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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel used/left out

23 replies

Brodie13 · 27/04/2025 11:45

Bit of background:
We’re originally from the UK but moved to Australia six years ago (me, DH, DD, and DS). We didn’t know anyone when we arrived but have built up a good network of friends over time.
I’m naturally quite a "connector" — I’ve introduced lots of people to each other over the years.
There are three families involved:

  • One family is from the same area as us back in the UK, so we became friends early on.
  • Another family we met through DD’s old school (she's now at a different school, but we’ve kept in touch).
  • The third family we met through our DS’s current school — our sons (both 7) are good friends.
The UK family’s kids still attend DD’s old school, so through me they met the second family — though realistically, they probably would have crossed paths eventually as their kids are in the same year group. The third family (DS’s friend’s family) met everyone at my 40th birthday party about 7 months ago and really hit it off. Now for the AIBU part: While I’m happy they all get on, I’m feeling a bit hurt and left out. They often catch up without including us — I recently saw on social media that they all went camping together this weekend. Also, my DD and one of their DDs play netball together, and I noticed the whole group turned up to watch and support their friend’s child. Of course, they’re allowed to be friends, but I can't help feeling a bit sidelined, and it’s knocking my confidence a bit. Adding to that, the family whose son is close with ours keeps asking for favours — I’ve been asked to look after their DS one afternoon every week after school, and we also looked after their dog for a month while they were overseas. I don’t mind helping out, but it feels very one-sided — like they’re happy to take but not particularly interested in including us socially. AIBU to feel a bit hurt and used?
OP posts:
SummerIce · 27/04/2025 11:50

All 3 families went camping without you?

I think it’s fine for their friendships to develop without you but for all 3 to go without inviting you is harsh.

Brodie13 · 27/04/2025 12:13

Yes they did all go!

OP posts:
Springhassprungxx · 27/04/2025 12:28

Yeah that's brutal - l think l would say something.

Mary46 · 27/04/2025 12:36

Thats quite mean. I would probably not be too flexible helping them going forward.

Goditsmemargaret · 27/04/2025 12:37

Mel Robbins describes an identical situation in her 'Let Them' book. It's well worth a read / listen. The chapter about friendships really hit home with me.

Regarding the camping, I would say something "oh I saw the photos, it looked like so much fun! Can you let us know if you're going again, we would love to join".

Endofyear · 27/04/2025 12:38

It's nice that they've hit it off and just because you introduced them, it doesn't mean that they can never meet up without you. But to leave you out of the camping trip seems mean. Could you mention it to one of the friends? Something along the lines of 'I saw your photos of the camping trip, it looked great! We'd have loved to have come along if we'd known' and see what they say?

The asking favours is a separate issue. If you feel like they're taking you for granted, start saying no! You don't have to accommodate all their requests.

Brodie13 · 27/04/2025 12:46

Yes, I did say that to one of them as they were camping locally and so all came to the girls netball game yesterday so I saw them all. Just said we’d like to come along next time. Will see if we get an invite.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 27/04/2025 12:46

Either ask them why, or move on with your life. No point wrecking your head with it.

converseandjeans · 27/04/2025 12:59

YANBU and I would just scale back the favours.

pimplebum · 27/04/2025 13:06

I’d be really upset if this was me , and I’d need to get to bottom of why I was left out , was it an oversight? Maybe they thought you’d been invited , or something else?? , for me I’d need to know and if I found out I’d make my decision going forward

id ask them all separately face to face if there was a problem had I offended in some way? and I’d be curious who initiated the weekend and who was in charge of inviting

at some point you need to brush it off but I couldn’t do that easily

VickiFromAmsterdam · 27/04/2025 13:58

Rather than say you’d like to go next time, you could’ve asked them outright why you weren’t invited. Hopefully it was a misunderstanding. If not, head held high & walk away. No more favours either!

Jshrbt · 27/04/2025 14:03

I think them being friends is fine although naturally it hurts but I wouldn’t be doing favours for them if they’re not interested in meeting socially

Brodie13 · 27/04/2025 14:16

I committed to the favour last week, before the camping! So now I’m stuck.

OP posts:
Cookiecrumblepie · 27/04/2025 14:22

Brodie13 · 27/04/2025 14:16

I committed to the favour last week, before the camping! So now I’m stuck.

No you’re not! How ridiculous, just say sorry I can’t take this on anymore. They excluded you and are fine with making things weird so why can’t you change your mind? I would grow a pair of I were you

Cookiecrumblepie · 27/04/2025 14:22

And if you are a connector, start connecting with new people

ThinWomansBrain · 27/04/2025 14:28

ask some favours back of the CF 'friend'?

notsureyetcertain · 27/04/2025 16:17

Can you mention to one you are close to that you noticed they have stopped inviting you and have you done anything to offend anyone?

Swiftie1878 · 27/04/2025 16:22

TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS !

workshy46 · 27/04/2025 16:27

What did they say when you said you would have liked to go ? This seems to happen pretty often as there has been a few posts similar recently. The problem is they prefer the group with just the six of them .. they like you but probably few the dynamics change when you guys are there. I think you are into a loser here I’m afraid. I’d scale back the favours and probably start to widen your social circle. It’s unbelievable that they didn’t include you and says a lot. It’s a rotten thing to have happened

dottymac · 27/04/2025 16:27

This kind of thing always happens to me and my kids. It's hurts and I've scaled back massively with helping others out as I've had enough of being mugged off. F*ck em - and hold your head high!

willowthecat · 27/04/2025 16:33

Are there any of the three friends that you feel you could ask how the idea of camping came up ? Have any of them invited you to anything ? How do you normally meet up ? I wouldn't be happy to do favours for someone who didn't really offer much in the way of friendship ever.

Lookingtomakechanges · 27/04/2025 16:49

Personally I would be devastated OP, never mind a bit hurt.
I doubt that they dislike you or have consciously excluded you; more likely that group of children strongly hit if off and have shared interests, and the families have organically got into the habit of doing things together.
As you imply, they have every right to do this - just because you introduced them doesn't mean you own them! I'm not sure if you can do anything about it now except try to stay friends with each of the families individually, and perhaps one day the tide will turn and something will be proposed that includes you.

Mary46 · 27/04/2025 18:07

Ah it does hurt. Really not nice behaviour. Hate these group things theres always someone left out. Hope u ok.

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