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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend stayed

29 replies

Creek2025 · 29/04/2025 07:31

I live at a holiday destination people like to come to I had a friend invite themselves I felt I had to agree so I said a couple of nights which turned into a few nights extra. I collected my friend which is an hour away from the airport and spent time 3 solid days with her but expected me to pay for everything and do groceries etc without offering or even putting hand in pocket.

is it normal when a guest stays to pay for everything I would at least pay for groceries or a meal out if it was the other way round.

I have had people stay before where I’ve ended up paying more with Ubers etc but not like this.

OP posts:
FakeParticleExpert · 29/04/2025 07:34

It would have been nice if your friend had cooked you a meal or taken you out (if I was the friend I would have offered), but I don't think you can expect it when you have a guest.

Why did you invite them to stay if you begrudge the expense?

CherryBlossom321 · 29/04/2025 07:37

It sounds like you don’t want to host. Just say no, or communicate clearly your stipulations and let your guest decide if they still want to visit.

Stripeyanddotty · 29/04/2025 07:37

@FakeParticleExpert
If you read the post again you will see that fhe friend invited herself.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 29/04/2025 07:38

FakeParticleExpert · 29/04/2025 07:34

It would have been nice if your friend had cooked you a meal or taken you out (if I was the friend I would have offered), but I don't think you can expect it when you have a guest.

Why did you invite them to stay if you begrudge the expense?

They didn’t.

I had a friend invite themselves I felt I had to agree

Fairygoblin · 29/04/2025 07:38

Really rude and ungrateful of her. On the upside you now know to say a firm no if she ever invites herself again

SoScarletItWas · 29/04/2025 07:38

As you live in a destination people like to holiday, you are going to get people asking to stay. Sounds like you need to grow a backbone and be clear upfront with anybody what that means when they ask/you invite them. Tell them that you’re looking forward to having them and happy you can host, but groceries and days out will be split or they will be paying for themselves like they would if they were on holiday anywhere else. Also include that you will be able to take a couple of days off but you will mostly be at work, or whatever.

If you don’t set this out, you’re going to risk a lifetime of CFs taking advantage.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 29/04/2025 07:39

At no point over several days did you tell her this wasn’t what you expected? At no point did you tell her it was her turn to cook/pay for a meal? Are you always such a doormat?

HarpSnail · 29/04/2025 07:39

The moral of this story is don’t invite someone to stay unless (a) you really want them and (b) can have a frank conversation with them about what they expect, eg thst you’re not on your holidays, will be at work as usual, that taxis or buses from the airport will cost x etc.

No one can ‘invite themselves’ or make you pay for them.

unbelieveable22 · 29/04/2025 07:41

Definitely a CF. Invite themselves to your home and expect you to entertain them and foot the bill? Did you challenge them?
I wouldn't wait for them to invite themselves again and would make it very clear they are not welcome back. BTW they are no friend just a user.

Arancia · 29/04/2025 07:43

You need to learn to set boundaries, seriously...

Moonnstars · 29/04/2025 07:45

Practice saying no. They invited themselves? How? When they said they wanted to stay you should have kept saying no. If you did give in, then set boundaries. I can have you stay but I am not available to take you places. You are welcome to go out to eat or buy some food to keep in the fridge to cook for yourself.

LilDeVille · 29/04/2025 07:45

Well it does cost to host, yes. But as a guest, I always pay for a meal, bring a gift, help around the house eg strip the beds etc.

When you say invited themselves - how did that happen? Did you have the chance to say no?

Cakencookieobsessed · 29/04/2025 07:46

If I was staying with someone I would always ask ways I could contribute. I think it's good manners and fair. On the other hand if I had invited someone to say I wouldn't necessarily expect that though it would be nice. I think the problem is that this wasn't a direct invitation from you and was your friend's idea, so she should have offered to buy some groceries in, pay for a takeaway, do some housework etc. You weren't forced to have her there, you just needed to say no however hard that might be.

Endofyear · 29/04/2025 07:50

You felt you had to agree to someone inviting themselves to stay? You need to grow a bit of backbone and stop allowing people to take advantage of you. For future reference, you do not have to say yes to people staying and you can ask people for a contribution towards food, petrol etc.

PinkyFlamingo · 29/04/2025 07:51

Of course you didnt "have to agree". There is a word no. And then you seem to have just rolled over and not said a word whilst seething with resentment. Just why? I despair of grown adults that let others treat them badly.

BlondiePortz · 29/04/2025 07:54

Do you not know how to say no? they can expect what they like you dont have to do it

FakeParticleExpert · 29/04/2025 07:57

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 29/04/2025 07:38

They didn’t.

I had a friend invite themselves I felt I had to agree

Show quote history

OK, I'm sorry. I should have said "why did you agree that they stay" 🙄

BMW6 · 29/04/2025 07:58

Your "friend" knows how much of a pushover you are and will do this repeatedly until you find the gumption to tell her to Fuck Off!

BlueEyedBogWitch · 29/04/2025 07:59

I wish people who have a backbone would have a bit of empathy for those of us who are a bit crap at standing up for ourselves.

It’s really, really hard to do for some of us, so we suck it up and complain later.

Not ideal, but there’s usually a massive backstory.

WaltzingWaters · 29/04/2025 07:59

I wouldn’t necessarily expect guests to contribute to groceries (unless they regularly visited/invited themselves/stayed for an extended time - definitely many exceptions to this statement!) but, it would be nice of them to bring a gift - wine and chocolate for example.

I would expect everything whilst out to be split though and certainly wouldn’t be paying everything for days and meals out.

I see that on this occasion though she did invite herself rather than you doing the inviting, so yes, she should have contributed towards her stay. I wouldn’t allow her to stay again, or say that you can’t afford to pay for her food so she needs to contribute towards groceries in future.

BangersAndGnash · 29/04/2025 08:03

“It would be lovely to see you, but just to be clear I won’t be in holiday mode myself, I’ll be at work etc and on weekday budget. I would be bankrupt if I took all the times I have visitors as holiday. I know you will understand”

Flewaway · 29/04/2025 08:04

Stripeyanddotty · 29/04/2025 07:37

@FakeParticleExpert
If you read the post again you will see that fhe friend invited herself.

It’s possible to say No.

OP, put this down to experience. If your friend asks again, say no.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 29/04/2025 08:07

You need to be honest from the off.

Tell them, out of the goodness of your heart you don't charge for them staying but equally neither do you do all inclusive so if they're expecting it book a hotel somewhere.

alimac12 · 29/04/2025 08:14

I put YABU just because you agree to all of this. You have to say no OP, there are so many things you can say. If your friend gets upset oh well…I guess it not a good friend after all then. And if you agree to someone come just say let’s split the cost of the food etc. Is really not that complicated.

Reliablesource · 29/04/2025 08:16

It’s rude to stay with someone and not to at least bring a bottle of wine/chocolates/flowers, if staying one night. If staying for several nights, a more substantial contribution should also be offered, eg a meal out or a takeaway one evening.

When I host, I always stock up with nice food, wine, treats that I wouldn’t normally buy, so it can be expensive, but I consider that hospitable as a host and don’t resent that. However, guests should pay their way on days out and other activities.

In the case of your friend inviting herself, just make yourself unavailable next time she asks and step back from the friendship if she’s generally a user and it’s not a friendship you value.