DD’s relationship expectations- Are they unreasonable?

[Fishneedscycle]

My DD is just 20 and has a bf who is older-27. She is very into him and spends a lot of time thinking about his past girlfriends. She gets very upset if he makes positive comments about any of them complimenting their hair or dress sense - nothing specifically sexual or objectifying just things like ‘Yeah she had lovely hair.’ My DD gets very upset and thinks he shouldn’t say these things. I think it’s maybe a bit tactless but she is too possessive and not realistic that a man of 27 won’t have some exes. Who is being unreasonable? I think she feels quite insecure and he isn’t necessarily saying things to reassure her.

How is 27 older than 30?

This is a very weird post.

Sorry. Fat fingers. I’ve edited it now. 20

Why does he keep talking about his ex's?

How does his ex’s hair/appearance come up in conversation?

Context is key. If he's actively bringing up ex partners as a comparison to DD -nit ok. If it pops up occasionally in natural conversation, eg they are still in the same friendship group , your DD needs to relax a bit.

I thought I was going a bit mad for a moment!!

Depends how it’s being brought up. I very briefly dated an incredibly insecure man who would bring up my exes whilst fishing for compliments: “I bet he worked out a lot, didn’t he?” “He was a hair stylist? I bet he knew what to do with his hair, yeah?” to which there isn’t really any other response but to agree that yes, my ex had great muscles, and yes, his hair was pretty cool. If your DD is trying to compare herself to his exes, then she’s just going to become even more insecure.

Completely unreasonable for him to mention anything about his exs imo.

Context is key here.. If it’s a case of she comes home from the hairdressers feeling confident and it’s met with it’s nice but not as nice as my ex girlfriend’s hair then obviously not ok. If it’s just occasional comments that are part of a natural conversation then that’s fine and she is being unreasonable.

You’d hate my life, I spent Christmas morning this year with my husband, stepdaughter and my husbands ex wife. And shocker, It was me who invited her.

Her expectations aren't unrealistic at all - he doesn't need to be bringing up his ex's with her.

So nice when everyone gets on!
OP your daughter sounds very insecure. These days everything is about looks.
Comparison is the thief of joy.

@OoLaOoLa Obviously completely different if children are involved! No reason to mention am exs physical appearance though imo.

Well then she needs to ask herself why she’s staying in a relationship that makes her feel insecure. It’s pointless sitting around questioning who’s right or wrong.. The solution is staring her straight in the face, leave.

I know a lot of women who react like OPs daughter. Age isn't necessarily it. Some people are very jealous about ex's. And if your daughter is insecure and feeling she's not 'enough' or 'good enough' for the boyfriend, that definitely makes it worse. I was much more like this with my first boyfriend. I never thought I was attractive enough for him, and it didn't help that girls would hit on him while we were (very obviously) together.

I do think that once you meet the person who makes you feel safe, secure and loved, it's easy to get over this type of thing.

I've met 2 of my husband's 4 ex girlfriends. I became good friends with one of them at one point! We nearly ended up living together!

We both talk about our ex partners for various reasons. Places we've been (but not together), meals, funny stories, etc. I've never been in the least bit jealous or insecure about them. And I hubs hasn't been about mine either. I think we both take the view that they are ex's for a reason.

We both had lives before we met in our late 20s, and it would be weird to pretend we didn't.

Were you constantly going on about how nice their hair was?

It depends on the circumstances - if he's just randomly mentioning his exes out of the blue, that's not ok. If your DD is the one bringing them up and asking about them, then of course he's going to answer honestly. It sounds like she's jealous and insecure if she's spending time thinking about his past relationships - it won't end well.

I actually tell her a lot.. I like your hair or lipstick or whatever.
I’ve never once felt threatened by her and my husband has never made me feel insecure or jealous, maybe that’s the difference.

Oh yeah, i would absolutely leave if my partner started commenting on his exs physical appearance! Unfortunately, just 20 is so young, it definitely took me a bit longer to be more self assured. I was insecure at that age too (because I was with unsustainable people, in hindsight)

Her feelings are valid. Why is he talking about his ex’s or complementing them? It’s understandable if he has a ex he has children with but random ex’s should not really be a topic of conversation. Just because it’s something that wouldn’t bother you it doesn’t mean it shouldn’t bother her.

Exactly. I hate when people label justifiable feelings towards various situations as "insecurity" or "controlling behaviour". No, not wanting your partner to talk about their exes does not = being insecure or possessive. Sounds to me like the daughter actually respects herself and is asserting healthy boundaries with her boyfriend. There's no reason why a man should talk about his exes' "lovely hair"... supposedly he's moved on, so why even think about these girls' hair, or whatever? It does indicate that he's not truly moved on from his past, and that's concerning.