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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In not being able to cope with my Alcoholic sister any more.

8 replies

Menopausalmum43 · 27/04/2025 14:21

My sister has always"liked a drink" I have always been there for her. She is the kind of maudlin drunk and she will dredge anything up including perceived trauma from childhood NB we had a lovely childhood at home but she was bullied at school so she had it tough at times. She also phones or texts cousins, friends anyone who'll listen at all times of night and day and it's not one text its long winded and sometimes nasty. I have always smoothed everything over for her when people tell.me she's contacted them.
She is thr type of person who'll drop a bomb of information like her partner (now ex) has abused her in some way and when you are all worked up and worried will repeatedly ignore phone calls. She took 15 grand for gastric surgery from my pensioner parents with the proviso she will pay is back but has not given them a penny in five years. She has a nephew who she completely ignores and dotes on her friends kids.
Our dad recently had some bad news and she put on Facebook that she is going to be crying all day and people messaged her and she told them what had happened even before my dad had the chance to decide what he wanted to do with the news.
I got angry and shouted at her and she has now blocked me saying that she doesn't want to speak to me at the moment even though she MUST know she is wrong. He lovely boyfriend did ring me and said she'd gone off her "nut" and he is moving out, she is drinking at 4am and he can't cope.
Miraculously he till wants to be with her but live separately in the hope she'll get help. She tells lie after lie, pretending she has an MA, pretending she isn't drinking etc. My patience is done she talks about people abusing her buy I think she is the abusive, sanctimonious alcoholic. I'm having to come to terms with the fact that she is not what I hoped for in a sister.

OP posts:
Myhusbandwearsmyunderwear · 27/04/2025 14:30

Is she an alcoholic? You can't reason with them, imo. Not many give up despite what they say.

Just leave her to get on with it but be available (or not, your choice) if she needs help at some point.

Menopausalmum43 · 27/04/2025 14:38

She is an alcoholic she hides it feom people she'll drink in the morning before work then catch a bus to her job.IMO she is an alcoholic she goes to AA too but doesn't seem to be very interested in quitting.

OP posts:
Wildywondrous · 27/04/2025 14:42

It's extremely tough but you can't help an alcoholic who doesn't want to be helped, they are incredibly selfish and lie so much that they begin to believe their own lies.

My brother is an alcoholic and fortunately has been sober now for 4 years but he put the whole family through hell for 25 years, in the end I cut contact for the sake of my children but in hindsight I should've done it years earlier.

It's easy to slip into the routine of forgiving them and therefore enabling their behaviour, they're family and we love them but I don't think we help them by not giving them consequences for their actions.

Wildywondrous · 27/04/2025 14:44

I see that your sister goes to AA meetings, my brother did the same and also attended a residential rehab clinic but they seemed to make him worse, all they did was give him a list of excuses and confirmations as to how he couldn't help it and how it wasn't his fault.

333FionaG · 27/04/2025 14:47

Let her go. As a recovering alcoholic myself, she needs to hit her own rock bottom first. It’s not your fault. She can get well if she wants to.

Menopausalmum43 · 28/04/2025 07:15

@333FionaG thank you, I sincerely hope you continue to recover well. My best friend is what she calls a dry alcoholic but hasn't had a drink in 12 years so I am aware that it's possible. Never once did she manipulate or emotioabuse family and friends. It probably shows the type of person my sister is aside from thr alcohol. Sadly the damage feels done, I can't trust her with anything and can't trust her with my feelings so I don't think there is any route to recovery of our relationship. For her I do hope she gets better.

OP posts:
Menopausalmum43 · 28/04/2025 17:42

And as usually happens she blocks me because I call her out then comes running back apologising sending me pictures of her weekend, out pouring of sisterly love. Honestly I've come to the conclusion that all the abuse she alleges that is done to her by others; work, friends partners etc is because actually it's a her problem. There is one common denominator. If this was a romantic partner his would a massive red flag as hey say. I don't think I'll ever actually trust her again although we need to speak about matters concerning our parents. Not quite sure how to deal with her an ongoing basis.

OP posts:
Whatifitallgoesright · 28/04/2025 17:52

I suppose you could treat her like you would an ex partner who you have to have contact with for the kids. So Grey Rock, limit your responses and solution offering. Don't tell her much about your own life. Don't be available. Take back some of the mental energy you have had to invest in her and put it into yourself.

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