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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family argument - AIBU

25 replies

PinkGlitterCat · 27/04/2025 08:27

Recently had a falling out with my brother, looking for views on if I have been unreasonable or over reacted:

He caused a really big and unpleasant drama last year, by gossiping and saying unkind and unprovoked things about a few different family members - it all came to light and he ended up looking like a mean and shitty person. He apologised but I feel our relationship has been a little strained since then (previously we were very close - in the same friendship groups etc)

Anyway, around a month ago my DS had a birthday party - it was really expensive and only 10 children could attend. DB has a DS one year younger than my DS, and they are close, so he was obviously invited.

DB has an awful track record for keeping to plans - often bailing on people at the last minute and on a whim. He did similar with DS’s birthday - after speaking to us a few hours before the party, telling us his DS was really looking forward to it.

The thing which I’m really pissed off about is that he didn’t even actually bail properly - he pretended he was on the way, and just stuck in a little traffic outside the venue. But then he simply didn’t turn up for the duration of the 2h party - no apology or direct explanation.

My DS was repeatedly asking when his cousin would arrive during his party and was upset that he didn’t come. I phoned DB after the party and told him his behaviour was totally unacceptable and there’s no possible way that he got stuck in traffic for 90+ minutes when they live a short drive away. I was pretty angry with him, I wasn’t shouting or abusive but told him in no uncertain terms that he had been really inconsiderate (My theory is he just couldn’t be arsed to come, and probably never left home)

It’s been several weeks and I haven’t heard from him - no apology or explanation and no card, present or phone call for DS to say happy birthday. Wider family seem to think I’m causing an unnecessary rift (I’m sure they’ve heard his version of events..) but I’m really feeling like going low contact is the way forward.

Have I been unreasonable or over reacted?

OP posts:
Bonjovispyjamas · 27/04/2025 08:30

I wouldn't be bothering with him going forward.

Bonsaibaby · 27/04/2025 08:32

Have voted nbu but is it just that he’s an arsehole or does he have anxiety or issues like that?

Original poster
PinkGlitterCat · 27/04/2025 08:34

Bonsaibaby · 27/04/2025 08:32

Have voted nbu but is it just that he’s an arsehole or does he have anxiety or issues like that?

He doesn’t have any MH issues - just does what he wants, when he wants without really considering anyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkGlitterCat · 27/04/2025 08:35

Bonjovispyjamas · 27/04/2025 08:30

I wouldn't be bothering with him going forward.

This is what my gut is telling me. It’s just draining dealing with him, just sad that my DS inevitably won’t see as much of his cousin now as we won’t be popping to each others homes etc

OP posts:
travelforthesoul · 27/04/2025 08:36

your brother is a twat, couldnt the cousin have come with the mother or another family member if your brother was flaky? Not that this is your problem to solve.

I would definitely go low contact, and tell your other family members to mind their business, this has caused you and your child upset. Well done on calling out his awful behaviour.

EleanorReally · 27/04/2025 08:38

low contact definitely seems a good idea

Evaka · 27/04/2025 08:38

What a piece of shit. Endlessly disappointing people can get in the bin.

Original poster
PinkGlitterCat · 27/04/2025 08:39

travelforthesoul · 27/04/2025 08:36

your brother is a twat, couldnt the cousin have come with the mother or another family member if your brother was flaky? Not that this is your problem to solve.

I would definitely go low contact, and tell your other family members to mind their business, this has caused you and your child upset. Well done on calling out his awful behaviour.

He could have, I would have offered to take him if I knew DB was going to do this. But DB planned to hang around at the party to celebrate with us.

Yes I think I’m just going to refuse to discuss it with any other family moving forward, that’s a good idea

OP posts:
roseymoira · 27/04/2025 08:46

What version has he told your family for them to be saying you’re overreacting?

DrummingMousWife · 27/04/2025 08:49

He is trouble. End of. Just move away and don’t speak with him anymore, there is nothing good to come from him .

TimeForABreak4 · 27/04/2025 08:55

I'd go low contact with him and just keep him at arms length other than messages to facilitate the children's relationship. I'd ask to take DN out on a day trip or for sleepover every so often so the kids still have a relationship. For parties if you want him there, pick him up and take him with you. Seems ashame for the kids to have their relationship affected or your DN to miss out because your brothers so flaky/inconsiderate.

I stopped speaking to my sister twice for months at a time but continued to see my dns. The kids were thankfully at that time old enough to message to ask them to do stuff and id just go collect them and they'd run out.

Original poster
PinkGlitterCat · 27/04/2025 09:01

roseymoira · 27/04/2025 08:46

What version has he told your family for them to be saying you’re overreacting?

