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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH’s plans to career change are not wise

29 replies

NaomiFirstTimeMum · 27/04/2025 17:47

Hi all, DH has sat me down this weekend and told me he is unhappy in his job and is pro-actively seeking to change career once he completes qualifications he is taking alongside his existing job.

His current job offers him:
-a good salary and annual bonus
-hybrid working with a lot of flexibility
-generous sick pay/private health care
-generous holiday and pension contributions
-‘big’/recognised company so decent job security and he would have a good redundancy package if the worst happened.

He has been fed up for a while, he’s unfulfilled and there’s no real progression now (he has been unsuccessful in a few interviews over the past year).

He’s looking at an industry that would have earning potential in a few years which outweighs what he gets now, but he would definitely have to take an initial drop in salary and he’d lose the perks I’ve listed above including hybrid working so would have the cost of travelling each day, possibly out of our area.

I think we’d just about cope financially but we would have to put our plans to move house on hold until he was in a good position with any new job (not guaranteed of course that he will get into that position at all or for a while).

I know he’s fed up and not enjoying work but I just can’t get my head around him giving up everything I’ve listed.

For additional context, he is mid 30’s, we have one DC and I also work.

Any thoughts would be welcome.

OP posts:

Morningup · 27/04/2025 17:48

both work full time?
Is he the primary earner?
is this unhappiness with work seeping in to his general mood being unhappy and down?

Lifeisinteresting · 27/04/2025 17:49

As someone to who stayed in my corporate job too long, support him, he’ll be a lot happier which benefits everyone in the long run.

Morningup · 27/04/2025 17:49

He is studying and pro actively taking steps op

I think you should support him

HuffleMyPuffle · 27/04/2025 17:51

You would rather he be miserable? In a job which would continue to eat away at his mental health until he potentially has a breakdown?

Or support him in this change his being proactive about, which you can survive financially for the couple of years it will take to get him to a much better paid position?

Sounds like he has looked into it pretty carefully and knows what he's doing and you're just pissing on his chips tbh

JustMarriedBecca · 27/04/2025 17:52

My husband had something very similar in his 30s. I think our marriage wouldn't have survived had I not supported him. It was making him miserable and stressed and was impacting everything.
We didn't have DC but even if we had, we're a team and you cover each other.
A miserable and stressed husband is not good for your household and I think would fester resentment.

cryinglaughing · 27/04/2025 17:52

I would support him.
Being unhappy in work can be absolutely soul destroying and impact all areas of your life.

Seems ridiculous to stay somewhere on them off chance he may get made redundant 🤷🏻‍♀️

vincettenoir · 27/04/2025 17:53

My feeling is this isn’t a knee-jerk reaction and he wouldn’t be considering giving up the perks you have mentioned unless he had given it a lot of thought.

2chocolateoranges · 27/04/2025 17:53

Would you want to stay in a job just because your dh thought it was better financially for the family?

I went back to college at 42 after working minimum wage jobs(that I just didn't enjoy) for many years when our children were young. A year of hard work determination and tears at times with us having to be financially careful and I'm now earning nearly double what I was but we had to make sacrifices for that year but dh supported me and it's been so worth it.

I personally wouldn't expect anyone to stay in a job they disliked I'd support them in finding another job even if it was a drop in wages. Life is far too short to be unhappy at work. We work for a very long time .

stichguru · 27/04/2025 17:55

At some point being wise and unhappy equals depression, mental health problems, which potentially follow you to the grave, not being as good a father or husband (because of maybe lack of energy and headspace) as you would otherwise be. I can see why you value all those things you have listed, but at some point you and the kids will be unhappy having a depressed dad and husband even if you have all those things. If those things matter to you more than having a happy husband he should probably re-evaluate his marriage.

TrixieFatell · 27/04/2025 17:55

Both me and my husband have changed career over the years because we were unhappy where we were. It meant at times we were really struggling with money (due to having to go to uni etc) but we are now in a positive where we both have jobs we love and are paid well for. It's meant life is a lot happier.

ACynicalDad · 27/04/2025 17:55

Your gut is so wrong. Support him and never blame him over the next few years, tell him you’re in this together.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 27/04/2025 17:57

Frankly, it’s now or never at mid30s. It’s viewed as perfect time for a career pivot. If you get past 40 with years and years of being passed over it’s looked at as you’ve washed up and aren’t a good employee for any job due to ageism.

I would support him or you if you wanted to do the same. Life is too short to spend 1/2 your waking hours being miserable.

rubyslippers · 27/04/2025 17:57

I think that having a job which eats away at you is less than optimal - he’s thought about it and I think you need to be more supportive
you’re still both pretty young and have time to invest in both your careers

Shinyandnew1 · 27/04/2025 17:58

You want him to stay in his well paid job despite being miserable? How long for?!

Do you both work full time? What do you/he earn?

DannyDyersBalloon · 27/04/2025 18:02

No brainer to me. He is miserable in his current job and has a well thought out plan to change careers. Of course you should support him if you love him and care about his happiness and wellbeing.

Chersfrozenface · 27/04/2025 18:03

One caveat...

Will his no longer having hybrid working arrangements and the need to commute mean he will be away from home longer?

If so, what effect will this have on your childcare arrangements? Will there be a consequent impact on your career? Also, will it affect the proportion of childcare and household tasks you have to shoulder at home? How does he propose to deal with these impacts, if any?

Gundogday · 27/04/2025 18:03

He’s in his 30s, so still young. I think you should support him. He’s actively doing qualifications, and will get good money down the line, so it’s not like he’s changing careers to be a surf instructor, because he loves Bayeatch.

Will his drop in salary be enough to live off in the short term?

MovingBird123 · 27/04/2025 18:12

He's only mid-30s! Support him!!

Evaka · 27/04/2025 18:51

Sounds like he's thought it through. Support your man! One precious life and all that.

blueleavesgreensky · 27/04/2025 18:52

OP how long do you think your DH should do this job he really dislikes abs that makes him unhappy?

Simonjt · 27/04/2025 18:58

As he is mid 30’s yes, if he was late 50’s and close to retirement I would say stick it out, but no one can cope being miserable for 20-25 years.

BangersAndGnash · 27/04/2025 19:46

If it’s an industry that will pay better in the long run the sooner he is up and at it the better!

Mid 30s is a good time to do it.

He has been working to get new qualifications, he has the energy and drive to do it, don’t drag him down.

BCBird · 27/04/2025 19:52

I'd say try and be supportive. How would you expect him.to behave if it was you who.wanted to make the changes ? If he is do unhappy then he must make the changes

Hadalifeonce · 27/04/2025 19:55

A few years ago DH took a 40%drop in salary. He has been so much happier, and more involved in family life. We just made adjustments to our lifestyle and spending.

Pikablue · 27/04/2025 19:59

It'd depend on the career he wanted to change to if it was me being honest, and what was causing him to be miserable- sounds like his lack of success at interviews to progress rather than the career itself?

Of course it's important to be supportive, but when you have a family it's important to consider the implications of changes like this also. By the sound of it he isn't going to need to step out of paid employment to go back to uni for example and presumably wouldn't leave his current job until he'd actually secured a new job? In these circumstances I'd support it.

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