in the meeting. You say you have to lead the meeting - if you are their peer or superior I would be inclined to deal with it myself (if they are more senior I’d feel more comfortable making the complaint).

Assuming you decide to address it, then say something like,

”Before we start, a couple of action points arising out of our meeting last week. First, you all need to brush up on your Teams understanding because none of you seem to be aware that when a camera goes off the mike’s still on and people can hear everything you’re saying. Let’s not have that happen when we’re client facing. Second, in this organisation we don’t comment on other people’s appearance at any time [insert ref to disciplinary policy if desired] and especially not because we disagreed about decisions that that person has taken. Now, onto today’s business…”

This!

What a prat. Shame on him.

Daleksatemyshed · 29/04/2025 10:22

It's got nothing to do with how you look Op, he didn't like you taking the lead and holding different views to him, he expected you to agree with him because he's a man.
You kept it professional, he didn't, he went for childish insults so you have the moral high ground. Keep your head held high and don't let him get to you

Spinachpastapicker · 29/04/2025 10:22

Agree totally with @Namechangedfortheterfasaurspost.

you got this!!

Vaxtable · 29/04/2025 10:22

I would walk in and if the guy is there take him to one side and say you heard the conversation it was totally unprofessional of him, you are sure he would not like a comment like that against him, and you will assume he has learnt a lesson here. Then carry on

CoffeeBeansGalore · 29/04/2025 10:23

You handled that professionally. Don't now ruin it by making inappropriate comments in person.

Make sure you look impeccable (for your own self confidence) for the meeting and walk in like you own the room.
If he apologises, accept with the bare minimum of interaction. No big smile or gushing about you knew you didn't look your best etc. You could even add a brief disdainful sweeping up & down look.
Then say something simple like -
Thank you. Good to know you realise you were totally inappropriate. Right, now we move onto item blah blah.
It will make him feel insignificant.
If no apology, end the meeting with the reminder about Teams technology. He'll think he's got away with it until then & he'll be internally squirming as he leaves.

SpikySausage · 29/04/2025 10:25

Don't take the pic down! Why?

I think poking him in the forehead sounds like a plan myself.

Well done !! on calling it at the time!

TortolaParadise · 29/04/2025 10:25

Poke them all in the head - gob almighty 👊and the gigglers.👊

Mumble12 · 29/04/2025 10:46

Your response was excellent. Why is it always the most mediocre of men that feel the need to comment on womens appearance. Newsflash - we don't care about your opinion of our appearance.

DuckieDodgyHedgyPiggy · 29/04/2025 10:50

ExtraOnions · 29/04/2025 09:37

Why are you letting the comments, of one man, who is no more qualified than you, throw you off so much ?

You are allowing him to decide how you work, how you present yourself, and if you are capable of doing your job.

Reclaim your power … stop giving it away to people who really don’t matter.

Show quote history

Yes, this.
You're in charge. People always criticise bosses, especially women ones. You don't have to be liked. Put your armour on! Your best defence is to be decisive and bloody good at your job.

Londonismyjam · 29/04/2025 11:27

Namechangedfortheterfasaurs · 29/04/2025 10:09

First put your photo back.

Second, decide whether you will deal with it by complaining or by dealing with it in the meeting. You say you have to lead the meeting - if you are their peer or superior I would be inclined to deal with it myself (if they are more senior I’d feel more comfortable making the complaint).

Assuming you decide to address it, then say something like,

”Before we start, a couple of action points arising out of our meeting last week. First, you all need to brush up on your Teams understanding because none of you seem to be aware that when a camera goes off the mike’s still on and people can hear everything you’re saying. Let’s not have that happen when we’re client facing. Second, in this organisation we don’t comment on other people’s appearance at any time [insert ref to disciplinary policy if desired] and especially not because we disagreed about decisions that that person has taken. Now, onto today’s business…”

Such a good response.

SparklyGlitterballs · 29/04/2025 11:37

I'd walk in and say in an upbeat way "This is the real me today guys. By the way I'm having a new profile pic taken for Teams because 'fuckwit' was right, the other one was a bit out of date....right, let's move on shall we..."

Original poster

MyNewNewlife · 29/04/2025 11:37

Thank you all. I know I should not let stupid misogyny bother me but it was just unexpected and uncalled for and pretty vile.. and yep I'm a strong woman, like many of us I've been through much heavier problems than this but ffs, who needs this shite at work last thing on a Thursday afternoon! So I was rattled. But you lovely lot have helped me give my head a wobble and...

I'm inspired. At the face to face I will show up as I always do, dressed well and appropriately but will a little more 'ummph'. I am a tall woman already so maybe a moderate heel so I tower over him? (Is a woman standing at 6ft too intimidating 🤭)?

Definitely chin up shoulders back, and straight to some very serious business, my opening line..

"Right, my time is limited here, not to mention precious so let's crack on with protecting those most vulnerable... that is, after all, my job"
No smiles, no appeasing, just metaphorical forehead poking

Once done I will stride (potentially flounce) out of the meeting with the quickest thank you and goodbye.

You all rock for the support. Thanks

OP posts:

tygertygers · 29/04/2025 12:40

You’re very mature and professional OP. Can’t we all come over and just poke him in the forehead?

Slawbans · 29/04/2025 14:35

nope tackle it head on. Make them squirm a bit. Just like they made you squirm

“Feedback is a gift. You can do with it as you wish. And in the case of your feedback last week, you are lucky that I didn’t send that particular gift straight to HR. And rest assured if there is any repetition of such unprofessional personal comments that’s exactly where we’ll be going. Anyway. Let’s move - we’re here to solve problems, not create them. “

S0j0urn4r · 29/04/2025 14:42

You'll be FABULOUS! 🤗

TinyCottageGirl · 29/04/2025 15:14

MyNewNewlife · 29/04/2025 09:30

Thanks comrades, loving the term fuckwit @Offcom

Got to admit it threw me for a few days. Shallow as it may be I looked at myself and thought.. 'you do look a bit rough though new new' and took the profile pic down.

I will have to see them all again face to face this week.

How do I walk in and lead?

Aw this made me sad you took your pic down - most people look better in photos than on teams so I wouldn't take it down! Your response was absolutely perfect, I bet he was so embarrassed. You go in and show them who's boss!

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 29/04/2025 15:46

What @Namechangedfortheterfasaurssaid.

But also, PUT THE PROFILE PICTURE BACK UP!

SonK · 29/04/2025 15:56

OP you dealt with this really well x

Also, I agree with the previous poster I would put in a formal complaint - and make sure everyone knows what a turd he is

TY78910 · 29/04/2025 16:29

MyNewNewlife · 29/04/2025 09:30

Thanks comrades, loving the term fuckwit @Offcom

Got to admit it threw me for a few days. Shallow as it may be I looked at myself and thought.. 'you do look a bit rough though new new' and took the profile pic down.

I will have to see them all again face to face this week.

How do I walk in and lead?

No no! Do not take the picture down!

If you are their superior, take them in to formal conversations. Raise a grievance if you need their superiors to address it. That’s totally against business conduct.

Also, well done on what you said to that. Great comeback - not confrontational, but would have scolded them nicely.