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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DD friend and Sofa surfing….

12 replies

DT77 · 28/04/2025 14:56

I need advice please about what the right thing to do is in my situation…My DS friend (adhd and 21 years old) has been staying with us for the last 3 nights… long story short is he’s been arguing with his mum over a number of years but recently he has had a complete breakdown in his relationship with his mum and her partner (of 6 years) trying to now make him ‘live by a set of rules’ composed by the partner and DS friend feels he can no longer live in that environment.
DS friend also doesn’t want to make contact with his dad as they’ve become very estranged since mum and dad got divorced and feels that he won’t fit in staying with dad despite dad recently texting him but is completely unaware of the current situation. I have spoken to DS friend and he has cried a couple of times saying he has no purpose in life and feels lost with no where or no one to turn to.
I know full well there are 2 sides to every story but what concerns me the most is DS friend is simply going to try to sofa surf until he can figure something out. Initially he asked to stay one night with us which has now turned into 3 nights and he’s sleeping on my DS floor on a mattress - we do not have a spare room. My DS wants his room / space back but I’m battling with my head as to what best to do with his friend. He can’t stay with us forever but I feel bad asking him to try and find alternative accommodation… DS friend has asked me not to make contact his mum as they have not contacted each other in a couple of weeks as ‘she doesn’t care’…. What on earth do I do in this situation?! Any advice please? Thank you.

OP posts:
TheAutumnCrow · 28/04/2025 15:10

I’ve been in this situation a few times with DS’s best friend over the years.

If it’s any comfort, he always ended up back home, until he was working and able to afford to rent his own room in a house share.

And he slept on our sofa, and worked evenings in a supermarket. No bother, really.

What’s the situation with this guy re work? I think it makes a huge difference.

purplecorkheart · 28/04/2025 15:15

Can he present himself to the Council as homeless?

Beamur · 28/04/2025 15:17

Is he working?

DT77 · 28/04/2025 15:19

DS friend is not working - no source of income…

OP posts:
JohnofWessex · 28/04/2025 15:21

DT77 · 28/04/2025 15:19

DS friend is not working - no source of income…

Make a Universal Credit claim then, Citizens Advice can assist him if he cant do it himself

TheAutumnCrow · 28/04/2025 15:21

purplecorkheart · 28/04/2025 15:15

Can he present himself to the Council as homeless?

Yes, he can. He’ll likely be offered a place in a young persons’ hostel, and these are often not places for the faint-hearted. But some decent ones do exist. It’s a bit of a post-code lottery.

Beamur · 28/04/2025 15:23

Getting a job would enable independence? Is he looking for work?
He's currently an adult, jobless and unemployed. Unless there's good reasons, he should be looking for work.
Has he contacted the Council? He can't sofa surf indefinitely. It's nice that you feel able to do this now but surely he must realise he needs to make longer term plans.

Unbeleevable · 28/04/2025 15:29

In this situation, it sounds like this young person needs someone to help, and a whole heap of reassurance to pull together some self esteem and go and hunt for a job.

Id be encouraging your own dc to be patient, give the friend a two week deadline and then both of you help with the job hunt and finding a room to rent somewhere.

I would also be really pushing your guest to contact his mum - why not suggest you set up a call and all three of you talk together?

Very tricky situation I’m sorry for you all

SaladSandwichesForTea · 28/04/2025 15:34

I expect the problems he may have exhibited at home will follow him here. If your son wasn't bothered, I'd suggest waiting a week before saying anything erbally and in the mean time actively making sure it isn't a hotel for him... Family dinners at the table, expectation to pitch in with dishes and other light chores, games etc to make sure he isn't just hiding in sons room. I'd hope that he would decide for himself it would be easier to crash somewhere else.

But as your son isn't happy you will need to he more direct.

DT77 · 28/04/2025 15:34

He wants to work but I don’t think he can get his head around family issues at the moment…

OP posts:
DT77 · 28/04/2025 15:40

I’ve tried to suggest contacting his mum, dad, even his grandma but he just rebuffs every suggestion - DS friend said he’s almost trying to cut himself off from his family to protect its mental health but in turn I’ve said that sofa surfing is not the solution long term… I sent him off for a walk nearly 5 hours ago and he’s not back so Lord only knows where he is!
Thanks for the suggestion of contacting the council; I will suggest that. I’m just trying to do the right thing here.

OP posts:
TheAutumnCrow · 28/04/2025 17:09

My local council also runs a ‘hub’ that will help with benefit claims and longer term housing and plans.

We also have a nearby homeless service run by a charity that has benefit advice sessions and offers some counselling, meals etc.

Have a Google or get him to, and see what’s out there for you. Good luck Flowers

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