To think that being ‘too nice’ at work is just as damaging to your career as being rude?

[DaRealUmberCat]

I’ve noticed that people who are overly nice, overly accommodating and afraid to push back often get overlooked, overworked and even disrespected.

Meanwhile, people who are blunt or assertive - even rude - sometimes get more respect. AIBU to think that being “too nice” at work can actually hurt you just as much as being rude?

Definitely - in fact it can be worse! If you’re rude in the ‘right’ way - or as you say, blunt or assertive, that can really progress your career as often people then don’t walk all over you, and you can make more progress/impact as people often don’t complete tasks on time/properly for ‘nice’ people as they know they’ll get away with it.

They’re generally in a permanent mood and highly stressed, with a constant whiff of martyrdom about them - which irritates colleagues and rarely are they promoted (with good reason)

Inread a book about corporate sucrss which talks about the power of a favour, Carnegie, inthonk but maybe not. I find taking every opportunity to help someone means you get it back, and if it's not offered, you have a bank of people who "owe you" to ask.

Definitely. You can be seen as 'too nice' and then you get the sh* end of the stick because they know you won't complain.
I once was given a schedule about work allocation for the month where I have been given the worst thing to do (again) - attached was an email that they didn't intend me to see. It was to the manager scheduling the work. It said. Let Mr P have the best x, and make sure you accommodate what Mr Y wants, don't worry about Carmella she'll fit in to accommodate everybody else - speak to the others first. I'm all for taking my turn at having the grim tasks - but I kept wondering why so many came my way. This was an eye-opener!
We were all at the same level - but I kept getting all the rough ends of the stick. Everytime. Yes if you are seen as too nice you can be seen as a pushover. Seeing that email made me assert myself much more - people didn't like it. But yes you can be too nice!

Being "too" anything is not good.

HELL TO THE YES OP!!!!!

I was stung in work many times by eg accept invitations to events I didn’t want to go to

Well done for asserting yourself more- actually a difficult thing to do

"Let Mr P have the best x, and make sure you accommodate what Mr Y wants, don't worry about Carmella she'll fit in to accommodate everybody else - speak to the others first. I'm all for taking my turn at having the grim tasks - but I kept wondering why so many came my way. This was an eye-opener!"

!!!!
What did you do? Let them know you'd seen it and tell them to stuff their work rota up their arse or keep quiet but be unavailable for shitwork?

Yes and no because when I hire internally I always note the difficult staff & ensure that i don't promote them. So being blunt & assertive can only go far & most of those are usually talentless but have got big mouths. They scare people to a certain extent but eventually they don't get very far as they're not easy to work with.

Yanbu x

Did you stay in the same job? I'm really interested to know if anyone can turn it around within a job and go from being seen as the uncomplaining one to load the crap onto, like Boxer from Animal Farm, to being respected and given decent stuff to do, or do you have to start again elsewhere? Ie do people resent it when the worm turns?

I was really glad I'd seen it. I realised that I thought by being pleasant and accommodating and helping out in a crisis I would be a valued employee. Instead I was seen as a 'mug'. I think there was some sexism too - as it was men with egos being accommodated. I did not say anything - but from then on I asserted myself and basically said : no. It's not my turn. I think they were shocked - but I basically became more awkward, pushed back, and the world didn't fall apart - my life got a lot easier. I know I'm talented at my job, but I guess I was 'people pleasing'. I think I'm seen as awkward now. Ha! At the time of seeing the email,. I was very upset, but it was actually a revelation.

Dep on the organisational culture.

I would say there's a difference between being 'difficult' and 'aggressive' to being given all the rubbish. Being assertive is the key. And being factual. I have done xxx in the last quarter. Andy has done none - it's his turn. And not caring whether you are liked by all.

I think too nice can be taken as 'too passive...' assertion is the thing. And fairness.

I'm very nice, confident and great at building rapport but also assertive and I think sometimes that bites me in a different way because either people underestimate me at first or when I tell people something they don't want to hear, they either don't hear it (maybe they hear the tone not the message?) or look at me like I've grown two heads.

On the plus side, people always fall over themselves to help me and not be rude toward me when i do share bad news because they like me.

So overall I think its OK.

In your situation I think I'd have scheduled a meeting with my manager and opened a conversation about how it was really nice to see in the attached email that I'm recognised as a team player who takes on more than my fair share of the tricky tasks and I'd like to discuss how this will be financially recognised. If the response is that it won't be (predictably!), I'd use it to open conversation about either progression into a more senior role (I.e. stop giving me the shit tasks or I'm off) and that going forward I'd like Mr X& Y to cover the next few of that task so that i can use the extra time to develop other skills (have some in mind because they will ask).

Definitely yes OP. I was that person, I had the absolute piss taken by team mates and managers. I was in a particularly tough industry where I was often told I was too nice to clients and peer companies because I wasn't being a complete dick like some colleagues. I wasn't doing anything against procedure but just trying to be accommodating in an industry where the culture was to be competitive and nasty. Thankfully it was much better in my next career, they were nice people. I tried to be assertive and became way better at speaking to senior people but found I was often overlooked. They would praise me and treat me well but there was a lot of 'oh we didn't think you'd mind..' I really questioned it at one point and asked a lot of people, apparently I have a gentle manner and soft voice and generally pleasant looking face which makes people presume I'm 'nice' and nothing else.

I left the corporate world completely and now work with little kids, they love me!!! . All the physical and personality attributes that let me down in one world have benefitted me in another, and I have a very good relationship with colleagues and parents now. I've never had to be really assertive because no one has ever tried to trample on me.

It's not my thread 'Salad' but thanks for the advice. I didn't speak to them about it - I just changed MY behaviours... 😁

If I described a colleague as “too nice” I would be meaning

a brown noser
passive
martyr
ineffective
doesn’t stand up for their team

I'm nice nearly all the time, so when I'm not people listen and act (got a payrise this way).

There is a chap who always moans and everyone just nods along and ignores him as 'that's just John' so a fine line.