Not inviting eldest on family holiday

[parabella]

She has left home, 2 years now. We went on holiday as a family first 2 years and it wasn't great. So this year, I am taking her away for a city break and then a family holiday without her. She's not taken it well. But youngest has refused to go away with us if she comes and at 17, this might be the last time she comes away with us.
AiBU?

Depends what happened really. If she was bullying her sibling, then that's fine. If it was just general family niggles and your youngest is being a drama queen then yes, you're being unreasonable. You're sending the very strong message that you absolutely have a favourite child and it's not her.

Is the youngest justified in not wanting to holiday with the eldest?

Yeah more information needed on this one. Depending on what happened everyone or no one in this scenario might be unreasonable.

It’s fine. She’s left home; family holidays aren’t always going to happen after that point. Some will happily go on holiday with family for years, others will make their own plans.

If your younger teen won’t be around her, it sounds like her behaviour is a problem. If that’s the case, tough luck in your eldest; she’s reaping what she sowed.

She’s probably pissed off that she isn’t getting the free holiday the rest of you are going on. Tough luck, buttercup. Growing up has disadvantages and freebies from your parents ending can be one of them.

Depends on the situation.

If it's older dominates (either by insisting that they do what they want or manipulating - eg emotionally, if they don't get their way), then younger is being reasonable to not want a holiday that revolves round her.
If it's the younger just wants things their way then they're being unreasonable.

Either way I don't think you'll get a family holiday.

But I'd guess you'd anticipated it because you were already going away with her separately.

I wouldn't let the 17yo dictate, but likewise I wouldn't expect an adult who's left home to be automatically included in family holidays. Assuming she's left home properly, isn't just away at uni?

If she left home 2 years ago surely she is old enough to sort her own holiday? If you take her anywhere then that is very kind of you and she should be grateful. However sibling dynamics are tricky if one perceives themselves to not being treated fairly it can cause issues so it does depend what problems she caused.

How old is your older daughter? Has she moved out into her own place, and working, or is she a uni student who comes home for the holidays?

"We went on holiday as a family first 2 years and it wasn't great."
In what way wasn't it great? How did your daughters interact on these holidays? Was your eldest unpleasant to your youngest?

"But youngest has refused to go away with us if she comes and at 17, this might be the last time she comes away with us."
She must have had a horrible time if she's refusing to go away if her big sister comes too. ust how bad were these previous two family holidays?

Yep.

The thing is, if she did something so wrong, then not going on the "family" holiday is the consequence.

However taking her on a city break is mixed messages - it implies that you're compensating for the fact she's not invited and therefore gives credence to her complaint.

From what you've said, it sounds like you would have invited eldest if the youngest hadn't laid out her ultimatum, so you've chosen to holiday with your youngest. In my view, a family holiday means everyone's invited, if the youngest doesn't come, her choice. Otherwise, don't call it a family holiday and then exclude the eldest, as it sounds like she's no longer welcome in the family.