I recently contacted the local authority , requesting my social work records from childhood.
Mostly in pure curiosity but, also just to validate and understand my memories of what happened.
I had a fairly crappy time as a kid, though not as awful as what some people have been through. There was definitely social work involved at several points of my life. I was moved school ten times, usually in response to them being contacted and my mother moving us to avoid them. There were multiple court cases between my parents accusing each other of all sorts , all involving social workers to some degree.
There was always alcoholism, neglect, violence and abuse at home. There were known criminals and convicted sex offenders frequenting the house. I know that they knew this, because I remember several occasions where I was questioned and told they wanted to help me, they suspected x, y and z, but they needed me to make direct disclosures about what they knew was going on.
I won’t share piles of things that happened because it’s not the point of the thread. But just for further context, I was also taken into police custody at least twice as a child, when two different partners of my mother, were arrested while they happened to have me under their care (not for a crime against me, but for other crimes while I was present) , so I KNOW there must have been referrals done then, as well as the ones from schools, the ones done during court proceedings and possibly some from when relatives contacted them, though we aren’t sure what action was taken as they were never allowed to access us.
My mother was also hospitalised multiple times and we were just left at home with no idea where she was, when she would be back and sometimes no-one even knowing we were there or coming to check on us.
I remember having social workers. I remember them coming to take us to McDonald’s and the like, never really explaining why they were there and what it all meant. I never knew what would happen if I spoke up, because they never told me. It was only much later, after they’d left me there and not helped me SO many times, that they started telling me as a teenager, that they ‘wanted to help’ and that they had an idea of what was going on but needed me to be the one to disclose it. I remember wondering why they wernt just taking me out of there, if they ‘knew’. I also felt completely let down by every time I had spoken up a bit and been left with the consequences of that at home, where life got much worse and those hurting me grew bolder, given that Social Services had been in, and seemingly deemed it ok to do nothing. It meant I didn’t trust them. It kind of felt like all this energy that had gone in to keeping secrets… was a bit pointless. Because here they were inside that house, with more than enough evidence… and then they’d leave again and nothing would happen. I once called 999 in genuine fear for my life, and police came out, agreed I wasn’t safe, but they had no where to put me so they said they’d have to leave me and come back in the morning to check I’d not been hurt. (They did come back to check, with social workers in tow and I was still alive so I guess that was case closed)
Social workers often interviewed me in the presence of my parent (including on the morning after I’d called 999 on her) , who apparently had a legal right to be there and always insisted upon it. So that was further evidence to me that she held more power over me and my wellbeing than they did.
Anyway, VERY long story short, I am now in my thirties, and everyone who was actively involved in my childhood is either dead, or so riddled with substance misuse that they’d be entirely unreliable for me to ask what the hell happened. I really wanted to see the records so I could piece together what happened to me, how much of it could have been different, and whether I was as badly let down as I suspect by people who should have done more.
I hold a huge burden of self blame about the fact that I didn’t shout louder, or act out more and lived in abject terror of the consequences at home if I dared to let anything slip. I know this is completely irrational and actually none of it was my fault, but there’s still a part of me that just wants to see on paper, that more should have been done to get me out, or help me in some way because there was always more than enough evidence of what was happening, and I just was left there because I wasn’t making enough of a fuss for them to step in.
I’ve been told that because I live in scotland, all social work records are destroyed after five years (it’s different across the rest of the uk). And basically I’ve just been told there’s nothing been kept that I can look at. There’s no record of what happened to me, apparently there WAS, but it’s been noted as having been destroyed.
Is that just ‘it’ then? There’s nothing I can do, and no point in pursuing it any further? If I pushed harder would there be any chance that they haven’t looked hard enough or haven’t checked the right places.
I really do believe that I was badly let down by Social Services, and that there were so many parts of my childhood that didn’t need to be as dark as they were, because someone should have done something , and had enough information there to do so. And I know I can’t really hold anyone accountable for it but I’d just like to see for myself, on paper, that it wasn’t my fault for being too scared to stand up and scream the rooftops off.
Am I being unreasonable and should I just let it go and accept il never know more. Or should I be stamping my feet about it until they find something useful. I appreciate social services have MUCH more pressing work to do and I feel a bit selfish to be moaning about old records when there are children out there who need time and resources.