I think he’s massively exaggerated or made up the journey being difficult - but it’s a 10 minute drive from where he lives, and there wasn’t loads of traffic or a crash etc on the route. Everyone else managed to make it to the party fine

OP posts:
BloodyHellBob · 27/04/2025 09:10

I agree that your brother is a twat, I feel really sorry for his child who seems to have missed out because his father couldn’t be arsed. My dc is nearly 10 and he’d be gutted to miss his cousin’s party because I couldn’t be bothered. Yeah, your brother is definitely a twat.

breadpie · 27/04/2025 09:14

Your poor nephew... Imagine having your brother for a dad. He must have been so disappointed about missing the party.. children deserve better.

Yanbu

TheHistorian · 27/04/2025 09:18

Is your brother the golden child? Can do what he likes and get away with it? My brother is like this. Has done loads of callous things and the rest of the family think he's immortal. I don't bother with him anymore. Or his nasty wife who seems to have the same privileges. Life's too short to accommodate twats! He's probably shocked you've pulled him up on his behaviour.

Empress13 · 27/04/2025 09:20

Where was the mother couldn’t she have brought him? I’d have been fuming especially as numbers were limited

Sauvin · 27/04/2025 09:23

I think you’re right but to bother with him anymore and tell other family members you don’t wish to discuss it if they try to intervene.

Feel a bit sorry for your nephew though. Try and keep some direct communication, even if you don’t see him much.

Original poster
PinkGlitterCat · 27/04/2025 09:33

TheHistorian · 27/04/2025 09:18

Is your brother the golden child? Can do what he likes and get away with it? My brother is like this. Has done loads of callous things and the rest of the family think he's immortal. I don't bother with him anymore. Or his nasty wife who seems to have the same privileges. Life's too short to accommodate twats! He's probably shocked you've pulled him up on his behaviour.

Yes absolutely! My mum in particular idolises him and doesn’t believe he can do any wrong. He definitely is shocked I called him out. I can see why you ended up not bothering with them, it’s very draining

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 27/04/2025 09:34

Wider family seem to think I’m causing an unnecessary rift (I’m sure they’ve heard his version of events..)

Don't be accepting any suggestions to sweep it under the bridge, keep the peace type shit. Enablers always do this type of language and it's always in the favour of the toxic side just to "keep the peace". Start preserving your OWN peace! Stuff the brother, the twat

thepariscrimefiles · 27/04/2025 09:38

PinkGlitterCat · 27/04/2025 08:35

This is what my gut is telling me. It’s just draining dealing with him, just sad that my DS inevitably won’t see as much of his cousin now as we won’t be popping to each others homes etc

Show quote history

In the short term, your DS will miss his cousin but longer term you will be protecting him from your DB's shitty behaviour where your DS gets his hopes up that his cousin will be arriving soon, but never does. Lots of children don't have close relationships with their cousins and they are fine.

Bamboozledbylife · 27/04/2025 09:41

Of course you were right to call him out. It's shame the kids loose out, but that behaviour is not acceptable

TheHistorian · 27/04/2025 10:42

PinkGlitterCat · 27/04/2025 09:33

Yes absolutely! My mum in particular idolises him and doesn’t believe he can do any wrong. He definitely is shocked I called him out. I can see why you ended up not bothering with them, it’s very draining

Show quote history

You might want to consider an information shut down with other members of his supporters club.ie your mother. Communication only between relevant parties (you and him)to stop them defending him. Less frustration for you, maximum frustration for them not being able to interfere on his behalf which is reinforcing his behaviour.

I actually feel sorry for my brother in a way. He's never been set boundaries or taught empathy so he blunders through life upsetting people. I think he's genuinely baffled that I don't want to know anymore. He can't hurt me again and life is so much better without his nasty antics.

TheHistorian · 27/04/2025 11:07

Oh and the reason you're doubting yourself, whether you've overreacted is because you've been trained to accept the unacceptable. There's a dissonance between you feeling upset (understandably) when golden child does something upsetting and unreasonable and other family members telling you're wrong for feeling/reacting the way you do. There's a complete lack of empathy in them and a need to keep the status quo ie golden child is the 'good' one.

Something to think about! 😜

Kilroyonly · 27/04/2025 11:26

I have a sibling that is similar; hasn’t got children but makes arrangements to meet up & then cancels last minute (literally as I’m leaving the house) or is running so late that there’s no point meeting & there’s always a ludicrous excuse..just suddenly starting vomiting or seen a car accident & police have asked them to stay as a witness just nonsense. The lack of communication from him is because he feels embarrassed & will have to explain himself & he can’t as there is no excuse good enough so hopes silence will make the problem go away. I just make zero effort now, I don’t invite them anywhere anymore & if they invite me I just say I’m busy & if they want to see me then they can pop over any time..they don’t

Goditsmemargaret · 27/04/2025 11:31

I have a sibling and wider family dynamic exactly like this. I go through periods of low or no contact. It's so awful being made feel you're not justified in being upset; I would never ever pull ANY of the stunts she does. There is never any apology or acknowledgement.

I don't really have a solution just sympathy. I also don't want to separate the cousins.

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