To think I’ll never get along with exH?

[Roxietrees]

I’m curious as to how many people manage to successfully co-parent DC after separating from their other parent and actually manage to get along/even be friendly with their ex? I suspect the number is pretty low…

It’s been 3 years for me. Broke up in difficult circumstances but no cheating/affairs. Our DS was (still is) very young. I naively thought we’d be one of those separated families who went on days out together/had dinner at each other’s houses etc. I tried SO hard, even wanted to get to know his new partner. I just wanted us all to get along for the sake of DC. We do 50/50 care of DS. It was ok at first but he quickly made it impossible. Mainly by making no effort whatsoever (despite constantly saying it’s what he wanted) and he clearly now just wants to play happy families with new partner and pretend I don’t exist. He’s even taking me to court to try and get more time (more that 50/50) with DC, trying to prove I’m an unfit parent due to past MH struggles. I just don’t understand why anyone would deliberately make their own life, and the life of their child such a living hell, knowing it’s going to be a living hell for - bare minimum the next 10 years. I hate that I’m being forced into court and hate the feeling that there’s so much horrible toxic feeling between the person I made a child with. It could have been so much easier…for people who’ve done this for 7+ years, does it ever get easier?

I have a fairly good co-parenting relationship. But as a view from ‘the other side’, I don’t want to be ‘friends’ with my ex even though he tries to push an (over) friendly relationship. I’m pleasant enough but my interactions are based solely on the kids needs, and if a disagreement comes up it makes ‘friendliness’ extremely awkward. It’s important to put boundaries in place for an ongoing coparenting relationship, where the children are the only focus and not interpersonal relationships. Kindly, you have to let go of this idea as it’s not what he wants.

I think this is an admirable thing to want but don’t really know anyone who does it - me included. we are friendly and civil when we see each other but it’s rare that we have more than a quick chat and I still find it all a bit unsettling (and so do the dcs) so wouldn’t want to.

I do have this kind of relationship with the wider family of former in laws though which I love.

Yes I’ve definitely let go of it now that he’s taking me to court! It would have been fine if he was upfront about what he wanted - if he said he didn’t want to be friends or even friendly and just focus on DC but he didn’t - he constantly said how much he wanted us to be friends and have a good relationship for DC but was lying the whole time. I just feel gaslit and like a total mug

I'm lucky in that I get on very well with my ex ( children's father). But it took a couple of years and a lot of mental health problems before we got to the civilised stage. Our sons are now 19 and 17 and they have told us both that they appreciate their dad still being in their lives. @Roxietrees I'm sorry you are going through a rough time, your ex sounds like a complete arse x sending hugs 🫂 💐 🙏 ❤️

I split up with my ex husband 6 years ago, and things were ok on the whole, until he met his partner and decided to move away to live with her (not a million miles but 45 min drive each way) which means he doesn’t make an effort to see the children (once a fortnight). Our arguments stem over the fact he does the absolute bare minimum and my children want to see him more often. I don’t think it’ll ever change and I’ve applied the grey rock method now to protect my own mental health as it was taking its toll.

Sorry you’ve had such a tough time and I’m sorry your kids don’t get to see their dad as much as they want. Can I ask, what is the grey rock method?

@Roxietreesit basically is a method of keeping the conversation to the absolute bare minimum. Don’t get involved in any drama, limit the communication and involve no emotion, even if you want to answer back and have your say and stand up for yourself. If you Google it, you’ll find a decent amount of info on it. My ex loved drama and goes out of his way to create arguments for fun. I ignore it all now and I know he HATES that he doesn’t get a rise out of me anymore!